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Small Town Thriller Premise, Help?

S

stevencwood

I'm fascinated with small town, middle America. Always wondered what goes on in these places with 500 people, and only a few businesses. I'm also a sucker for a story where "someone comes into town, does something and inadvertently unearths a secret that will have dire ramifications for all those involved.


Lots of discussion going on here, and thanks for that. Here is the opening I've been working on. I'm open to any and all critique.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ZPdTTK-XNlTOPzgi7NKFoQPZUdOHUU1D
 
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A young reporter determined to find his missing sister is cast into the world of small town corruption as he tracks the underworld of the sex trade for answers.

Ehh. Well something like that.
 
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I wasn't angling to change the story just provide a logline... "reporter" is "insert here" profession or his name. But knowing Dale's name is not important.
 
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Some may say a bit early for a logline, but I say no, as in, they force you to distill your story down to a sentence which can help you if you are all over the place...
 
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Pretty substantial update. These 18 pages follow Dale into town and introduce the idea of the sheriff being suspicious of him. Dale also visits the witness who called the tip line regarding the missing girl.


I have a couple of concerns...The first being that I took until page 16 to reveal Dale is a PI. Besides that, does the intro seem at all plausible to anyone? The plane landing unexpectedly, the deal Freddy strikes with Meredith? Stuff like that. I THINK it works, but luckily these changes are minimal.


There are also a few grammatical errors I caught after converting to PDF. There's a "no" when it should be "know," and a couple other little things but nothing big enough to be too distracting.


It's moving along quite nicely, and I'm almost done with the first act.


https://drive.google.com/open?id=1gdv1EINx4P4fvozonWyaTSjIFd4_Nti9
 
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Initial thoughts. Really liked it.

A couple of questions.

Do we need to see the plane touch down? Do we need to see Meredith follow the plane to the pumps after she points that direction (I really don't know if it's self serve, prepay with cash, etc.)?

There is a lot of dialogue and action setting up the "deal" between Meredith and Freddy. I don't know how much a role that plays later but I almost wondered if it would be better to leave it unanswered.

Kind of a Freddy lands, needs fuel, meredith goes to help him. While doing so she hears tapping. She taps back, etc and moves to go look in a dark window. BAM! a hand slaps the window from inside, startled she falls, starts to get up. CLICK! a gun at her temple. Cut. Or Freddy says O.C. "Shhh. Don't say a word. You didn't see nothing so you don't say nothing." CUT.

Again, I obviously don't know how everything else unfolds but were the snippets of phone convo necessary or the multiple pages setting up the deal after Meredith sees what's in the plane necessary?

I am not saying they aren't. I just don't have a clear picture of what you'd lose from the story by cutting all that out (it may be a lot that's missing as Meredith is a big part or the deal is a big part that needs to be revealed now vs. later).

I'm excited to see how it turns out. You do have Dale mention he's a PI on 16 but not sure why he'd mention it before if he's intending to keep things close to the vest. That's what I thought reading seeing as he hides what he's doing from the motel clerk and waitress.
 
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UneducatedFan said:
Initial thoughts. Really liked it.

A couple of questions.

Do we need to see the plane touch down? Do we need to see Meredith follow the plane to the pumps after she points that direction (I really don't know if it's self serve, prepay with cash, etc.)?

There is a lot of dialogue and action setting up the "deal" between Meredith and Freddy. I don't know how much a role that plays later but I almost wondered if it would be better to leave it unanswered.

Kind of a Freddy lands, needs fuel, meredith goes to help him. While doing so she hears tapping. She taps back, etc and moves to go look in a dark window. BAM! a hand slaps the window from inside, startled she falls, starts to get up. CLICK! a gun at her temple. Cut. Or Freddy says O.C. "Shhh. Don't say a word. You didn't see nothing so you don't say nothing." CUT.

Again, I obviously don't know how everything else unfolds but were the snippets of phone convo necessary or the multiple pages setting up the deal after Meredith sees what's in the plane necessary?

I am not saying they aren't. I just don't have a clear picture of what you'd lose from the story by cutting all that out (it may be a lot that's missing as Meredith is a big part or the deal is a big part that needs to be revealed now vs. later).

I'm excited to see how it turns out. You do have Dale mention he's a PI on 16 but not sure why he'd mention it before if he's intending to keep things close to the vest. That's what I thought reading seeing as he hides what he's doing from the motel clerk and waitress.
Click to expand...

Thanks for checking it out.

Yea, I admit the intro is a bit long winded but then again it’s easier to cut than it is to add. I still need to introduce the dynamic between the sheriff and Dale. I was thinking that when Dale goes to the gas station, he’ll learn that avoiding the sheriff might be a good idea.

I’ve had problems finishing features in the past because I try to ONLY write plot driven scenes. In reality, there are scenes that are meant for character development. So for this project I’m going to write out whatever I’m thinking, even if that’s fleshing our stuff a little too much. I’ll cut shit at the end.

I’m still debating on whether or not Dale finds his sister.
 
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stevencwood said:
Thanks for checking it out.

Yea, I admit the intro is a bit long winded but then again it’s easier to cut than it is to add. I still need to introduce the dynamic between the sheriff and Dale. I was thinking that when Dale goes to the gas station, he’ll learn that avoiding the sheriff might be a good idea.

I’ve had problems finishing features in the past because I try to ONLY write plot driven scenes. In reality, there are scenes that are meant for character development. So for this project I’m going to write out whatever I’m thinking, even if that’s fleshing our stuff a little too much. I’ll cut shit at the end.

I’m still debating on whether or not Dale finds his sister.
Click to expand...

Only way to find out? Write or outline the rest of it. Heck maybe he does in the first draft and doesn't in the second.

Keep going and let us know how it progresses.
 
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UneducatedFan said:
Only way to find out? Write or outline the rest of it. Heck maybe he does in the first draft and doesn't in the second.

Keep going and let us know how it progresses.
Click to expand...

I have a real hard time writing an outline due to basically condensing everything into just a couple of pages. I'm more of the ilk that will list out plot points and fill out the "in-between" stuff as I go along, then maybe change things if I can come up with anything better.

As it is now, these are the KEY points I need to hit...

-Dale learns the tip from Susan was real. He'll see what Susan detailed in her flashback.

-Sheriff Stearns involvement with Meredith is realized.

-Deputy Cochran and Dale work together in both the missing girl investigation and later to take down Stearns. Cochran will learn of Stearns' involvement and not be too happy about it. Trying to determine how this happens.

-The ending with Dale's sister is still something I'm trying to figure out. I don't want him to find her alive, I know that much.
 
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stevencwood said:
I have a real hard time writing an outline due to basically condensing everything into just a couple of pages. I'm more of the ilk that will list out plot points and fill out the "in-between" stuff as I go along, then maybe change things if I can come up with anything better.

As it is now, these are the KEY points I need to hit...

-Dale learns the tip from Susan was real. He'll see what Susan detailed in her flashback.

-Sheriff Stearns involvement with Meredith is realized.

-Deputy Cochran and Dale work together in both the missing girl investigation and later to take down Stearns. Cochran will learn of Stearns' involvement and not be too happy about it. Trying to determine how this happens.

-The ending with Dale's sister is still something I'm trying to figure out. I don't want him to find her alive, I know that much.
Click to expand...

IMHO to avoid the "3 Billboards" comparison, he finds her. Something along the lines of the Se7en ending (maybe not that emotionally charged) but they find a body, the LEO tries to put Dale's mind at ease that it might not be her, etc. Dale silently pulls out a photo of her and hands it to the LEO and walks away. Something on the body or with it matches something in the photo.

Again, just spitballin'.
 
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UneducatedFan said:
IMHO to avoid the "3 Billboards" comparison, he finds her. Something along the lines of the Se7en ending (maybe not that emotionally charged) but they find a body, the LEO tries to put Dale's mind at ease that it might not be her, etc. Dale silently pulls out a photo of her and hands it to the LEO and walks away. Something on the body or with it matches something in the photo.

Again, just spitballin'.
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Yea I get what you're saying. I've said from the beginning I don't want Dale to find her ALIVE anyway.

Three Billboards had too many characters, which is another thing I'm trying to avoid. Have you seen Sweet Virginia? That was a great small town thriller.
 
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