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Writing a coherent story

A

amld

Dear god I want to f**king kill myself already.
I am on my final year of film school, Trying to create my masterpiece but I keep being told "your images are strong, but you need to write a coherent story". I don't give up. I wrote story after story after story. They all involved a guy that sees a warped version of reality, they all had 3 story arcs, Things make perfect sense in my mind but when I see it to my teachers they are scratching their heads.

I've been told today that maybe I should choose some tale, joke or song that I like and give it my own spin. I might do that but I can't shake this feeling of wanting to tell my own story. For the last month and a half I've been writing and drawing storyboard everyday, all day long. Something should have paid off didn't it?

And whats making me the most crazy is that they expected me to succeed, they believed in me and I feel like i've failed them and myself, while doing my very best.

Can anyone help me make a coherent story in this last attempt before I'll be made to make something that I didn't come up with?

Thank you.
 
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Huh?

Again you're writing concepts and not stories.

There is a VERY good reason for having dialogue, the story...

Maybe check out other shorts in the medium, like the Pixar shorts?

The loop thing could work, but I think you need to establish that he's in the loop ASAP. Bill is in the elevator watching Floor numbers go by. The woman gets on with him on floor 3. She gets off on 5, he gets off on six but when he gets out its the lobby again, he goes back in, woman gets on at 3... Ok, bill is in a very understandable problem in the first minute. Minutes 2-4 he tries many different ways to break the loop like getting off at different floors, not letting the woman in, not letting her off at 5. Minute 4:00 he's completely given up, low point before climax. Then 4:30 he figures something out and climax, he uses the stairs or leaves the building or accepts that he'll never leave or something and you're done.

In your breakdown I get the imagery that early floors are childhood and then he meets a woman, but I still don't see the arc. Start off low, work high to a climax theme settle down in conclusion.
 
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PaulGriffith said:
The loop thing could work, but I think you need to establish that he's in the loop ASAP. Bill is in the elevator watching Floor numbers go by. The woman gets on with him on floor 3. She gets off on 5, he gets off on six but when he gets out its the lobby again, he goes back in, woman gets on at 3... Ok, bill is in a very understandable problem in the first minute. Minutes 2-4 he tries many different ways to break the loop like getting off at different floors, not letting the woman in, not letting her off at 5. Minute 4:00 he's completely given up, low point before climax. Then 4:30 he figures something out and climax, he uses the stairs or leaves the building or accepts that he'll never leave or something and you're done.
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LOL!
I like it.
It's like GROUNDHOG DAY on an elevator.

Maybe he's stuck on there until he can learn to be polite and thoughtful to her instead of looking at her like vagina-support-equipment? :yes:


Amld -
What are the last three or four movies you watched?
 
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rayw said:
LOL!
I like it.
It's like GROUNDHOG DAY on an elevator.

Maybe he's stuck on there until he can learn to be polite and thoughtful to her instead of looking at her like vagina-support-equipment? :yes:


Amld -
What are the last three or four movies you watched?
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Ok now we're getting somewhere! :)
last 3 movies:
pi bye darren aronovsky - recommanded by my teacher as he said it has alot to do with my movie
just now i watched the short film incubus by Guido Manuli, which gave me the elevator idea.
and 2 days ago i saw "the sitter" at the cinemas haha.
 
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How this for structure, feel free to change anything or comment on whats missing/confusing:
Janitor walks into a building. He has a work sheet on the wall near the elevator at it says "cleans floors 1-10".
he goes in and presses 1.
floor 1 - children are playing, it's a happy floor. he takes trash and puts it in his garbage can.
floor 2 - the elevator door gets stuck for a sec and then opens. he does his thing and keeps going.
floor 3 - messier floor, puts track in his can. a woman comes into the elevator with him.
floor 4 - she wants to get off the elevator but he gives her a flower. she stays.
floor 5 - woman gets off the elevator and he is saddenned, he just presses 6 without cleaning 5. the elevator doesn't respond. he presses a few times then it plummets into basement 2. all buttons are not working except basement3. its a horrible scary floor and the elevator has shut down. he takes the stairs.
floor 6 - he cleans up and the elevator shows up. he takes his bucket and gets in.
floor 7 - cleans it.
floor 8 - he is anticipating floor 10 already. he cleans it quickly and more junk piles in this trash. a woman walks in she presses 5. he's aggrivated he had been taken back he presses 9. and gets to 3, a guy in a suit walks in.
floor 9 - the guy in the suit leaves and the elevator just races up to 10 without him getting the chance to clean it.
floor 10 - He stand in that floor, he presses 9 but nothing happens. he walks out of the elevator and the floor is clean already. he goes back down and exits the building to go into the next one.
 
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How is that NOT a bunch of random crazy events?

PI is whack and I can see why the instructor suggested it.
A short isn't a film.
What happened in THE SITTER? Who was the protag? What was his obstacle? He didn't overcome the obstacle until WHAT event happened?

Name a second and third non-freaky mainstream feature length film you've recently seen.

BTW, when's the deadline on this animated short?
 
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the movie itself should be ready by july. time is getting short as 3d animation and everything around it takes ALOT of time. but the story needs to be solved, 2 DAYS AGO WAS THE DEADLINE!
I thought this was a pretty simple understandable metaphor about life
 
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Protagonist + Obstacle = story
Protagonist + Abstract Concept = experimental film

Find the obstacle, write the struggle.

OR

What's at stake, why should I as an audience member care or keep watching?
 
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amld said:
How this for structure, feel free to change anything or comment on whats missing/confusing:
Janitor walks into a building. He has a work sheet on the wall near the elevator at it says "cleans floors 1-10".
he goes in and presses 1.
floor 1 - children are playing, it's a happy floor. he takes trash and puts it in his garbage can.
floor 2 - the elevator door gets stuck for a sec and then opens. he does his thing and keeps going.
floor 3 - messier floor, puts track in his can. a woman comes into the elevator with him.
floor 4 - she wants to get off the elevator but he gives her a flower. she stays.
floor 5 - woman gets off the elevator and he is saddenned, he just presses 6 without cleaning 5. the elevator doesn't respond. he presses a few times then it plummets into basement 2. all buttons are not working except basement3. its a horrible scary floor and the elevator has shut down. he takes the stairs.
floor 6 - he cleans up and the elevator shows up. he takes his bucket and gets in.
floor 7 - cleans it.
floor 8 - he is anticipating floor 10 already. he cleans it quickly and more junk piles in this trash. a woman walks in she presses 5. he's aggrivated he had been taken back he presses 9. and gets to 3, a guy in a suit walks in.
floor 9 - the guy in the suit leaves and the elevator just races up to 10 without him getting the chance to clean it.
floor 10 - He stand in that floor, he presses 9 but nothing happens. he walks out of the elevator and the floor is clean already. he goes back down and exits the building to go into the next one.
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Like the other's said, no struggle or problem to overcome.

Even if it was the best story in the world, how could you possibly fit that into 5 minutes?

Like Knightly said, find the obstacle, write the struggle. If you want weird abstract images, then maybe start with the most simple story; note "story", that you can write where Character A wants to do X but is presented with obstacle Z that is challenge that he/she must overcome to accomplish X. Then go through and weird it up from there.
 
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amld said:
janitor just wants to go home. needs to clean 10 floors apartment building, elevator goes nuts.
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I have read every story you posted here and this is the only
one I see as a short. Even your other versions (post #39
and #44) did nothing for me. Those posts do not tell me what
this post does.

Okay, you say you want to "include all the crazy shit" and I
get that - you're a visual artist more than a story teller. But
that's what your teacher is already telling you. So now you
have a story - this guy just wants to get home. As knightly
just said, you didn't mention this at all until now - but you
knew this part deep down. My suggestion is to emphasize this
so we have something to relate to and then include all the
crazy shit you want to keep him from his goal.
 
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amld said:
janitor just wants to go home. needs to clean 10 floors apartment building, elevator goes nuts.
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New rule for you: You are forbidden to use the concept of "want" in filmmaking.
I can't "see" "want" on screen.
So you can't use it in your story.

WHY does he WANT to go home?
WHO is making him clean the building?
WHAT happens if he doesn't? <--- The stakes.
WHAT are the impediments in his way? <--- The obstacles.
HOW is he at first overcome? <--- First conflict
How does he eventually overcome the obstacles? <--- The resolution.

Man walks up the steps to the front door of a house.
Opens the door.
Sees freaky stuff.
A potato falls out of the sky.
A ghost farts nearby.
The man wants to know how the ghost and potato are related.
The door closes then re-opens.
A garden knome steps out, hands him a bagel, then kicks him in the shin.
The man gets in his car and drives home.

Uh... WTH was that?

Just a series of random crazy sh!t.


Man walks up the steps to the front door of a house.
As he opens the door a garden gnome steps out eating a bagel.
Man says "Uh, hi. What are you doing in my house?"
Gnome - Your house?! My house.
Man - You don't mind the ghost?
Gnome - Not as long as I feed it potatos.
Man - Those give him gas. Don't do that.
Gnome - You're pretty smart for a human.
Man - You have another bagel?
Gnome - Sure, just cooked a fresh batch. Come in.
Man - Thanks.
They go in.


Same crazy elements, it just makes some weird sorta sense.
 
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I would argue that a bit ray. If the visuals are the right ones, they can tell the story without dialog at all. (history shows movies don't need dialog to survive and tell compelling stories). I'ver read FAR TOO MANY dialog dependent indie scripts. Dialog is for radio! Show me pictures, but use dialog the way you use objects/colors/camera angles in the frame -- to illustrate a point or conceal a point of the story.

I won't turn a script I'm reading to page 2 if there is more than 50% dialog on the page. It gets a note on the cover that says "TMD" (Too Much Dialog) and I move onto the next script. I put out a request for scripts a while back and ended up with 200-300 of them to read through. I quickly learned that if it's all dialog, the script takes forever to work through and most of the dialog is pointless anyway (damn you KS & QT for inspiring so many folks to want to be filmmakers).

Show me the story, the dialog that appears, like everything else on screen, should HAVE TO be there. And as amld is obviously a visual person, I think getting visuals to tell the story will be an easier transition for them.

Kuleshov will give us want...

Shot of Janitor, who pauses and looks up
Shot of a clock, it's nearing 8pm
Shot of TV Guide on cart with 8:30pm show circled

The kuleshov effect says that we build a relationship between unrelated clips to make a complete story... the audience wants to do this for you. These 3 shots tie together to tell a story, they imply a desire.
 
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ok how this:

Nathan needs to pay the bank 2000 dollars, he only has 1400 dollars. nathan is a janitor in a stock market building, he goes to work and sees a homeless ex-broker by the door. He enters and the building manager yells at him to get his ass to floor 8 and start cleaning. he takes his bucket and mop and goes in the elevator, a broker comes in after him. they ride the elevator but the broker doesn't meet his gaze. The broker keeps getting texts and writes down notes, gets another text and throws the older note in nathan's bucket. they exit the elevator and nathan starts taking the pieces of paper from his bucket and sees a company name on the stockmarket board matching one of his notes. he takes a leap of faith and places his 1000 dollars on the company. it rises and his money is tripled. he doesn't pull the cash out, it falls to -1500 dollars what he put in. the broker is excited however as he won betting on another company. The stocks change again, the broker starts losing money and nathan's share goes up 4000%. he is excited and collects his 40000 dollars. the broker rampages. Nathan goes down in the elevator and the manager yells at him to get back to work. nathan looks at the money and approaches him to give him a piece of his mind, he sees many bills on the manager's desk. suddenly CRASH. they both go outside to see the broker has killed himself, landing right near the homeless broker who looks in horror as do nathan and the manager. nathan takes out half of his cash and gives it to the homeless ex-broker.
 
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Instead of speculating,someone here should view the poster's work.

Remember, the poster is doing this for a school project. If the instructors believe the work is incoherant, it may very well be. If the poster wants to pass the class, the poster has to take the advice of their instructor on what needs to be done for a passing grade.
 
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amld said:
ok how this:

Nathan needs to pay the bank 2000 dollars, he only has 1400 dollars. nathan is a janitor in a stock market building, he goes to work and sees a homeless ex-broker by the door. He enters and the building manager yells at him to get his ass to floor 8 and start cleaning. he takes his bucket and mop and goes in the elevator, a broker comes in after him. they ride the elevator but the broker doesn't meet his gaze. The broker keeps getting texts and writes down notes, gets another text and throws the older note in nathan's bucket. they exit the elevator and nathan starts taking the pieces of paper from his bucket and sees a company name on the stockmarket board matching one of his notes. he takes a leap of faith and places his 1000 dollars on the company. it rises and his money is tripled. he doesn't pull the cash out, it falls to -1500 dollars what he put in. the broker is excited however as he won betting on another company. The stocks change again, the broker starts losing money and nathan's share goes up 4000%. he is excited and collects his 40000 dollars. the broker rampages. Nathan goes down in the elevator and the manager yells at him to get back to work. nathan looks at the money and approaches him to give him a piece of his mind, he sees many bills on the manager's desk. suddenly CRASH. they both go outside to see the broker has killed himself, landing right near the homeless broker who looks in horror as do nathan and the manager. nathan takes out half of his cash and gives it to the homeless ex-broker.
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Okay!

Here is an excercise.

Can yiu summarize your whole story in one sentence?

I see what your main character wants. There are obsticles.

How do these events change your character in their journey?

Do you have a focus about your villain and how they will stop your hero from reaching their goal?
 
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Thank you. I welcome any constructive critisism but comparing my incoherent stories to utter jibberish doesn't help me. I want to understand and learn from you guys AND my teachers. I've learned that nothing is more important than learning haha ;)

Story in one line :
nathan is broke and in debt while everyone around him are succesful. after a lucky break he notices that the people around him don't have the glamorous life he thought they had.

He wants to pay his debt. he doesn't have the money for it. the events show him that when he stops feeling sorry for himself, he can see that others may need compassion too.
 
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amld said:
Story in one line :
nathan is broke and in debt while everyone around him are succesful. after a lucky break he notices that the people around him don't have the glamorous life he thought they had.

He wants to pay his debt. he doesn't have the money for it. the events show him that when he stops feeling sorry for himself, he can see that others may need compassion too.
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These are both great Person + Obstacle paragraphs.

In a short form piece, you'll be able to successfully pull of 1 on these pretty well (you choose which), but not both, there really isn't time to develop both ideas in 5-ish minutes.

I personally think the second is best.
 
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