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Too Much for a Short?

W

wheatgrinder

Hi all,
Iv been working on my script for "The Last Little Girl" In my next draft I want to reformat it into the classic three act structure of the Heroes Journey. I want this to be a short. Am I trying to cram too much into a 20\30 min film?

For us noobies..
This is formatted based on some ideas I (just) learned in Michel Hauge and Christopher Volgers "The Heroes 2 Journeys"

The percentages are percentage of script, for example in a 20 page script the "50% turn" would be page 10.



The Last Little Girl Story Arc
Act I


  • <The Old World>
  • Lynn with older sister as best friends. (wearing iPod)
  • Lynn practicing piano (wearing iPod) complaining
  • Taking care of ducks (wearing iPod)

    <10% turn - Call To Adventure>

  • Golden Ring Shaped Space Ship Arrives
  • Rumors of strange things, people disappearing, no babies being born.
  • Older sister is seriously injured, disappears in golden flames

    <the new situation>

  • World has changed, surviving in the new world is first goal
  • Only Lynn and Dad are left at the farm (rest of the world is quiet?)
  • Dad teaching Lynn survival skills, how to shoot, how to work the generator, How to use compass and map. Lynn and Dad enjoying time together.
  • Gathering and cooking duck eggs.
  • Dad drives to town to scavenge supplies
  • Lynn is alone, takes care of animals, practices piano
  • Dad crashes truck and vanishes in golden flames (Lynn doesn’t know)
  • Dog pack attacks and kills ducks
  • Dad still gone, generator breaks down


    <25% turn - Change Of Plans>

  • Dad hasn’t returned! MAIN GOAL = Reunite With Dad! The viewer knows this is an impossible goal, but Lynn doesn’t!


Act II
  • Lynn makes plans, gets out the map
  • Makes gun carrier, saws off shotgun
  • Gathers remaining food, packs up
  • Dangerous creek crossing
  • a cute victory dance with the ipod on!
  • Evades dog pack


    <50% turn - Point of No Return>


  • Sleep sweet tonight, listens to music.

    <complications and higher stakes>

  • Dog steels food while Lynn dozes with her headphones on..
  • Lynn hunts for food
  • Lynn gets chased by dog pack
  • gets lost in the woods
  • smashes iPod and tries to use battery to start a fire..sucess!
  • Fire goes out from the sudden rain
  • Lynn loses backpack

    <75% turn - Major Set Back>

  • Lynn falls down ravine, stranded, hurt, gives up..



ACT III


  • <dig deep!>
  • Lynn learns that her father is in the ship. They communicate long range(Dads hologram)
  • Dad talks about finding Mom and Sister there too
  • Dad explains a little of what is happening on the ship. The ship is not a “ship” it is a portal..
  • Dad explains that Lynn can be reunited with her family, but she has to get to the old underground research facility, before its too late...
  • Lynn clambers up the cliff
  • Lynn struggles, limps down the road, using shotgun as crutch, and finds the research facility,


    <95% turn - climax>

  • Lynn finds Dad in the control room.. but dad has new info.. now he understands what’s going on.. He explains how the visitors are not aliens, but humans from alternate universe trying to rescue the human “survivors” by translating them to the other universe
  • Dad explains the choice she must make

  • She flips the switch. Dad, Mom and sister lost to her forever, but humanities future assured
  • Lynn leaves the complex, walks towards the sunrise and finds the other kids

    <aftermath>

  • New life, new world
 
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It occurs to me (after a PM from Buddy!) that many of the bullets aren't Scenes exactly, rather, they are "key points" that I want to cover. Buddy showed me how I can distill many of the key points into just one scene. Hes quite the genius by the way. If he offers to help you, take him up on it!
 
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wheatgrinder said:
About Mom, yes shes gone.. and sister too.

New opening scene to elicit sympathy is Dad and Lynn leaving moms graveside (not funeral, just the yearly visit. So no big cast of nicely dressed folks, just dad and daughter by a grave stone..) They drive home. Sister was there to show the connection between the space craft and folks going up in flames before they die but now, that will just be part of the news story that comes on TV.. That way I can get right into the new world in two or three scenes. This does improve father daughter bond, and sort of isolates them from the rest of the world. .. other changes to compress and focus.

Oh, and here is a hint about the "aliens" purpose. They call them selves the "archivers"
Click to expand...

Sounds like you could make a franchise with the alien "archivers"

I like that opening scene :)
 
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well Im glad you liked it because ITS OUT! :)

More compression. The reality of the story is that the "old world" is one where the "archivers" are already here, the old old world is not relevant to whats going to happen. Buddy pointed out that I could just "start" there.. here's the way it is, you as a viewer might be surprised, but the to the characters, having a space ship in the air, and other crazy things going on is just part of everyday life. Consider the "Book of Eli" same thing.. we just start where we are, the war was quite a while back.. etc.. Now that I think on it, this is NOT new (new to me don't count!) Mad Max was like this too.. amazing that it wasn't obvious to me before..

Here is Buddy Greenfields (mostly) take on my first scene. I was hesitant about taking it almost verbatim as he wrote it, but it is SO much better than mine, and sets just the right light tone I want..


EXT. BARN YARD
At a chopping block LYNN (11), wraps electrical wire around a live chicken. JAMES (40s) approaches with a car battery and hatchet.


JAMES

Ready?

LYNN

Yep, connect her on up.

James winds the wires around the battery terminals.

JAMES

And you’re sure this will work?

LYNN

Theoretically, yes.

He picks up the hatchet.

JAMES

Okay, hold her steady then.

He raises the hatchet –ZAP-POOF!– The chicken disappears in flash of golden light.

JAMES

Hey, what happened!?

LYNN

Did you check the phase polarity gauge like I asked?

James looks at her sheepishly.

JAMES

Theoretically, no.

LYNN

Dad!

He shrugs.

JAMES

The whole Messenger inversion principle dynamic..thingy confused me.

LYNN

Metz leng er!

JAMES

Yeah him.

Lynn places a hand on her hip and tilts her head.

LYNN

HER!

JAMES

Well.. Its not how Colonel Sanders used to do it!

(beat-serious curious)

Is it?

Lynn exhales.

LYNN

Come on, I’LL make us some frozen peas, again!


They turn and walk towards the nearby farm house.

In the distance a huge golden space craft looms over the mountains.

LYNN (OS)

What Colonel, you never said you were in the Army.

CUT
 
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Wheat,

Thanks for the kind words, but I’m certainly no genius (that’s hysterical!) or even a good writer,
I just offer my thoughts on how to skin the cat. The important thing is you are examining
your story from the outside with additional considerations.

You are skinning the cat now too. :)

-Thanks-
 
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Needs ironing out, but I think it'd be good enough for a feature! Interesting concept, for sure.

Personally, I'd make a fake trailer or try and make a "short feature" (ie. 60-75 mins) because I find movies are too long in general anyways.
 
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Fine, change the beginning, you just hate me because I'm beautiful!....:P


*ahem*


Seriously, I can make the connection between the chicken disappearing and the space ship hovering (the Col. Sanders comment was funny :))

Throwing the viewer in head first isn't always a bad thing. I could watch this, and be curious right off the bat as to what's happening, you've got my interest on that :)


I can appreciate trying to compress things up so you don't have a 2 hr feature, but trying to balance the line between getting the movie going, but not getting the viewer lost.

You're doing a good job, remind me to hire you as my screenwriter....I'll pay 100 bucks a day, plus expenses.....well, when I have 100/ day ;)
 
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Going with the "If its important, say it three times." method of communication, I have a chicken, a dog and a human all going up in golden flames, in that order. The human actually explains that hes going to the ship so it SHOULD be obvious.

OH, BTW, the Top of this post is mostly out the window. Ill try and update with a lose outline but Im in the flow of the script now.. so.. it might come after the fact..
 
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