Ah, who am I fooling? I can't stay away from this! Not when people are talking about my work. I guess this is gonna be a long post -- for those that don't care to read the whole thing -- I'm gonna put people's names in bold, so that you can just read my response to your specific message.
First of all, I feel very appreciative of the time and thought that you are all adding, and I look forward to hearing more (I'm passing it around to some people here in Richmond as well).
VPTurner
-- Even though I don't plan to ever try and sell a script, I did enjoy hearing your critique of how to phrase sentences to make them more interesting.
-- This is a small thing, but I have to have him say "I'll have a Reeses Pieces" because I can't actually show that (copywrite infringement), otherwise, I totally agree with you, and I'm glad you brought it up, as I will look through the rest of my script for needless "on the nose" dialogue
-- You are absolutely right -- my characters all sound the same. That sucks. The irony is that I actually went into this project with the specific goal of trying to avoid that common pitfall. To this end, I'm calling on the help of my lead actors and actresses to rewrite the dialogue and make it their own.
ussinners
-- I appreciate how specific your notes are, and that you're speculating alternatives to the weaknesses you're pointing out. I predict I will especially appreciate your notes once I've finally stepped away from this and come back after a couple weeks away. This thread should die down soon enough, and then I can finally step away.
-- FYI - I like a lot of the ideas you've mentioned, but I just thought I'd point out that I particularly like the Laurel/Hardy idea
-- to answer your questions about money: They're thieves, but thieves with a heart. The girl at the register will get in trouble if her bank is short. The people who's cars they rob are out of sight and out of mind, and in the mind of Pork Rind and Stogie, probably rich and not in need of their twenty bucks. The cable bill would be paid by a paycheck (is quite normal for busboys to live check-to-check), but that's a moot point because I think I'm going to replace that line with something else; it actually has no relevence to the story.
Buddy
-- I'm sorry you ended up not liking it. I'm actually surprised that you thought the first act was the strongest. I actually thought it was the weakest. I'm glad you at least liked a few lines (yeah, they're original)
-- One of the things you mentioned was that it could use some "character endearing". You're not the only person who's said that. The name of the movie is "Antihero" after all, but I still want the audience to like our antihero. If you care to offer ideas on how I might make them more endearing, I'd definitely like to hear it.
PositiveFuture
-- I really like your "radio play" advice. I plan to heed that.
-- WOW!!! You're line-specific analysis is incredible. Even if you don't analyze any more than the ten or so pages that you've already critiqued, I can use this critique as a reference point for the rest of the script, as I'm sure much of the same problems exist elsewhere. I'll consider myself very lucky if you actually do this for the whole script (though, it is a lot of script).
wridingrlm
-- I hear what you're saying about the rushed schedule. I assure you, I'm well aware of the importance of preproduction. So, why such a hurry? I guess you'd have to understand my battle-plan. The way I see it, there are two ways to make this kind of movie. The first option is what most people in my shoes do -- they shoot it on weekends, and spare time, over the course of a year. Can you imagine the constant headache that must be? Constantly trying to coordinate schedules for a milieu of people who have jobs and lives? No way; I'm not doing that. The other option is to shoot it all at once, with a heavy, rapid shooting-schedule. Shoot the whole dang thing in one month. Well, how do you accomplish that? First of all, you need actors who can step away from the rest of their lives for a month. Professional people with careers and families simply cannot do that. So you need to be able to hire professional actors. Except I can't afford professional actors. What is the one (and I do mean one) group of people that I can afford to hire, and who are able to drop everything for one month? College theater students. If I don't shoot this thing by the end of this Summer, I have to wait a full year before they are out on Summer break again. That's not an option. We're shooting this Summer.
-- If you can resist the urge to teach me how to write a screenplay, I prefer to hear critiques on the actual story, though I certainly won't turn away any writing-lessons.
-- to answer your question about dilemma, it is in the story of Lainee -- will she find a suitable place to grow up, and can Pork Rind help her get there?
-- I think what Padnar was talking about was story, not formatting, but I could be wrong.
Padnar
-- Basically, you're just very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very limited in what you can shoot. Each ultra-low budget screenplay kind of has to be self-tailored, insofar as knowing what resources are available to you. Where can you shoot? And, if you're hoping to get distribution, where can you legally get permission to shoot? What type of actors do you have at your disposal? What are their acting abilities? How many of your friends do you think you can coerce into being an extra? What equipment do you have at your disposal? What props do you have available? What are you capable of doing in post? So many questions, that when answered, will severely limit what you can write and successfully shoot. So, forget about that scene in the jail; forget about that scene in the busy nightclub; forget about that action sequence that took place outside on a rainy night; forget about having an ambulance pick up your injured hero; forget about the police hauling away the bad guy. All of that stuff costs money to shoot.
-- Mumblecore -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mumblecore - from what I hear, the flagship of mumblecore is "Puffy Chair", and in fact, I'm about to watch it myself, streaming on Netflix
EDIT - "Puffy Chair" - cool movie. Great example of what can be done with ZERO dollars. I won't lie, I prefer movies like "Avatar" and "Dark Knight", but if you want a prime example of working with what you've got, these guys did a terrific job. What I'm saying, if it's not obvious, is that you shouldn't look to me for an example to emulate, Padnar -- look at "Puffy Chair".
