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The Samurai- A Very Short Screenplay

NickClapper

NickClapper

This is a screenplay that I cooked up. It's pretty short, but I think it could, potentially, be something I might film.

I'd be interested to know what people think. Does it make sense? Is it funny or are you just left thinking 'WTF?'?

Some of the 'comedy' is kind of visual, so please try and picture it whilst reading. I appreciate all feedback, even if it's simply to tell me that it was terrible. But if it is terrible, do let me know why! :D

Anywho, here it is:

http://www.theclapperbored.com/TheSamurai.pdf
 
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That was terrible.

Kidding. :P

I can definitely visualize the set-up. There's some fun back-and-forth on the phone. The punchline at the end was a head scratcher. Does the guy work for FedEx? UPS? And, I guess the obvious question would be, why IS he dressed as a samurai? Maybe I'm missing something.

Is this something you plan to shoot yourself?
 
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Cheers, man!

Yer, I'm absolutely not sure (it that can be an absolute) about the punchline. It's not actually a punchline really, but because it comes right at the end it's kind of forced into being something it's not.

I played around with it for ages before settling.

An alternative version had him saying 'Do you know where the dojo is?' and another 'Where's the start line for the marathon?'. But in the end I went for something purposefully irreverent. So, yes, he works for UPS or the like. The point I was making is that when you see a man in samurai armour, don't get scared. There's major prejudice against samurais in this country.

The whole thing came about because I was talking to my Dad one day and I said
What would you do if you looked through your peephole and saw a samurai standing outside your flat?
and he just looked at me and said 'Aren't you a bit too old to be asking these questions?' :D

But I thought to myself 'what would I do?'. Then again it's supposed to be surreal, not realistic. But I'm not happy with the punchline. Maybe I should just leave it open ended and ambiguous.
 
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It kept my attention and i certainly laughed, especially with the Radebe reference.

A couple of critiques, the minor first, is of the formatting. However, that will come soon enough.

The second, is as we enter the the script, i know nothing of the surroundings, only presented with the action, and the few short details of a peephole, phone etc. This is something that deters my reading, although inviting as it may to be use my imagination to such an extent, it leaves the material with an air of uncertainty. Have i visualised the room correctly? Is that how he lives? Is he clean, messy etc?

I also am not aware of Winstons age. This, perhaps beside a short snap of his profession, or a trait, goes a long, long way.

However, the important thing, is that the material is excellent. Everything else is just simple repetition.
 
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Thanks for the advice...

With regards to the formatting, which bits were a problem? I wasn't really sure how to do the cutaways to the shot outside the door, but other than that is there something missing?

With regards to your second point I was kind of two minds about this. I got some stick for a previous script where I wrote it, basically with stage directions (I've mainly got experience as a playwright, so that feels natural) but they told me that I had given them way too much. For this script I was conscious that Winston will probably look like whoever I can get to play him! So if I say '45 Year Old Man' but the only person I can find is 19 it looks...silly. So I thought I'd just leave that open ended. The same with the profession. I guess that if it was relevent I would have popped it in in a flash, but I thought that for something so short it might constitute superfluous detail. I wrote a script about a photographer once and I put at the start 'HARRY, a 40 year old British photographer' and I had my hand slapped for telling things and then not showing them in the script...

But I do get what your saying, and it's definitely my preference. A little extra exposition in the Action tags would be useful. I'll be adding that to my to-do list for the second draft...

!Gracias Amigo!

EDIT: Also I apologise to every American person who reads this and is confused about who Lucas Radebe is... :D
 
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Not a problem, I'm always happy to read.

Alot of screenwriting is merely down to preference, whether it is you're writing a spec-script, or whether you intend to make it yourself.

What i meant by the formatting, was just a few points.

The "Scene Heading", should always clarify whether it's DAY, NIGHT, or AFTERNOON. (Alot become even more specific, EARLY MORNING, LATE AFTERNOON...preference again)

It is only necessary to emboss the characters name on their introduction into the material.

Telephone conversations, usually, are stated -among with any other spoken dialogue that occurs within context that is not spoken onscreen- as O.S (Off-screen). But, this tends to be a gray area, and differs between many Screenwriters.

Avoid using words that end in "ing". You'll find, this will help tighten your Action, keeping it to the preferred Three or Four lines.

(Beat) is often preferred to (Pause). I've always, although i'm not at all sure it's correct, have placed my "(Beat)" as a "parenthetical", as apposed to a "Foot-note". I still have no idea whether this is the correct structure or not. EDIT: I'd love to know whether it is. So don't listen to this point.

Again, I don't believe there's a wrong way to write a script, so take this very much with a pinch of salt. Style develops.

Back to the entertaining nature. I was half-hoping that the Samurai was going to be a "Birthday Gram", or something along the lines of. Or that the armour was FEDEX's new mandatory uniform.

:)
 
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Good script, however a really good punchline at the end would put it over the top. I'm American so the Radeba reference flew over my head, but it didn't really matter in the context. The only thing I can think
is for him to say "Trick or Treat" because it is August 15th (Japanese Obon). This is reminding me of a New Yorker cartoon contest. "What if a samurai was standing outside your door?" "I'm here to tell you UPS is "slashing" their rates."No, that's terrible.. maybe "I couldn't find my raincoat".
I'm sure whatever idea you come up with is better than mine.:)
 
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Papertwinproductions said:
(Beat) is often preferred to (Pause). I've always, although i'm not at all sure it's correct, have placed my "(Beat)" as a "parenthetical", as apposed to a "Foot-note". I still have no idea whether this is the correct structure or not. EDIT: I'd love to know whether it is. So don't listen to this point.
Click to expand...

I find using the paranthetical tab an absolutely nightmare. In order to avoid it I copy and paste every time I want to say (Pause) so that it doesn't go into auto-parenthesis. I cannot, for the life of me, see the point of the adjustment to the formatting for things like this. But I'm sure that all the top screenwriters are doing all these fancy tricks :rolleyes:

jrsmithson said:
Good script, however a really good punchline at the end would put it over the top. I'm American so the Radeba reference flew over my head, but it didn't really matter in the context. The only thing I can think
is for him to say "Trick or Treat" because it is August 15th (Japanese Obon). This is reminding me of a New Yorker cartoon contest. "What if a samurai was standing outside your door?" "I'm here to tell you UPS is "slashing" their rates."No, that's terrible.. maybe "I couldn't find my raincoat".
I'm sure whatever idea you come up with is better than mine.:)
Click to expand...

Thanks for reading! :)

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I've messed up the punchline. I've drafted v2 and changed the punchline to 'Sorry, do you know where the dojo is?' but I'm still unconvinced.

The problem is is that I came up with the scenario and thought it'd be interesting. Then I came up with the phone conversation and thought that would be funny. But at no point during this process did I come up with a reason why the samurai was there. The FEDEX think the PTP alluded to is kind of what I was going to, but I was making it purposefully surreal. Maybe I should just have him bark at him in Japanese and keep it totally opaque? But I need to rework that because short films like this live and die on the strength of their punchline and at the moment I really think mine is weak.

As for the Lucas Radebe reference- you're not really missing anything! He was just the first person who popped into my head (and it's a wonderful name) and I just thought it was funny... in my sad little way :lol:
 
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I liked it a lot. Looking forward to the revision.

Paper already hit on most of my comments.

Most of these points fall under preference. Most you may have already corrected:

- Like Paper said, a very quick note on Winston would be helpful. Something like:

WINSTON, a man of conservative dress and manner, makes a cup of tea in the kitchen.

Of course, describe him however you want. But that gives the reader an image, while, at the same time, giving a clue to his traits. His "inner" Winston. :) Plus, any actor could play the role.

- Try looking at the narrative portions. Think about breaking up the paragraphs and omitting unnecessary description. For instance, we can assume he's putting the phone to his ear.

And later:

Winston hangs up. Doorbell rings. Winston scared.

Scraping. Arm reaches through.

Face of the samurai. Lifts guard.

That would be written in full sentences, obviously.

- When you write the character direction, write it like:

WINSTON
(sighing)
Dialogue


- You wouldn't normally write "pause" or "beat". Instead, use hyphens -- to denote a break. That way the writing flows better and the actor will have more freedom.

- CONTINUED isn't needed at the bottom/top either.

- You are handling the phone conversations properly. The use of V.O. , that is.

Sorry for blathering.
 
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Thanks for the notes Loomis, I'm going to have that propped open (by propped I mean tabbed, or something... whatever... not sure what I mean) whilst I'm redrafting. I find formats really fiddly so I appreciate the help. And when you say 'a man of conservative dress and manner' those are pretty much the exact words that I'd use to describe him! So I'm glad I (somehow) communicated that to you.

In related news: I think I have a punchline!

Ok, so we still see the scuffling to get his hand through the letter box and all that. This time Winston doesn't move, just stays stock still, terrified. Then the samurai drops a piece of paper and it flutters to the ground and the letterbox closes. Winston picks up the paper. His face drops. We have a close up on the piece of paper which turns out to be a leaflet saying 'JAPANESE RESTAURANT GRAND OPENING! Takeaway service available...etc.' Cue the distant sound of police sirens and fade to black.

How does that sound?

This has turned into an exercise in finding a punchline to the set up for a joke... :D
 
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I'm certainly going to go for the fisheye effect for the peephole shots, it's just about the only occasion when I think the fisheye effect can actually work...

Do you know whether it's possible to do the fisheye effect in post some how? The lens cost a small fortune and there are a whole bunch of things that I'd rather spend that money on...

I think this idea is good enough for me. It also means that we never get to hear the samurai speak, which is what I wanted from the beginning but had to sacrifice...
 
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It's very possible to do in Post. However, it won't have that for the sake of a better word "Glassy" outer lining. Although i am sure, there are ways to make it more authentic. Always worth a Google search.

Also, you're up early.

p.s Grant stays, eh...? Good decision. He'll keep you up.
 
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Haha, that was excellent. Comments on formatting/scene setting have been covered well by the others so I won't go into that, but there's not much else too add - I think you were right to go with the parcel as a punchline rather than a Samurai-specific one, as the more familiar situation makes it funnier.

With regards to a fisheye effect - I think it'll add a lot to the visual quality of the piece. It is possible to simulate the look of a fisheye in post, but you won't get the same wideness so it may not look entirely convincing. If you can't rent a lens for a day (and you're right, it's not the most versatile lens to purchase), I'd suggest buying a screw-in fisheye adapter for £30-40. Won't have fantastic IQ, but for a peephole shot that might add something to it.

Look forward to seeing the finished thing!
 
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Papertwinproductions said:
It's very possible to do in Post. However, it won't have that for the sake of a better word "Glassy" outer lining. Although i am sure, there are ways to make it more authentic. Always worth a Google search.

Also, you're up early.

p.s Grant stays, eh...? Good decision. He'll keep you up.
Click to expand...

I am/was up early. Andy Murray was playing :)

chilipie said:
Delighted that the circus might be leaving town and hopefully AG will get some cash to spent now! I hear talk that Joe Cole might be coming back, that would be fantastic.

Haha, that was excellent. Comments on formatting/scene setting have been covered well by the others so I won't go into that, but there's not much else too add - I think you were right to go with the parcel as a punchline rather than a Samurai-specific one, as the more familiar situation makes it funnier.

With regards to a fisheye effect - I think it'll add a lot to the visual quality of the piece. It is possible to simulate the look of a fisheye in post, but you won't get the same wideness so it may not look entirely convincing. If you can't rent a lens for a day (and you're right, it's not the most versatile lens to purchase), I'd suggest buying a screw-in fisheye adapter for £30-40. Won't have fantastic IQ, but for a peephole shot that might add something to it.

Look forward to seeing the finished thing!
Click to expand...

Thanks for reading it! I'm delighted that you like it, means a lot to me.

I think a screw in adapter sounds like a pretty sensible idea. I'm going to look at how much renting a lense for a day would cost, but that seems like an overly tricky option. So I'll go eBay hunting and see if anything turns up.

Thanks for the input everyone! I consider myself in pre-production on this one :D Probably won't be getting anything shot for a while (I'm starting a film course at the beginning of February that will get in the way) but I don't think it will take more than a day to shoot. I've located the samurai costume that I want, so just got to rope in the actors.

Plus it's my birthday on Friday (whoop) so hopefully that will deliver me the microphone that I've been eying up and, possibly, a new computer capable of editing HD footage :D

I love January.
 
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