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I just finished my first full-length feature screenplay.

Cracker Funk

Cracker Funk

Shooting is scheduled to begin in a month-and-a-half (though, I'm yet to cast one major role). Ultra-low-budget indie.

Anybody wanna read this script and offer brutally honest feedback?
 
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Okay, here comes George to trample on your dream.

I'll take a look at your screenplay. Though I know I won't finish it, as everyone else here has said. But, I think the reason why none of us will finish it, is because it's way too long. You know it's too long.

1. When modifying a screenplay you don't just remove scenes. If you wrote your screenplay properly using every scene to mean something in the story, character etc, it can't be removed. Something will lack story or character wise by removing scenes.

2. You say you just finished your first full length screenplay CONGRATULATIONS. Now, rewrite it. Every book, teacher or even myself knows that after you finish a screenplay walk away from it for at least 2 weeks (even better a month) try to get feedback (you're doing that here), and then take a close look at what you've written. The errors should be blaring, because you're not so involved in writing it anymore. (I've written things that I've gone back after a time, and have flat out said "this is complete shit").

3. If this is your first draft, it's probably all exposition, and pretty piss poor exposition. This goes along with #2, but it's something you'll notice.

4. If you're shooting in a month and a half, have no cast, and it's a 146 page first draft: You are setting yourself up for major headaches and disappointment. Unless you are the next David Lynch or John Waters (are you?) you have a billion to one shot of making something anyone will want to watch. (I know that sounds mean, but I don't mean it to. It's just the truth)

These are just some of the reasons why you are working too fast. Don't give up the dream. If it's micro-budget and you have no cast, then it's just a matter of time. So, hopefully time is on your side. If you do things correctly the outcome will be that much greater.

Now, one of the reasons your script might be 146 pages is because you're the Director and you've put in all the shots POV etc that extend a script's length. I don't know if you've done that, but if you have, it'll make it harder for me (at least) to read pertaining to the story etc.

Anyway vanlutz@hotmail.com is my e-mail. If you want to send a PDF I'll give it a glance, and be beyond brutally honest. Just know this in advance; I firmly believe every story can work. I've yet to really see a movie where the story didn't work. Even the most boring movies I've seen the stories work. So, my notes won't be on story, it'll be on script writing.

One last thing (damn I write long posts) there's a reason why agents, studios won't accept scripts longer then 120 pages from novices. It's because it's almost impossible to get an audience to sit through a movie that's over 2 hours long. Even the most action packed adventure film's script is under 120 pages. You don't need 3 pages to describe a chase scene. So, 146 is way way too long.
 
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ussinners, I asked for brutally honest, and you gave it. Thanks for your insight, and thanks for the offer to look at the script. My response -

1. I agree. But some of my scenes can definitely be shortened. Lots of "Clerks"-type dialogue, dudes joking about boobs and farts, not exposition, but meaningless dialogue that can go bye-bye.

2. I like that advice, and plan to do just that.

3. I definitely tried my best to avoid exposition. Hopefully, I was successful, but I'll listen to what people have to say.

4. I do have a cast. And they're very excited about it. It's just one role I haven't cast yet, but I've got someone lined up (they're just not my first choice, but it's probably hers to take). This ain't my first rodeo, and I know the tremendous mountain of planning ahead of me. In fact, I'm doing this thing at a rapid pace intentionally. To me it seems like too many micro-budget indie filmmakers make themselves into weekend warriors, and it takes them a year to shoot a movie. F-that. I plan to shoot it over a month's time. Why do we have to begin a month-and-a-half from now? Because college is back in session in the middle of August, so the bulk of my actors will become unavailable until next Summer.

I think the main reason it's 146 pages is because I know how fast my scenes move when I direct them. I know it sounds crazy, flies against traditional logic, but there's no way this movie is over two hours long, as written. I'd say it's closer to 100 minutes (though, I'm yet to time it out in my head).

And yes, there is a bunch of stuff that was written basically to myself (director); hopefully there isn't so much that it makes it tough for you to read. The chase-scene is a perfect example. I've got every part of it written out, when I could've just written "DJ chases Pork Rind and Lainee down the block". I don't know if it's 3 pages, but it's definitely a lot longer than it should be, if I were submitting this to an agent for potential sale.

I appreciate the feedback. I gotta get to work. I'll post/email later tonight or tomorrow.
 
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Cracker Funk said:
ussinners, I asked for brutally honest, and you gave it. Thanks for your insight, and thanks for the offer to look at the script. My response -

1. I agree. But some of my scenes can definitely be shortened. Lots of "Clerks"-type dialogue, dudes joking about boobs and farts, not exposition, but meaningless dialogue that can go bye-bye.

2. I like that advice, and plan to do just that.

3. I definitely tried my best to avoid exposition. Hopefully, I was successful, but I'll listen to what people have to say.

4. I do have a cast. And they're very excited about it. It's just one role I haven't cast yet, but I've got someone lined up (they're just not my first choice, but it's probably hers to take). This ain't my first rodeo, and I know the tremendous mountain of planning ahead of me. In fact, I'm doing this thing at a rapid pace intentionally. To me it seems like too many micro-budget indie filmmakers make themselves into weekend warriors, and it takes them a year to shoot a movie. F-that. I plan to shoot it over a month's time. Why do we have to begin a month-and-a-half from now? Because college is back in session in the middle of August, so the bulk of my actors will become unavailable until next Summer.

I think the main reason it's 146 pages is because I know how fast my scenes move when I direct them. I know it sounds crazy, flies against traditional logic, but there's no way this movie is over two hours long, as written. I'd say it's closer to 100 minutes (though, I'm yet to time it out in my head).

And yes, there is a bunch of stuff that was written basically to myself (director); hopefully there isn't so much that it makes it tough for you to read. The chase-scene is a perfect example. I've got every part of it written out, when I could've just written "DJ chases Pork Rind and Lainee down the block". I don't know if it's 3 pages, but it's definitely a lot longer than it should be, if I were submitting this to an agent for potential sale.

I appreciate the feedback. I gotta get to work. I'll post/email later tonight or tomorrow.
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Words make it tough for me to read. I've never been to an eye doctor, but I have to be dyslexic. I just reread your first post where you wrote "I've yet to cast one major part". I thought it read, you didn't cast any part. That's a big mistake on my part.

But, no problem. I'll rip your puppy to shreds, and you can tell me to go fuck myself. :yes: I'll be waiting.:rolleyes:
 
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vpturner@comcast.net

But 146 pages regardless of how it plays out in your head as director is too long. If your goal is to write and eventually submit to other prodcos, you'll want to stick to the roughly one page per minute rule and keep it under 120 pages. Write your epic after you've been established. I'm sure directorik will attest to the practice of first checking page count, then performing the fan test (looking for white space).

And you'd best grab me by page ten. If you can't, then it is definitely too long. Cut out all of that extraneous crap that doesn't move the story forward. Out of my 118 page script, I have an entire box of over 500 pages of stuff that got cut out or rewritten. Not kidding.

Happy to shred it for you. :)
 
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VP: I was going to mention the the page number and white page test, but I thought that everyone would think I was going a little overboard. It's good to know others know these things.

The problem most people have (and I'm not saying this is the case here) is, they can't part with anything they've written. I've had people defend the worst most pathetic exposition as necessary. I've done it myself. Now, I don't care. If I really want to keep something (usually a joke), I'll make the necessary rewrites and put it in somewhere else.
 
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ussinners said:
Words make it tough for me to read. I've never been to an eye doctor, but I have to be dyslexic. I just reread your first post where you wrote "I've yet to cast one major part". I thought it read, you didn't cast any part. That's a big mistake on my part.

But, no problem. I'll rip your puppy to shreds, and you can tell me to go fuck myself. :yes: I'll be waiting.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Haha. No, in retrospect, that is clearly my fault for poor use of the English language. The way I said it, it totally sounds like I have no cast. What I meant to say is that there is one role for which I'm yet to cast.
 
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VPTurner said:
vpturner@comcast.net

But 146 pages regardless of how it plays out in your head as director is too long. If your goal is to write and eventually submit to other prodcos, you'll want to stick to the roughly one page per minute rule and keep it under 120 pages. Write your epic after you've been established. I'm sure directorik will attest to the practice of first checking page count, then performing the fan test (looking for white space).

And you'd best grab me by page ten. If you can't, then it is definitely too long. Cut out all of that extraneous crap that doesn't move the story forward. Out of my 118 page script, I have an entire box of over 500 pages of stuff that got cut out or rewritten. Not kidding.

Happy to shred it for you. :)
Click to expand...

But that's not my goal. Ever. I'm not a screenwriter; I'm just kinda doing it by default. And this ain't no epic.

What is this "fan test"/"white space" you talk of? I must know.

Your comment about grabbing interest by page 10 is quite appropo for this screenplay; I like my beginning, but I worry that it takes way too long for the story to get going.
 
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Okay, here it is, ya jackals. Have fun tearing it up.

http://www.filedropper.com/antiherov11

As far as I can tell, that's a legit file-sharing site. You just select "Download This File", and boom, you've got it, without any spyware, or whatever. But, if anybody doesn't trust this site, and wants to read the 1st draft of "Antihero", email me -- joseph@crackerfunk.com.

PositiveFuture -- here's what ya asked for:

Logline: Pork Rind, a low-life petty-thief, with his best-friend/partner-in-crime by his side, uses his newfound psychic power to become a better thief, until they stumble upon a runaway girl in need of their help.

Synopsis: Uhh, that takes too long for me to care to write. The logline describes it pretty well.

2 Key scenes: I don't know what makes a scene "key". I did read once, however, that many professional actors/actresses will not even consider a script until they've read the first ten and the last ten pages. They are supposedly looking to see if the hero has completed his/her arch in a major fashion, or something like that. So, if I can take you up on your offer, read the first and last ten pages. Thanks.

I did some editing today. I cut out a bunch of nonsense crap, and that got it down to 141 pages. I'm using the free Page2Stage software. To get the PDF to you guys, I copied-pasted into OpenOffice (yeah, I said micro-budget, mofo's), then exported to PDF. First, this means that there's a lot of weird formatting that doesn't exist when I look at it in my software (which I'm eventually printing straight from). Second, with the formatting differences, it cut my page-count down from 141 to 130. I don't know which one is "correct". I would have to assume 141 is "correct", because that is software created specifically for this purpose. Truth be told, I don't really care about the page count. As written, this is a 90-100 minute movie.

Tear it to shreds! Let there be a feeding frenzy! Agghhhh!!!

I'm taking ussinners's advice. I'm stepping away for 2 weeks. You will not see me on these boards, nor will I respond to any emails (unless you're asking me to directly send you the PDF).

Be nice. But be honest.

Thanks!
 
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Cracker Funk said:
But that's not my goal. Ever. I'm not a screenwriter; I'm just kinda doing it by default. And this ain't no epic.

What is this "fan test"/"white space" you talk of? I must know.

Your comment about grabbing interest by page 10 is quite appropo for this screenplay; I like my beginning, but I worry that it takes way too long for the story to get going.
Click to expand...

The fan test gives the reader a good idea of whether the script is dialogue heavy (too much white space) or description heavy (too much black space). There should be a good balance. Movies are a visual medium, so they should be more than just talking heads. And large blocks of description really slow down the read and, thus, the pace.

If you don't want to be a screenwriter, why are you seeking feedback in the screenwriting section? Make your movie, and then get it torn apart. :)

EDIT: Side note, I guess it's a good thing you don't want to be a screenwriter because page one already has problems. But since you don't want that type of feedback, I will ignore the passive voice.

Example (for benefit of those who do want to be screenwriters):

"A low thud can be heard, like a door being punched."

Better:

"A low thud [echos, resonates, emanates, manifests...] , like a door being punched."

Or, just clip it into an incomplete sentence that still fully conveys the idea:

"A low thud, like a door being punched."

I could take it further by saying avoid words ending in "-ing" because "being punched" is still passive. Active is something does something.

"A low thud, like the sound of a punched door." And here's where the tradition of capitalizing sound references in shooting scripts for benefit of the foley department come into play:

"A low thud, like the SOUND of a PUNCHED DOOR."

:cheers:
 
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Okay, I find myself on page 13, asking myself, "Why should I care about these punks?" So far neither one is exhibiting amiable qualities to which the average person can relate (unless your target audience is degenerate high-schoolers) and neither one has demonstrated a clear problem that requires resolution. Your theme should also be stated by now. And I hope your theme doesn't have anything to do with whether or not we should lust after our siblings. :lol:

Your audience is right now looking for someone to root for. And so far the only one I've rooted for was the homeowner. :)

It seems you are channeling the mindless banter found in Pulp Fiction between Vincent and Jules. But running a sequence like that requires mastery of dialogue, something Quentin does exceptionally well. Both of your main characters sound exactly alike. One test you can perform is to cover up the names of the characters and see if you can tell who's speaking. Another exercise is to assemble a round table (your cast, preferably) and do a read through. Listen carefully to the dialogue (record it, listen to it over and over). I suspect you'll find that much of it doesn't ring true.

"On the nose" dialogue is another common misstep. There isn't need for the characters to talk about what they're doing. That's redundant. For instance, you don't need to show him grabbing a bag of Reeses Pieces while he's essentially saying "I'm going to eat these Reeses Pieces". I mean, what else would he do with them?

Show, don't tell. They describe the contents of the trunk with their dialogue, but it's much better to just show the contents of the trunk.

Anyway, just making notes as I go along.
 
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I'm up to page 10, and here's two examples of what I've found within the script. I think they're good examples of novice writing, where you tell us things instead of showing us things. (I'll e-mail you other notes as I go along)

Remember these are little things, but if every couple of pages there's another little thing, it adds up to half a script of worthless moments. Which in the end makes for a really bad movie.

On page 3 the guys open a trunk and find a shitload of candy and free weights. They then say that to the audience. Then instead of just taking candy, they have to say what candy they're going to take. It's not funny, it's not clever dialogue, it's just bad exposition.

Then a few pages later, there's the whole breaking and entering scene. All that dialogue is crap. It's prolonging something that could be done in less then a page without much of the dialogue.

Now, here's the thing: Think about what's happened thus far, and combine them.

1. Laine is running from her house, after a violent struggle. This makes the audience wonder about her.

2. Imagine if the guys open the trunk and have a moment of shock on their face. Is Laine dead in the trunk? No, it's filled with candy and free weights.

a) One guy has to be Laurel the other Hardy.

3) Laurel takes a candy bar, and Hardy stuffs a shitload in his pockets.

a) Now they're drinking and eating.

4) They come upon the house. Laurel loses rock and paper and has to push a stuffed Hardy up to a window. There can be grunts, groans, even farting. But very little dialogue. Because explaining what they're going to do is BORING.

On a plus note: I like the fact your characters are doing things instead of just standing around talking. It's just what they're saying is not very good.

Oh and fried peanut butter, would be better with an Elvis Presley story. He LOVED fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He once called some close friends in the middle of the night, put them on his private jet and flew them somewhere in the US. When the plane landed someone was waiting with peanut butter and banana sandwiches. They ate and flew home. Supposedly, the cost of the trip was close to $100,000. I know they sound disgusting, but try one, it's delicious.

I'm editing this post, to add what's below.

One more example: Page 12, you give all this action of him drying himself off. Spitting in the sink, looking in the medicine chest, finding a certain prescription... Then this really bad piece of exposition dialogue "Hello, friend. I think you're coming with me." Why doesn't he just pop one, or just put it in his pocket? It's shows us, it doesn't tell us. Or if you really want dialogue there how about something about karma coming back to him for the ten spot.

I do have a few questions about money. They're robbing cars for cash. So why would they give the ten back? They're thieves. Isn't it more in character for them to keep the money? They need it. They don't have any. Also, they've just robbed a car of a twenty and then one asks the other about money for the cable bill. They just robbed a car because they have no cash. How could he have cable money?
 
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