If it fits the character, sure.Also I like phonetic dialogue but not overboard, but I would write "There's gonna be a lot of great art" not "going to be."
PS. @mlesemann is this allowed?
Which particular dialogue exchange do you think has the most room for improvement?Read it... Basically agree with everything above but I also think you could tighten up that dialogue just a bit more. A little less wordy and a little more subtext. I think if you sit on it for a couple/few days, THINKING about it, the subtext'll come to you. I just think it'll have a bit more IMPACT if you do.
First of all? I LIKE the CONCEPT/IDEA you have here. Just think a lot of the dialogue is a little too ON-THE-NOSE. Which is fine for a first draft.
And? I don't want you to necessarily use any of MY recommendations... This is YOUR project.
But for instance... The very first bit of dialogue:
I have complimentary water and
snacks behind the passenger seat.
I'd just tighten it up a bit... Give it a more NATURAL flow and rhythm like indietalk said... Again, not saying to use this but more along the lines of:
There's complimentary water and
snacks back there.
Also... Since I'm currently looking at the script? Why NOT show this passenger with their PHONE already out when Liam picks them up...
TEXTING PASSENGER enters the back of the car.
I get the IDEA that Liam can ONLY CONNECT with people through his paintings... So if this passenger is already texting, enters the vehicle, drives to the passenger's destination WITHOUT the passenger interacting with him at all? We really get that concept thrown at us HARD in contrast against his paintings.
And? It doesn't even HAVE to be that Liam himself can't connect with others... It could just be that in this current day and age? Nobody is really CONNECTING with each other anymore... At least NOT IN PERSON.
If that makes sense...
Oblivious, Texting Passenger keeps on texting.
I LIKE how Liam TRIES to CONNECT with the passenger AGAIN by inviting them to his exhibit... But again? I think this character and the IDEA/CONCEPT that people just aren't CONNECTING these days might come through a little MORE if you just have the passenger pretty much NEGATE the entire RIDE. LOL.
Maybe something along the lines of...
Liam arrives at TEXTING PASSENGER'S destination -- parks.
By the way... There's an art exhibit at
the convention center tonight. I'm showing
one of my paintings. Maybe--
Texting Passenger exits the vehicle -- keeps on texting.
Liam scowls -- drives off.
I could go through the entire script but I don't think you need me to do that... Hopefully, you get the idea/gist of what I'm saying.
By the way... I really like the idea/concept you have going on here. Would LOVE to finally see the finished work if you do decide to go for it.