Idea for Drama/Thriller screenplay

[DRthunderMD]

I am in the beginning phase of my second project. I am working on the plot for my next film and am trying to find something that will be able to hold together well. Here is what I have so far, please, any ideas or criticism would be very helpful.
The film would begin with a cu on a piece of paper being written on, with a voice over of what is being written. It details the experience a man just went through. He and two others had planned a robbery on a home. The writes about how he had planned it all out. Nobody was supposed to be home, but a family was. The other two men with him killed the family, and before he could stop them, they fled the scene. The police showed up and arrested him for the murders he did not commit. After that the man was no longer the same. He blamed himself for the murder. (During the film, the man and his writing is in present tense, with a few flashbacks to show what he is writing, after all, films are visual.) The man goes to jail for a year while awaiting his court date. At his court date he is found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. During transfer to a different prison, he manages to escape. He makes it his goal to find the two men that set him up and to make them pay for what they had done. He continues writing of what he planned to do, with a flashback for both men that he ends up killing. After the flashback of him killing the second man, we come back to present tense of him finishing his note. The last line of the note reads "My actions will not bring that family back, but they will help me forgive myself for what I had done to them. There is only one last piece to the puzzle, and whoever is reading this, you are looking at it." He takes the note of all he had just written and places it on the fridge next to him. Then he takes the gun to himself, the screen would go black, then a gunshot is heard. End Credits.
Any other suggestions, perhaps an alternate last line to the note? Any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read and answer this.

 

[MacV]

Eh, I really dislike flashbacks and narration. You are right: cinema is visual. So why not ditch the non-visual parts. Trust me, it's not going to help you movie, especially if you have an amateur actor narrating. Morgan Freeman is one thing, he could narrate a story about paint drying, but do yourself a favor and jump immediately into the action. Start out with that robbery. Once the shit goes down, he has that goal: kill his two partners in crime before killing himself. Narration is needless in this situation. You'd end up explaining your story instead of making it interesting. Make the audience work for the information, giving clues, creating curiosity.

 

[Zensteve]

Meh, flashbacks et al can work out okay, but it's this bit that really gets me.

the screen would go black, then a gunshot is heard. End Credits.

It's such a cop-out of an ending.

The only flick I can think of which pulled it off, to my satisfaction at least, is "The Hours".

Seriously, what's the point in an audience getting involved in the trials & struggles of a character, if it's all wrapped up in a big "Whatever, dude..." at the end?

It's definitely possible to have protaganists bite the bullet at the end, and still have it be meaningful in some way. The old "oh well, shoot myself with offscreen gunshot" is just tired & cliché; also unimaginitave writing.

Maybe it's just me.

 

[DRthunderMD]

To me it is pretty sad that this is the best I could come up with. I am so limited in what I can do, it is so hard for me to write a meaningful screenplay with no budget and very few actors. I want so bad to be able to just let loose and write the best things imaginable, but instead I have to write to what I have to work with. I understand that most of indie filmmakers face this problem too. I see it as a challenge. I welcome it, but I am also completely bewildered here. I guess this raises a second question. Is there anything wrong with no budget indie films consisting of little story but good filming. I understand that story is king, but it is very difficult to write with the limitations so many indie filmmakers face. Would filming a few projects, only consisting of action sequences be a complete waist of time, or something that could help me gain more experience with action sequences and become familiar with them. I would also imagine this would be a great opportunity to gain experience in storyboarding and plan sequencing. From an experiences persons point of view, would filming one or two short action scene films be a waist of my time, or something I can use to help further myself as a filmmaker.

 

[directorik]

The problem with your story is there is no story. It's a series of
cliché events. A guy gets arrested for murders he didn’t commit
and he’s no longer the same. (ya think?) So he escapes and kills
the real murders and then kills himself in grief.

I see this ending over and over in student films. Hell, I did that
ending in two different films. Most of us try it at least once.
It seems so poignant - but you know it’s just a cliché.

To me it is pretty sad that this is the best I could come up with. I am so limited in what I can do, it is so hard for me to write a meaningful screenplay with no budget and very few actors. I want so bad to be able to just let loose and write the best things imaginable, but instead I have to write to what I have to work with. I understand that most of indie filmmakers face this problem too. I see it as a challenge. I welcome it, but I am also completely bewildered here.

Yep. Welcome to the real world of making movies.

What I don't understand is why you feel you can't write a
meaningful screenplay with no budget and very few actors. That's
how John Cassavetes essential started the independent scene in
the 1960's - small, meaningful films with no budget and very few
actors. John Sayles did it 29 years ago with "Return of the
Secaucus Seven" and continued making meaningful no budget films
for decades.

You've seen "The Breakfast Club". Something like that could be
done today with no budget and few actors and be very meaningful.

Would filming a few projects, only consisting of action sequences be a complete waist of time, or something that could help me gain more experience with action sequences and become familiar with them.

Funny you should mention this. From the first time I picked up a
super8 camera when I was 14 that's all I did. Action sequences.
The plot of my film: someone steals something or beats someone up
and the two "cops" (me and my best friend) would chase them and
beat them up. I made that film over and over, getting more
elaborate each time, until I was in my early 20's. I learned
about audio, lighting, camera placement, working with actors and
crew, scheduling, getting locations and even storytelling and
writing as the stories got more interesting.

I wouldn't show anyone those films today, but I used to entertain
my friends and in high school I would show them at school during
lunch and charge 25 cents.

But I digress...

I guess this raises a second question. Is there anything wrong with no budget indie films consisting of little story but good filming.

An audience wants to see a story. I never leave a screening
saying, "Wow the filming was great!" Or if I do, it's not a
compliment. I watch movies for the story - not the filming
skills.

But if you're doing it only for the experience, then DO IT! Shoot
the story you posted here regardless of what people say. You’ll learn a lot.

Then immediately make your next one.

 

[cibao]

Two issues that I have are:

1. If you commit a crime as part of a conspiracy, and members of that conspiracy commit a murder, you are responsible as if you pulled the trigger. So it's not like the guy wouldn't get charged with murder for that crime. So feigning innocence of the guy, sort of takes away from the film. Maybe show his regret or anger at the other guys for losing their cool, but I think the innocent part is sort of silly.

2. As Zen and Rik said, I'm not sure the suicide is good for the story. How do you go from anger at the two for getting him into it, and then the depression and suicide? It doesn't feel right to me. I'd try the final scene him on the table getting executed for all of the murders (family, and the two guys), and him telling his story to a reporter, author or priest, who's writing it down. Or just him sitting at a desk in a jail after he's been caught again, with the camera pulling out and fading out.

And lastly, as Rik said, shoot the film. The worst that you'll have is a crappy indie film. Ain't no law against that!

Chris

 

[DRthunderMD]

I really can't thank you guys enough for the advice. I am going to stick with the general idea I have, but change a few things. Take away the suicide at the end. But also add in a bit of a twist. Instead of just regular people robbing a home, what if they were superheros, (or at least had special powers, the whole hero part doesn't really apply to folks who go around stealing from people.) Also, perhaps take the note aspect away and replace it possibly with classic storytelling. Beginning to end, with no flashbacks. I am getting effects lab and this would be a great way to get some experience in professional software editing and use effects lab to its full potential.

 

[Zensteve]

I am so limited in what I can do, it is so hard for me to write a meaningful screenplay with no budget and very few actors. I want so bad to be able to just let loose and write the best things imaginable, but instead I have to write to what I have to work with.

The actual writing is where you can put in whatever you want!

It costs you absolutely nothing to write that the Crime Lord shows up to meetings in a Lamborghini fueled by liquid cocaine.

Obviously, it's a bit different when it's time to plan the actual shoot - odds are pretty good you don't have a Lamby. That's when you gotta start rattlin' some cages.

1) Maybe a buddy's father owns one. He won't let you drive it, but he'll let you have an actor sit in it, maybe, to get in & get out. If you have a shot of the car in motion, have the owner drive it - and use long shots, to hide the fact that it ain't your actor. Mix & match the close-ups with the long shots, and you got a kick-ass car in your film.

2) Okay, so maybe noone owns a Lamborghini within 200 miles of you. There'll be someone who owns a poor-man's sports car, like a Miata, or something. Same things as above - except the odds of being able to actually drive it are much better.

3) Okay, so the best you can rustle up is a 1973 VW Beetle. Obviously that's faaaaar from what the Crime Lord prefers driving, but yah know... his Lamby got stolen the night before, and in order to make it to the important meeting he had to take the only vehicle his poorly-paid goon/henchman owned.

Great way to give your actor something to work with, too. He's showing up at the drug-cartel's annual "business is good!" meeting in a piece of junk... and everyone will see him, as he steps out of a rusty beat-up vehicle that sounds like a lawnmower - in his $3000 Italian-made suit.

Hell yeah! That'll give your actor a lot to think about, thirty seconds before camera rolls.

K, I'm startin' to ramble here - the point being, write what seems right. No matter what your budget is, you'll always be having to adjust in some ways when it's time to shoot, so you may as well aim high for starters... and take it from there.

Is there anything wrong with no budget indie films consisting of little story but good filming.

Yes. For the exact same reason why it's wrong to spend lavish amounts of money on a film with little story, but good filming.

Would filming a few projects, only consisting of action sequences be a complete waist of time, or something that could help me gain more experience with action sequences and become familiar with them.

Well, you'll probably get something out it - editing practice, planning, scheduling, and some of the other things you mentioned. Sure.

Just remember, it ain't all about you. If you're quite happy wasting your own time, ask yourself (honestly) if everyone else involved in your production would feel just the same about it?

If you miraculously got your hands on a $250,000 sports car (#1, above)... do you think the owner of that vehicle would ever cooperate again, knowing (or even worse, discovering after the fact) that the time, trust & effort taken to get you what you wanted was nothing more than pointless?

Even before taking the audience into consideration, you owe it to every single person involved in the production to make it the best film that you possibly can. I'm not sayin' that your film better give Citizen Kane a run for it's money - it sure as heck won't - but you gotta be able to deliver something that will make your people satisfied with all that volunteer-time they've given you. Even if those people are Mom (for the snacks, refreshments & costume-sewing) and Dad (for firing up the BBQ at lunch/dinner for everyone)

Holy Christ-on-a-stick, I'm truly rambling now.

I've made my fair share of crappy films (well... I still do, I guess), but they've all had a complete story to tell.

The only time I've done "action scenes without a story" were for actors wanting something specific for their demo-reels. No satisfaction from that, at all. (Maybe 'cos it ain't my demo-reel)



Let's take a few examples from the IndieTalk Screening Room:

_______

A "profound" short film

What is this? It is a mystery. No story. No... well... no nuthin'.

Prime example of total waste of time. Especially for the audience (though I suspect it means something to the maker). If I'd worked on this project, I'd be an unhappy camper.

_______

Eh... next example doesn't seem to be on the forums anymore. Weird. Anyways, it was just action. No story at all. "Exploitation of someone-O'Connor", or something.

Looks like they had a good time doing it, but unless they were looking for advice on how to put together a certain sequence... no meaning at all for an audience.

______

Party In Cuckooland

Now we're getting somewhere. Could have made this on a $10 budget (including the tasty-looking breakfast) Great little flick (with a few pacing issues at the end). We're not looking at amazing actors, cameras, effects, lighting, or anything else. It succeeds on its own story-telling merits.

_______

British Kung Fu Short and Subject 815

Both blow in the story-department, but are good examples of action-for-the-sake-of action.

Ultimately, though... what's the point? Great to add to a demo-reel, no doubt. Great exercises in editing and choreography. That's about it, though.

Actually, they could make a few bob by selling licenses for it to be used on background TV's on other productions, I 'spose. Not a bad idea. Need some Jacki-Chan stuff playing on the TV? Can't afford Jackie, but this would make good filler. Stock footage, kinda.

_______

Nightshift - very low budget, very entertaining, complete story arc... good stuff. Complete with explosions (free, courtesy of Detonation Films.. love those guys). Sure, it's got its faults... but which film doesn't?

_______

Oh yah... any comments on those flicks probably ought to go in their respective threads, to not clutter this one up.

...not like I haven't already rambled it to pieces already, anyway.

At any rate... the point is: Aim high in your writing. You can always juggle the details later, when it's pre-production time. No matter what your budget is (even in the millions), it's something that you'll have to do anyway.

 

[indietalk]

Is there anything wrong with no budget indie films consisting of little story but good filming.

What? Story, man , story. Filmmakers are storytellers. Are you making a cinematographer's reel or a film? Think about that

 

[DRthunderMD]

I always knew that story was important but you guys have really made it clear to me just how important it really is. Now I realize why most of Michael Bay's movies sucked. I think I will go with my original idea, but take away a few cliches and add some originality by making the bad guys superheros. I recently finished a few books on screenwriting, so this will be the perfect opportunity to try out my new found knowledge. I really appreciate all the help you guys have given me.

Eh... next example doesn't seem to be on the forums anymore. Weird. Anyways, it was just action. No story at all. "Exploitation of someone-O'Connor", or something.

Looks like they had a good time doing it, but unless they were looking for advice on how to put together a certain sequence... no meaning at all for an audience.

That one was mine. We did have a great time doing it. My first project, just a little something for my film class.

 

[indietalk]

Well no one can force you to have a passion, most filmmakers have a passion to tell stories, that's why most indie film directors also write the screenplay. If your passion is not storytelling, that's okay too, maybe you're a cinematographer or visual effects dude. What is your passion?

 

[DRthunderMD]

My passion is absolutely telling stories. I have thought for a long time now, until I read a few posts on this thread, that I should write to what I have to work with. I have recently gotten very interested in actual camera work and directing. It is so hard to pick from want I love doing. That's the thing with indie filmmaking, I get the privilege to work in all areas of my film. This will only be my second project now, but I hope to further myself even more going from my first to my second film.

 

[indietalk]

Well yes you do have to write within your means if you're producing it, but the story will remain the same. In other words, the story that's in your head, if you think about it, you could set it as a western flick, or taking place in 2026 right?

 

[DRthunderMD]

Oh, it makes my mouth water just thinking about it. A western based in the early 1900's with superheros. If only I had the ability to get my hands on that type of set. I live in Massachusetts, and well, this isn't exactly the type of place I can find a town like the old west, and I dont have the money to create a set for it. But I will put everything I have got in me into this project.

 

[indietalk]

Haha. Well the point is, if you wrote it as a western and couldn't raise enough to shoot it as a western, you could keep the same exact story (pretty much) and rewrite it a modern day Boston suburb flick. Ya know?

 

[DRthunderMD]

Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I still have another two months before I have enough money to buy a professional camcorder, so that gives me plenty of time to come up with a good screenplay. I can't wait to show you guys my finished project. I really can't thank you guys enough for all of your help.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Damn... This thread really made me feel good... STORY.

To be honest, I couldn't even bring myself to become part of the thread after reading the beginning of it a few days ago.

Why?

Because so often, I think WE -- that's the collective WE -- here on IndieTalk push STORY and so often, somebody just getting started wants to shoot something...

ANYTHING. Just to get their feet wet.

And so they write CLICHE. Which is fine because many of us tend to think in cliches... So it's natural to THINK this way and even WRITE this way.

For your first draft.

It's also just as important to be able to identify those cliches and to change them around as DRthunderMD seems to already be thinking of.

So my obligatory two cents...

Rebel without a crew is a great book... Highly motivating. I think we can all agree on that. Plus, we've all likely read -- maybe hundreds of times -- how we need to be able to write in those locations we can certainly use.

But please do not let this STIFLE your creativity. Going into a screenplay is hard enough without limiting your creativity. Sure, write in the locations you KNOW you'll be able to use but don't let that stop you from dreaming up that scene that involves a location you DON'T think you'll ever be able to get.

My very first screenplay was a screenplay I wrote to make myself with my trusty Canon 1014 XL-S. I put in all the locations I REQUIRED to make that story complete. One of the locations was a government vehicle parking lot.

Huh?

I remember when I wrote it thinking, "How the hell am I ever gonna find a government parking lot?"

But I kept the location because KEEPING the location helped UNLEASH my CREATIVITY. I didn't have to worry about fitting a square peg into a round hole at this point... Those times certainly were coming but why worry about them now when you're just trying to flesh out a story to shoot?

So I wrote and finished the script... If I remember correctly, I had at least 5 locations that I had no idea how or where I was going to find them...

So I was driving by this mall one day and for whatever reason, drove around the back... Sometimes you can find some amazing things behind a mall... LOL.

As I drove back there, I found that the parking lot was just as large as the front of the mall and within that parking lot was another parking lot with a lot of vehicles in it. I drove up to the lot and even noticed concertina wire over the top of the 8 foot fence and thrown up there in a very visual way.

As I said, inside the lot were a lot of different cars... Big ones, little ones, 2 doors, 4 doors, a couple of trucks.

Every one of them had a government plate on them. Turns out that this was some kind of government vehicle overflow lot.

I got everyone together and the next day, we shot the scene... We placed "OUR" government vehicle directly in front of the little overflow lot. I shot some great footage of the wire and made sure we could see it within the shot.

The scene came off GREAT and looked amazing... That little lot completely SOLD the shot.

That's when it hit me... Never LIMIT yourself to JUST the locations you know you can obtain... Doing that can also limit your story and even more important, YOUR CREATIVITY.

Rather, let it go... Write it in and worry about it later... Once a location actually becomes a problem because you kept it and need it, you start figuring out ways to solve that problem and what are we if not PROBLEM SOLVERS?

Often, the way you end up solving the problem ends up being better than you could have imagined anyway...

So while I understand writing in locations and props you know you can use, please RECONSIDER leaving out a prop or location in your story because you don't think you'll be able to pull it off...

Your creativity will thank you for it...

Sorry for the rant.

filmy