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screenplay The Saddest Painting

mlesemann

Staff Member
Moderator
Disturbing but I like it a lot.

A few small comments/suggestions:

1. In scene 6, I don't quite get "The painting is revealing."
Do you mean revealed, like a curtain is pulled back to reveal the painting?

2. If that's what you mean AND you don't intend to show it in the movie (and I think that's a good approach), maybe indicate that so it's clear to actors etc.

3. I suggest that you cut the Youtuber's rant in scene 11 roughly in half. It will half as much or more impact and people don't have patience in movies (especially shorts) for extended speeches.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
A couple misspellings (text should be texts on page 1, drapped should be draped, etc.) but overall a good little short. If it's modern times (assuming by YouTube) you might want to update the word "papers" (when he says that's not what the papers are saying) to media and then "the phone won't stop ringing," I think landline (dated), and also it isn't that exciting, you could have people gathering/picketing outside the home as well as news vans and he rushes in, the wife is pissed, but he is ecstatic. Something like that. He could even open the front door and make a statement, it if fits.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Also I like phonetic dialogue but not overboard, but I would write "There's gonna be a lot of great art" not "going to be."

PS. @mlesemann is this allowed?

Conniosseur* #3 cries in silence, transfixed by misery.

*Also that is a misspelling. ;)
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Yup! Agree. I meant is the action line allowed under that. "transfixed by misery."
 
Read it... Basically agree with everything above but I also think you could tighten up that dialogue just a bit more. A little less wordy and a little more subtext. I think if you sit on it for a couple/few days, THINKING about it, the subtext'll come to you. I just think it'll have a bit more IMPACT if you do.
 
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sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
Read it... Basically agree with everything above but I also think you could tighten up that dialogue just a bit more. A little less wordy and a little more subtext. I think if you sit on it for a couple/few days, THINKING about it, the subtext'll come to you. I just think it'll have a bit more IMPACT if you do.
Which particular dialogue exchange do you think has the most room for improvement?
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
It's just about flow. Things sound a little wordy and proper.

"I have complimentary water and snacks behind the passenger seat."

Could be:

"Look behind the seat."

or

"I got snacks!"

==

"My painting is part of the exhibit at the convention center tonight. There's going to be a lot of great art if you like that sort of thing.

Could be:

"My opening is tonight! You down?"

or

"My opening is tonight. A lot of great artists!"

==

@Unknown Screenwriter is just saying read it all a few times and check the flow, cut the fat.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
If he is supposed to sound prim and proper it mostly works but could still use some finesse. If he is supposed to sound more everyday, it needs even more finesse.
 
First of all? I LIKE the CONCEPT/IDEA you have here. Just think a lot of the dialogue is a little too ON-THE-NOSE. Which is fine for a first draft.

And? I don't want you to necessarily use any of MY recommendations... This is YOUR project.

But for instance... The very first bit of dialogue:

LIAM
I have complimentary water and
snacks behind the passenger seat.

I'd just tighten it up a bit... Give it a more NATURAL flow and rhythm like indietalk said... Again, not saying to use this but more along the lines of:

LIAM
There's complimentary water and
snacks back there.

Also... Since I'm currently looking at the script? Why NOT show this passenger with their PHONE already out when Liam picks them up...

TEXTING PASSENGER enters the back of the car.

I get the IDEA that Liam can ONLY CONNECT with people through his paintings... So if this passenger is already texting, enters the vehicle, drives to the passenger's destination WITHOUT the passenger interacting with him at all? We really get that concept thrown at us HARD in contrast against his paintings.

And? It doesn't even HAVE to be that Liam himself can't connect with others... It could just be that in this current day and age? Nobody is really CONNECTING with each other anymore... At least NOT IN PERSON.

If that makes sense...

Oblivious, Texting Passenger keeps on texting.

I LIKE how Liam TRIES to CONNECT with the passenger AGAIN by inviting them to his exhibit... But again? I think this character and the IDEA/CONCEPT that people just aren't CONNECTING these days might come through a little MORE if you just have the passenger pretty much NEGATE the entire RIDE. LOL.

Maybe something along the lines of...

Liam arrives at TEXTING PASSENGER'S destination -- parks.

LIAM
By the way... There's an art exhibit at
the convention center tonight. I'm showing
one of my paintings. Maybe--

Texting Passenger exits the vehicle -- keeps on texting.

Liam scowls -- drives off.

I could go through the entire script but I don't think you need me to do that... Hopefully, you get the idea/gist of what I'm saying.
 
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sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
First of all? I LIKE the CONCEPT/IDEA you have here. Just think a lot of the dialogue is a little too ON-THE-NOSE. Which is fine for a first draft.

And? I don't want you to necessarily use any of MY recommendations... This is YOUR project.

But for instance... The very first bit of dialogue:

LIAM
I have complimentary water and
snacks behind the passenger seat.

I'd just tighten it up a bit... Give it a more NATURAL flow and rhythm like indietalk said... Again, not saying to use this but more along the lines of:

LIAM
There's complimentary water and
snacks back there.

Also... Since I'm currently looking at the script? Why NOT show this passenger with their PHONE already out when Liam picks them up...

TEXTING PASSENGER enters the back of the car.

I get the IDEA that Liam can ONLY CONNECT with people through his paintings... So if this passenger is already texting, enters the vehicle, drives to the passenger's destination WITHOUT the passenger interacting with him at all? We really get that concept thrown at us HARD in contrast against his paintings.

And? It doesn't even HAVE to be that Liam himself can't connect with others... It could just be that in this current day and age? Nobody is really CONNECTING with each other anymore... At least NOT IN PERSON.

If that makes sense...

Oblivious, Texting Passenger keeps on texting.

I LIKE how Liam TRIES to CONNECT with the passenger AGAIN by inviting them to his exhibit... But again? I think this character and the IDEA/CONCEPT that people just aren't CONNECTING these days might come through a little MORE if you just have the passenger pretty much NEGATE the entire RIDE. LOL.

Maybe something along the lines of...

Liam arrives at TEXTING PASSENGER'S destination -- parks.

LIAM
By the way... There's an art exhibit at
the convention center tonight. I'm showing
one of my paintings. Maybe--

Texting Passenger exits the vehicle -- keeps on texting.

Liam scowls -- drives off.

I could go through the entire script but I don't think you need me to do that... Hopefully, you get the idea/gist of what I'm saying.

Cutting the passenger dialogue is magnificent, its a great suggestion.
Love what you're saying.
 
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