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The Samurai- A Very Short Screenplay

NickClapper

NickClapper

This is a screenplay that I cooked up. It's pretty short, but I think it could, potentially, be something I might film.

I'd be interested to know what people think. Does it make sense? Is it funny or are you just left thinking 'WTF?'?

Some of the 'comedy' is kind of visual, so please try and picture it whilst reading. I appreciate all feedback, even if it's simply to tell me that it was terrible. But if it is terrible, do let me know why! :D

Anywho, here it is:

http://www.theclapperbored.com/TheSamurai.pdf
 
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VPTurner said:
I'm getting a timeout when trying to view the script. Site problems?
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A little bit of immensely frustrating downtime it seems. My provider is great value, but this isn't the first time that I've had problems with downtime... I'm sorry 'bout that...

I love your new twist ending! Can't wait to see it.
Click to expand...

I'm really pleased that you think it works. I think it is, visually and comically, the best option.
 
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Ok, so I've made the ammendments. It's pretty similar but with a different endings and some formatting changes. Some of the formatting advice I chose to ignore (sorry!) such as changing (V.O) to (O.S) because I actually received conflicting advice on this thread about that, so I figured it's a matter of preference and in matters of preference I should go with my first instinct :D Also the CONTINUED: is an automatic CeltX thing so I don't have the technical know how to get rid of it.

Other than that I did my best to follow people's advice, but I may have made some errors along the way. I've decided to upload this second draft to Google docs because my host has been flaky today and I would love to hear people's thoughts before I start storyboarding...

So here it is: The Samurai- 2nd Draft
 
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NickClapper said:
I made a bit of a meal of that last second draft so please ignore.

Here's a vastly improved/very similar second draft: The Samurai v2.1
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This is the only version I was able to download, and I have to say it was cute. I didn't feel a heightened sense that your protagonist was in any danger, though. I mean, if the Samurai really meant to do him harm, would he really just calmly ring the doorbell?

Interesting regionally inspired take on the situation, though. In Texas, I can tell you it would be whole different story with a vastly different outcome. :lol:
 
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NickClapper said:
I made a bit of a meal of that last second draft so please ignore.

Here's a vastly improved/very similar second draft: The Samurai v2.1
Click to expand...

This is the only version I was able to download, and I have to say it was cute. I didn't feel a heightened sense that your protagonist was in any danger, though. I mean, if the Samurai really meant to do him harm, would he really just calmly ring the doorbell?

Interesting regionally inspired take on the situation, though. In Texas, I can tell you it would be whole different story with a vastly different outcome. He'd find himself staring down the barrel of a shotgun real quick. :lol:
 
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VPTurner said:
This is the only version I was able to download, and I have to say it was cute. I didn't feel a heightened sense that your protagonist was in any danger, though. I mean, if the Samurai really meant to do him harm, would he really just calmly ring the doorbell?

Interesting regionally inspired take on the situation, though. In Texas, I can tell you it would be whole different story with a vastly different outcome. He'd find himself staring down the barrel of a shotgun real quick. :lol:
Click to expand...

I can't even imagine the mess if someone pulled a shotgun in central London. Or anywhere in the UK really. You crazy Yanks and your guns :rolleyes:

Thanks for reading. I didn't really want the Samurai to appear genuinely threatening. The premise stems from 'What would you do if you went to answer the door and saw a Samurai standing outside?'. So I think that if there had seemed to be genuine danger it would have taken it down a different road. Cute is sort of what I'm going for here :blush:
 
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I'm digging this. I read the first draft a few days ago but didn't have time to re-read and give it some proper thought, but it's finally a work-day again so I have time for IT :P

Second draft w/ new ending: 10 times better. That ending really works.

Just some random stream of consciousness thoughts that came to my mind as I was reading it:

It could be fun if the samurai was in some menacing pose, no matter how quickly we see him after ringing the doorbell, he's in the same pose. As if a statue. Could add more comedic effect.

It's possible that the phone conversation will end up seeming a bit long when you cut it together. If it were me shooting this, in prevention of screwing myself, I would have a 'short version' in the back of my mind while shooting and get a lot of coverage/cutaway shots so you can chop it up if needed.

This doesn't really work with the police showing up at the end, but it could be funny if the guy looks out his other windows onto the street and sees samurais on the corners with pamphlets and posing in front of other peoples doors. Maybe cop cars are pulling up to other folks' houses as well? Apart from the cop cars, you could pull this off all with one actor and doing some simple cloning.

I think that's all I got :D I'm looking forward to seeing this. Good luck with your birthday haul!
 
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NickClapper said:
Ok, so we still see the scuffling to get his hand through the letter box and all that. This time Winston doesn't move, just stays stock still, terrified. Then the samurai drops a piece of paper and it flutters to the ground and the letterbox closes. Winston picks up the paper. His face drops. We have a close up on the piece of paper which turns out to be a leaflet saying 'JAPANESE RESTAURANT GRAND OPENING! Takeaway service available...etc.' Cue the distant sound of police sirens and fade to black.

How does that sound?
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I was enjoying myself till the end as well when i read the link. But the ending i quoted does it nicely! Especially the sirens at the end, reminding us that the police are on their way and the two characters are now in an awkward situation. Them being left in the situation as you cut makes it much more interesting and humorous than the joke by itself.

Ive read it, now i want to see it! :yes:
 
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Thanks for the feedback Dreddy and Ernie! :)

I like your idea about having a shot of multiple Samurai out on the street handing out leaflets. In an ideal world that might be what I'd go with. But I think I want to keep this as simple as possible and that would pretty much mean using the locations that I have at my disposal. I'm not sure about the technicalities of shooting in London but beaurocracy over here is a nightmare at the best of times.

I like your suggestion about having the Samurai strike a pose. I'm going to add that, thanks :)

As for the thing being too long, I agree that it might be. I guess it's something I'll have to see. I've done a couple of read throughs and it didn't seem to bad, but there's plenty of fodder to cut if it does get to long.

And yep I agree with you Ernest I would like to cut whilst the resolution is still ambiguous.

I'm a massive sucker for ambiguous endings. My three favourite endings of recent years are
No Country for Old Men, Monsters and (Number One) A Serious Man
I put them in spoiler tags because there's a bit of a theme going on there with the endings...
 
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NickClapper said:
I can't even imagine the mess if someone pulled a shotgun in central London. Or anywhere in the UK really. You crazy Yanks and your guns :rolleyes:

Thanks for reading. I didn't really want the Samurai to appear genuinely threatening. The premise stems from 'What would you do if you went to answer the door and saw a Samurai standing outside?'. So I think that if there had seemed to be genuine danger it would have taken it down a different road. Cute is sort of what I'm going for here :blush:
Click to expand...

Please, let's not get into a debate about gun control. Gun control won't stop criminals from getting them (especially given the weak southern border at the moment). And in a home invasion scenario, moreso in rural areas, by the time the police showed up you'd be dead. I will protect myself and my family by whatever means necessary. ;)

And you succeeded. It was genuinely cute. Sorry if I offended you. It was meant as humor.
 
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You didn't offend me at all! Cute is genuinely what I'm going for.

Things that I've written in the past tend to be quite bleak dramas about human conflict. So I was just having a little bit of fun creating something that was nicely crafted and harmless. The last thing I wrote before this (if anyone can be bothered to read it, I warn that it contains serious formatting errors) can be found at www.theclapperbored.com/InColdFields.pdf

That's more indicative of what I normally would write. But I wanted something funny and sweet :)
 
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I've been working away on this over the last couple of weeks and I'm hoping to shoot in the next fortnight.

I have pretty much everything in place but the missing link (and I'm sure other people have had this problem too) is a sound guy.

As a no budget, young filmmaker it's not easy to get crew but generally speaking I get a decent response to ads that I send out. But it seems that no one wants to help with sound. I own all the equipment so whilst I can't afford to pay them much, it's not like I'm deliberately free loading on their talent and equipment.

I think in the end I'll just have to ask a friend to do it. This isn't ideal because I'm using the Rode NTG-2 so there is a certain skill level, but I'm mainly going to shoot one shot per line of dialogue, so I might be able to get round that.

So if there are any sound recordist out there (preferably in London) please, please send me an email! If there's anyone else on here in London who wants to help out for the day then that'd also be great!
 
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arianR10 said:
Just an off-topic question out of pure curiosity:

Does your screenplay of the film, "The Samurai", bear any resemblance to Jean-Pierre Melville's 1967 film, titled, "Le Samurai"?
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Not intentionally because I haven't seen Le Samurai... Should I?

Nick, I hope the production goes swimmingly!!
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Thanks J-Man, I hope so too! I'm about to launch a Kickstarter page so that I can try and wrangle some money from relatives and friends to cover the costs of the Samurai costume (not as easy to come by as I'd hoped) and a few other rented bits and bobs. Nothing serious.
 
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It's a marvelous film, especially if you have a fetish for old French crime films.

In case you are not particularly well acquainted with Jean-Pierre Melville, he was one of the major figures who began the French New Wave, with his influential film, Bob Le Flambeur, in 1956. He's pretty much respected by the many great French New Wave directors, such as Truffaut or Godard.

Watch the trailer or some of the film's scene's/sequences on YouTube. The film is captivating to say the least, and I can bet you will enjoy it.
 
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I liked it. It plays well as a short. I'm wondering at some other scenarios that might develop from it. Notch it up just a bit.

The girl he has a crush on lives just down the hall. And now the samurai is knocking on her door. He peers out and sees him go inside. What will he do to save her? Would he?
What if it turned out to be her brother who was hired to advertise for the restaurant?
Or it might be the little old lady down the hall and her grandson.

In your story he's deliberately passive. Is there a situation which would force him to confront his fear. And when the police arrive, now everything has to be sorted out.

What if he was actually a singing stripper gram arranged for his love interest's birthday by her office friends who accidentally ended up on the wrong doorstep and didn't realize it. Room 206 instead of 260. He rushes in to save her with his own fencing sword and ... :blush: Then the police arrive.

I just think challenging him to step out of his comfort zone would ratchet it up a bit.

Loved the story.
 
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Thanks for reading FSF!

To be honest with you I wrote The Samurai with the intention of making it. This'll be my first short film using all my new equipment so I don't want anyting longer than a couple of minutes. So when I was writing it I had to narrow the focus down to one central protagonist, one relationship (Winston and operator) and one conflict (Winston and Samurai). Out of that I can draw the jokes and humour and pithy dialogue- rather than high comedy or high drama.

Hopefully soon-ish I'll be in a position to make something longer, with a much more complex narrative structure. I've been working on some short screenplays at about 10 or 15 minutes and they're much more structurally complex (as well as character wise). But 3 minutes isn't long to tell a story and I'm trying to discipline myself to reign in any excess that I might be tempted by!

But thanks for the suggestions! (Sequel? Who knows!)
 
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I'm not so sure a "Kickstarter" or a "Indiegogo", would be the way to go...go. (Couldn't resist)

If this is your first project, I can't imagine the pitch -even though i know it will be brilliantly written, and well constructed- would be something I, as someone who has donated numerous times before, be interested in. Simply due to content. I'd have to see you where an accomplished film-maker, i'd have to see your past work. It's a key-part.
 
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