Why do you assume they know where he lives? And he has no job. Is good that you pointed this out, though, cuz you're probably not the only person who would think this, so perhaps I need to explain it, somehow.
Phone company records. They have to send the bill somewhere. Plus, with a criminal record, it's entirely plausible the local police know him. My father was a police officer. When there's a crime spree like what you illustrated, they'd be "rounding up the usual suspects" as the old cliche' goes. And his fingerprints (already on file) would be everywhere.
Who filed the missing person report? Well, her dad is abusive, but when she goes missing from school, don't you think he'd kind of HAVE TO file a report? He's not visiting her because he knows she ran away from his abuse. Either that, or the hospital will not let him visit, because Lainee has told all. As far as hospital procedures, actually, I consulted my sister, who is a doctor, and I'm afraid your assumptions are incorrect. Moot point, though. AXED!
You may want to research drug overdose a little more. Hell, my DOG was kept overnight on I.V. fluids after overdosing on his antibiotics (he ate the bottle). It very much depends on what she took. And if she was unconscious having required CPR to revive her, you are honestly telling me that they would not keep her under observation? You do know what happens when the brain is deprived of oxygen, right? Regardless, this does not ring plausible that she'd be up and around and coherent so soon after an incident where she nearly died. In fact, people end up in comas from this very thing.
Is your sister a medical doctor? And she didn't tell you that? Something's not plausible here, either.
I try not to make "assumptions". As a writer, that's dangerous. I back up my claims with research or first-hand knowledge. Although that's no guarantee I'm always accurate, I am close to the mark more often than not.
Yeah. They're suggesting Lainee RUN AWAY from child protective services. Whatever. AXED! I never liked any of that whole scene, anyway.
Interesting. So are you insinuating that CPS is an enemy to Lainee?
In order to balance these characters, perhaps consider placing a someone in the mix whose moral compass isn't spinning like an airplane prop.
Time-span was a week. I can't remember for sure, but I think I showed (or told) that in the script somewhere. If I didn't, I need to. Halfway houses are for crooks, and they're no more secure than group homes.
Halfway houses are also for substance abusers. Lainee clearly qualifies since she tried to kill herself with pills. Regardless, she would not be left unsupervised as a runaway, a suicide risk and a ward of the court. I have a niece in this situation today.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halfway_house
The purpose of a halfway house, also called a recovery house or sober house, is generally to allow people to begin the process of reintegration with society, while still providing monitoring and support; this is generally believed to reduce the risk of recidivism or relapse when compared to a release directly into society. Some halfway houses are meant solely for reintegration of persons who have been recently released from prison or jail, others are meant for people with chronic mental health disorders, and most others are for people with substance abuse issues. These sober halfway houses are many times voluntary places of residence and many of the residents may have no criminal record whatsoever. There is often opposition from neighborhoods where halfway houses attempt to locate.
Hmm...I like your thoughts on this. I'm limited in what I can do, budget-wise, but that doesn't mean I can't have police incorporated in one way or another. I'll have to give that some thought.
I figured this was budget related. But there are always nosey neighbors and not just cops to worry about. In the world you've constructed, it appears nothing exists outside the microcosm of your characters - no cause and effect, no consequences for one's actions.
The point of this is to show Lainee having positive experiences with people who are actually nice to her. This is the first time she's ever experienced anything like this in her entire life, and she gets to experience being a normal kid. She has to experience the positive, so that when it's all torn away from her, it's a crushing blow. Have you seen "Unleashed"? This portion of my script was heavily inspired by it. In "Unleashed", Jet Li is basically a human attack-dog, raised and trained by a loan shark. One day, he is taken in by a nice father and daughter, before the bad guys eventually come to repossess. "Unleashed" isn't dramatic gold, but for me, the section of the movie in which Jet Li learns how to eat ice cream and play the piano and grocery shop works really well. I've definitely thought of a couple ways to shorten this section, but there's no way in heck I'm axing it.
But from your setup, the story isn't about Lainee. It's about Pork Rind and his transformation into a superhero so he can save Lainee, which he ultimately fails to do. Both your logline and your title reflect it.
Unlike
Unleashed, you didn't setup the fact that she had never experienced anything like this before, so paying it off and running yet another character exposition and development sequence during a time when you should be wrapping up the setup portion of the story or expanding on ideas you've already established really slows down the pace. Things should be running at full tilt by now, and Lainee's escape alluded to "rising action", but instead of running frantic through the forest, so to speak, we end up wallowing in quick sand.
Whoah. They find incriminating evidence to send her dad to jail. I don't see how you have a problem with that scene.
Not that scene. He sits down and demonstrates to Lainee using cards again, the same thing we'd seen before. Sorry I didn't have a page reference.
Once I realized you were taking me (the reader, the audience) through another slow, boring, dialogue heavy sequence, I just started skimming, waiting for the pace to pick up and looking for the finale to start. And that didn't start until page 114, I believe.
Hell yeah. Strong woman. But she doesn't do it alone. I think Pork Rind makes a pretty solid contribution. They save each other.
Then make her your lead character. Your premise, your logline, your setup, was all about Pork Rind and his newly found abilities, but none of that came into play during the climax. This is where character arc is important. Opening sequence is about establishing your characters (at work, at home, at play), establishing a problem that requires action "or else", and then turning their world upside down. Once we get to the final sequence, your main character will have changed, learned the necessary skills to bring the problem to resolution, acquired the knowledge and wherewithal to "save the day".
Lainee escaped on her own by smashing a bottle over DJ's head. Pork Rind did not help her. Same thing with the knife. Pork Rind was overpowered, clearly outmatched, and it took Lainee to save him. Lainee also saved herself on page 1 by escaping and running away. Pork Rind didn't help her.
Lainee is the hero in this story. She's the survivor.
Those are some terrific notes. Thank you for them! Some of your suggestions will definitely be incorporated into the next draft.
No problem. Happy to help.
