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Tarantino/Nolan/Hughes influcenced screenplay

supercarz

supercarz

Hi Guys

I'm new to indietalk, I have just finished a screenplay I have been working on for a while and hoping to turn it into my first directed feature.

The main emphasis I put into this screenplay is budget, it reflects the length of the screenplay - just on 80 pages. It reflects the locations - only about four locations, there are few characters and everything is shot indoors.

Dialouge is a big emphasis for me so there is a bit of it in here, some people I have already shown it too say it reads a bit too much like a stage play but I would love to get your opinions

I would say it is influenced by a bit of Tarantino, a bit of Nolan and a bit of John Hughes but think it is an original concept in itself. I love Nolans (and tarantino's) use of telling the story through different chronalogical flashbacks, think of Nolans first feature - Following. So that is what I have tried to use here. And what I generally use for every screenplay I write.

There is a bit of 'slang' in this, typical of most teenage conversations and a bit of sexual talk (again typical of teenage conversations) alas I will leave you to judge if you want to read it.

If you give me your email addy's I can send the script to you.

Oh and please be as brutal as possible ;)

Once again thanks a lot

Cheers

Matt
 
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Welcome to the board!

I'm busy as heck working out a rewrite for my own screenplay, so I don't think I can read all 80 pages. I can read a couple scenes, however. If you want, you can tell me which scenes to read. If you don't have anything particular in mind, I'll read the first 10 and and final 10. I'm a total screenwriting novice, BTW, but maybe my notes can be worth something.

joseph@crackerfunk.com

EDIT: BTW, I don't believe Nolan writes. But, yeah, that dude is genius, as is Tarantino. So much so, that I fear you might be biting off more than you can chew, in trying to emulate them. Then again, maybe you're right to aim high. Shoot for the stars and you might hit the moon? Or something like that.
 
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Dialouge is a big emphasis for me so there is a bit of it in here
Click to expand...


Film is a visual media and heavy dialouge is a red flag for me. Not to say there are not good movies out there with heavy dialouge but they are few and far between. I will respond again if I read the first 10 pages.
 
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I liked it, kept me reading.

The set-up is a little strange (to me), but nice dialogue and I like the Mike and Sophie moment.

There will likely be more detailed critique by others, but a few things I saw:

*It could use some actions while they speak.

*The Billy and Mike moments I didn’t really see much need for, but maybe I’m not getting it.

*The other girls could use some distinguishing traits in their voices.

*The Bowie/Beatles thing is a nice break, but it runs a little long to me.

*The operating theater could be a notch clearer.

*There are some spell check oversights here and there like:
There > Their
Out-way > Out weigh
Baron > Barren
Where > We’re

*I think Ellen’s line (When on the phone and finds the right Sue) can be better.
It’s not bad, but I think it could be perfected to set off that moment.

*The action at the end of 72 (Both and Building used twice) and in 73 (Bursts and Races used a few times)

*Somewhere in there it says she is “plagued by dark memories” or something.

*The end could be stronger.


-Thanks-
 
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Hey Buddy

Yea thanks, when you say the setup do you mean the structure or the setup within the story?

For the Billy and Mike moments I sorta wanted to develop some empathy towards his character and show that he is just a normal kid, and there are some metaphors in his speaking to Billy relating to the position he is in with Ellen, but I probably need to make that clearer.

For Cherry, Stace and Lisa I wanted them to be just typical Girls that don't change throughout the story, it is only Ellen that does. But I can see what you mean about traits.

For Bowie/Beatles I wanted Ellen and Mike to develop a bond but not to cheesy and in your face which is why I chose music to help, I am just worried that I wont be able to say the Dylan lyrics as they are copyrighted.

The operating theatre I want to remain a mystery as too the moment Mike has the accident, which is why he is alone in the classroom at the end, but I may change that,

I can see what you mean by the end could be stronger, there are kinda two themes I am running in the screenplay, one is that "was Joseph right to sacrifice one life" and the other is about "60 mins" throughout the screenplay everything happens in 60min, e.g the 3 girls have been waiting around for 60min, Ellen sees Mike in 60min periods, Mike and Billy have 60min in the abandoned classroom till their next class. I will prob make this clearerat the start by having a quote about what a human can achieve in 60min or something.

ANyway thanks heaps for the feedback!
 
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By set-up I meant it’s a little confusing how school girl Ellen almost steps through a door and into the world of something like a secret agent, yet is disclosing things to her friends.

I knew Billy and Mike was endearing Mike, it’s just so outside of everything else that by contrast its like it’s taking things sideways and almost harming his character more than helping it. I also think you can use it more effectively and overtly, like he is more traditionally heroic to Billy, like Billy could be his math tutor, like he could have a headache in it, he could black out in it.

On the girls, I mean they all sound like the same person, no distinguishing traits in their voices.

I like the music part, I think it works, but I also think you are working it to death in length. You could probably dissolve in it twice and show the passage of time they spend discussing music, then have them say the same other band at the same time that they both like, to drive home the bond. The times they are a ‘changin’ I would axe myself.

For the operating theater- I found it hard to understand what was going on at 1st glance, like the cell phone line, and the EKG machine, but on screen it would likely be a whole different story and easy to make sense of.

The hour thing is cool. The stronger ending I mean is it feels like we are waiting for a big payoff (especially when Ellen meets with the Andersons, that becomes like another peak we want resolve to) that just doesn’t come. The twist of the phone and note might be countered with another twist on the newspaper in a bi-line below the headline if you want to go typical with it. (Like we read the headline, then the camera tilts down and we see "Puzzling Cambridge math equation solved by anonymous source", or something.

-Thanks-
 
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