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Small Town Thriller Premise, Help?

S

stevencwood

I'm fascinated with small town, middle America. Always wondered what goes on in these places with 500 people, and only a few businesses. I'm also a sucker for a story where "someone comes into town, does something and inadvertently unearths a secret that will have dire ramifications for all those involved.


Lots of discussion going on here, and thanks for that. Here is the opening I've been working on. I'm open to any and all critique.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1ZPdTTK-XNlTOPzgi7NKFoQPZUdOHUU1D
 
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joey1320 said:
This sounds like a Jack Reacher story.

I'm a sucker for the loner, play by the rules/honesty badass that is placed in a situation he doesn't even want to be but comes out the other side taking matters into his own hands.

I would love it if Dale was driving at duck/night and he sees the young kidnapped girl - was it really a young girl? - as she rushes across the street into the woods. Was she only wearing her underwear??

He doesn't really know wtf that was about and he looks to where she ran into the woods and then he crashes into the LEO who was running after her, his pants halfway down his legs.

Now Dale, a - pick your character traits (badass ex-military, ex-LEO, reporter, etc) is forced into figuring out wtf is going in this small town.



I actually scripted a whole movie in my head on the way to/from North Carolina three years ago that deals with a loner type of guy having to face off against a French psychopath/drug kingpin nicknamed "Le Boucher" in the slums off of Paris. He mistakenly falls for a female who Le Boucher was "saving for himself" and now he's entangled in this big mess. I need time to write it down.
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Oh hell. Now I'm hoping he makes it like First Blood with a John Rambo like character and a corrupt police force. Maybe less on the "blow up the town" approach...then again, maybe not.
 
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joey1320 said:
This sounds like a Jack Reacher story.

I'm a sucker for the loner, play by the rules/honesty badass that is placed in a situation he doesn't even want to be but comes out the other side taking matters into his own hands.

I would love it if Dale was driving at duck/night and he sees the young kidnapped girl - was it really a young girl? - as she rushes across the street into the woods. Was she only wearing her underwear??

He doesn't really know wtf that was about and he looks to where she ran into the woods and then he crashes into the LEO who was running after her, his pants halfway down his legs.

Now Dale, a - pick your character traits (badass ex-military, ex-LEO, reporter, etc) is forced into figuring out wtf is going in this small town.



I actually scripted a whole movie in my head on the way to/from North Carolina three years ago that deals with a loner type of guy having to face off against a French psychopath/drug kingpin nicknamed "Le Boucher" in the slums off of Paris. He mistakenly falls for a female who Le Boucher was "saving for himself" and now he's entangled in this big mess. I need time to write it down.
Click to expand...

UneducatedFan said:
Oh hell. Now I'm hoping he makes it like First Blood with a John Rambo like character and a corrupt police force. Maybe less on the "blow up the town" approach...then again, maybe not.
Click to expand...

I'm a sucker for the same types of movies. But I'm more attracted to the stories where the lead is the "seemingly incapable hero," as in the recent Sweet Virginia. Another small town thriller but told from the perspective of a long time resident, dealing with an unknown person entering the town.

I'm doing some of the dirty work right now on my story, and by that I mean character details and actual plot. Right now it's just a concept. I really want Dale to have some sort of ties with the smuggling happening in Harper, but not sure what. Maybe his little sister disappeared some years back, never found, etc. But that would make him a little too close to what's going on, and talk about a coincidence since he just ran down someone involved with trafficking young girls. But then again, that is a pretty logical plot.

Or, Dale stumbled upon all this and breaks the news to the Sheriff. He found evidence of something strange in the cruiser he smashed into. If that's the case, I can keep my intro.

I've decided the local airport where these traffickers refuel will be owned/operated by the sheriff's SISTER, which should prove interesting as she's well aware of what she's doing. I'm thinking she'll be paid off from these people in exchange for her supposed ignorance to what's really going on.

The final real issue is the perspective of the story. Dale is an outsider with no knowledge of anything, and him investigating what he finds in the patrol car makes no sense...unless he's already brought this to the sheriff, and the sheriff dismisses it. From that point Dale would make it his business to find out what's going on. Ultimately he would break the news to the sheriff that his own sister is responsible for letting the traffickers in and out of Harper.

Like I said, still considering different ideas, but the overall concept is there.
 
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He could investigate it on his own because there is a pending corruption case against the sheriff, but he is still in office because he claims innocence. So this whiff of corruption has him hesitant to involve the law. Since this is the town where he suspects his sister is, he would have knowledge of the corruption case, and perhaps you can introduce this by just showing a newspaper on the passenger seat of his car with a headline before the crash.
 
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indietalk said:
He could investigate it on his own because there is a pending corruption case against the sheriff, but he is still in office because he claims innocence. So this whiff of corruption has him hesitant to involve the law. Since this is the town where he suspects his sister is, he would have knowledge of the corruption case, and perhaps you can introduce this by just showing a newspaper on the passenger seat of his car with a headline before the crash.
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Ahh ok. So with this angle, Dale willingly enters the town in search for his sister. He’s heard of the traffickers using Harper as a refueling spot and wants to check it out. But sadly for him, the only law in the area is under investigation by a higher authority. Dale doesn’t want to involve other law enforcement because nothing has ever come out of official investigations.

When Dale does arrive, he is immediately disliked because for one he’s an out of towner, and two he’s asking about the sheriff who is loved by the community...since sheriffs are elected.

This would tie into the sheriffs sister running the airport. She’s been able to do so for as long as she has been due to her brother being the sheriff and “looking the other way.”

Thanks for that. I think that’s what I needed to actually write a little more. Now that does mean my intro needs to be scrapped. But oh well.
 
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Now to crack the egg on how Dale is led to that town...A cell call from her hit on a cell tower in that area? She last was travelling from one town to the other and Harper is the only town between the two and she never arrived at the other? A suitcase with her clothes in it showed up in a hangar in some small airport where the only planes that occupy that hangar or last used that hangar was from Harper?
 
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UneducatedFan said:
Now to crack the egg on how Dale is led to that town...A cell call from her hit on a cell tower in that area? She last was travelling from one town to the other and Harper is the only town between the two and she never arrived at the other? A suitcase with her clothes in it showed up in a hangar in some small airport where the only planes that occupy that hangar or last used that hangar was from Harper?
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That's the thing. The only plausible way for Dale to get there is if his little sister used to live there. I'm not sure. Or simply someone supposedly saw her there, and Dale is so desperate that he's following even the smallest of leads. Maybe he's done this before and followed through with unreliable witnesses...would be a simple explanation and a believable one.

By the way, I'm really trying to end this story with Dale NOT finding her...at least not alive. I'm not a fan of those stories that start off with a coincidence that ultimately lead to the main character achieving their goal.
 
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I say, make Dale a longtime drifter. It's been years since he contacted home. He's in a shelter or somewhere and sees a BB with a missing flyer of his sister. He calls home, is informed she's been missing for 9 months or something like that. Maybe she ran away and went looking for him. That the police want to talk to him (oh shit, he's a suspect?). They found something of hers with a tie to Harper so he sets off to see what he can find out.
 
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UneducatedFan said:
I say, make Dale a longtime drifter. It's been years since he contacted home. He's in a shelter or somewhere and sees a BB with a missing flyer of his sister. He calls home, is informed she's been missing for 9 months or something like that. Maybe she ran away and went looking for him. That the police want to talk to him (oh shit, he's a suspect?). They found something of hers with a tie to Harper so he sets off to see what he can find out.
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Alternate take on what you suggested...

Dale hasn't been home in say a decade, and is unfamiliar with the current sheriff. He gets a phone call from his parents saying that his teenage sister has gone missing like a month ago. Dale is upset that his parents didn't call him right when things happened.

Dales enters town, some know him, so the sheriff takes an interest on two levels - an old resident of the town that doesn't have the best reputation, and the brother of the missing girl.

I kind of feel like this is stepping into Three Billboards territory.
 
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stevencwood said:
Alternate take on what you suggested...

Dale hasn't been home in say a decade, and is unfamiliar with the current sheriff. He gets a phone call from his parents saying that his teenage sister has gone missing like a month ago. Dale is upset that his parents didn't call him right when things happened.

Dales enters town, some know him, so the sheriff takes an interest on two levels - an old resident of the town that doesn't have the best reputation, and the brother of the missing girl.

I kind of feel like this is stepping into Three Billboards territory.
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:thumbsup:

I think it still could work.
 
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joey1320 said:
Maybe Dale's sister wasn't living in town but possibly visiting someone there, and that's when she went missing?
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True, but I've settled on Dale tracking down leads. He'll be running a sort of "command center" out of his motel room. You know, tacking up a big map of the US with the typical drawn out notes and circled cities. That way the message is conveyed that he's been at this for a while.

It would make sense too, since trafficking involves moving someone from place to place, these sightings could be legitimate. An obvious path is what led him to Harper.
 
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stevencwood said:
True, but I've settled on Dale tracking down leads. He'll be running a sort of "command center" out of his motel room. You know, tacking up a big map of the US with the typical drawn out notes and circled cities. That way the message is conveyed that he's been at this for a while.

It would make sense too, since trafficking involves moving someone from place to place, these sightings could be legitimate. An obvious path is what led him to Harper.
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And of course throw in a prostitute who hangs out in front of the Hotel who he doesn't pay for her "services" but she has the hook up/low down on the town, the cops (whom she knows both as an inmate and as a client). Isn't there a movie/tv show where that's the case? If not, there is now.
 
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UneducatedFan said:
And of course throw in a prostitute who hangs out in front of the Hotel who he doesn't pay for her "services" but she has the hook up/low down on the town, the cops (whom she knows both as an inmate and as a client). Isn't there a movie/tv show where that's the case? If not, there is now.
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Ah, the ol' "hooker who feeds info to the cops to avoid being arrested" thing. Haha. I know what you mean. I have to also consider how to introduce the antagonist. The traffickers won't be shown, just the pilot who lands in Harper with new girls from time to time.

So I think the actual story here is how Dale will blow the secret of the town wide open.
 
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indietalk said:
I hope this news story ends well, but I thought you may like to read...

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/...-ranch-montgomery-texas-mystery-a8510941.html
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Wow, that's fucking nuts. By the way, here's a logline...which I'm not very good at. I'm also a few pages into the story.

After pursuing multiple leads regarding his missing sister, Dale finds himself in Harper, Kansas. Run by a sheriff accused of corruption, he is certain answers lie in this small town.
 
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You don't need the last line after the comma because that is redundant and obvious. Also the word "regarding" does not sound great in a logline. Hope that helps. ;)
 
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