Critique my screenplay try

Panos

Member
Your pages create a lot of interest to the reader. You have great ideas - that was actually known to us, you just didn't want to write them.

My Critique is this:
You are to hurry to tell the story and you skip scenes. It was like a summary at some points. Relax and describe the movie, every scene.

Your format mistakes are countless, as they were mine in my first script :D
Read that book please: Richard Walter - Essentials Of Screenwriting. There are all the format mistakes gathered and more.

I think your way of writing have Hollywood vibe. I imagine Jemma's boss (which by the way I don't know why you call her director) transforming to a devil and instead of eating or killing Jemma saying to her "you are fired" :cool: That "You're fired" at the end is very Hollywood! That's great!
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
I am merely stating facts.
So you are saying it is a fact that she never posted the pages.
Of course, you can't read it guys, because it was never there, to begin with!
Then are you saying that pedramyz is lying when he says he
read the pages?

You are calling one of them a liar.

I think that's rude and disrespectful. And I think there is no
need to treat people asking for a critique that way. Or people
who read and offer a critique.
 
I think that's rude and disrespectful. And I think there is no
need to treat people asking for a critique that way. Or people
who read and offer a critique.
Yes... It's rude... It's also rude to ask a multitude times for criticism and when we give it she doesn't do anything with it. I know she cant help it... I have a few friends in the Breakcore scene with the same condition. Breakforce one and Low entropy. It's like talking to a concrete wall.... I like how different she is. I enjoy her post and feel how she tries to connect to people. And now for the first time, she has written 3 pages.
 
So why has not she responded?
Perhaps it’s because there are people who have other things going on and don’t stay glued to an Internet forum 24/7.

Or it’s because some jackass is accusing her of lying just because he wasn’t able to download the file she posted.
 

Panos

Member
Quality's comment was too much: "I can't even download it. I don't believe he wrote anything."
and "Of course, you can't read it guys, because it was never there, to begin with!". Even if pedramyz hadn't already downloaded her script, one should check first, before being rude, even to Future_Screen.
 

pedramyz

Member
Maybe I'm partly to blame. I didn't know she was struggling to write. Had I known she's been struggling for a long time, I would've written the vet in a more encouraging way. I think my original critique came out a bit harsh.
 
Maybe I'm partly to blame. I didn't know she was struggling to write. Had I known she's been struggling for a long time, I would've written the vet in a more encouraging way. I think my original critique came out a bit harsh.
Whe are not considering the possibility that she is busy with something else..... school perhaps.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
Maybe I'm partly to blame. I didn't know she was struggling to write. Had I known she's been struggling for a long time, I would've written the vet in a more encouraging way. I think my original critique came out a bit harsh.
Not at all. Harsh criticism is important to a writer. Everything
you wrote is helpful to a writer who wants to get better.

And I don't think it's rude to ask a lot of questions on a platform
designed to ask questions. It's not even rude to not do anything
with the answers. It gets frustrating for us regulars but it's not
rude. If you don't want to reply or help you don't have to.

It's rude to call someone a liar.
 

Quality

Member
We all know Future Screen's track record. I'm happy that she has posted something, finally! But I was reiterating her past which we all are not forgetful of. I didn't mean to be rude but more humorous.
 
But I was reiterating her past which we all are not forgetful of.
Weird. I could have sworn you meant to say, “I was out of line and I apologize.” But it sounded a lot more like, “I’m digging my heels in here and still feel the need to be rude.” Hooray for the Internet.

Future_Screen, congratulations on getting something on paper. That’s a huge first step. I do hope, Quality aside, that you’ll come back to this thread, post a PDF that is more accessible to those of us who don’t use CeltX, and consider the advice from the ones willing to read it (and those who already have read it) and offer constructive guidance.
 

Quality

Member
It's fine; she does this all the time. I want to help her. I even used to private message her when she used to ask for assistance, but *sigh* I give up.
 

Top