My YA Wizard Story

I'm writing a TV show as 8x One-hour episodes totaling 400 pages. Afterward I will then convert into a novel.

3rd draft: Now rejects call on page 12 and crosses the threshold at page 25 if anyone is curious and wants to give it a read/critique.
Edit: Removed as 4th draft is in the works


My estimations are 2-3 months per episode so it will take over a year for me to finish, unless I really speed up with experience.
I'd say the biggest differences between this and harry potter are that it mostly takes place in the human world (not a hidden magic world) and that the wizards are a lot more pragmatic and dangerous, they embrace and use technology. Ain't no spell that matches the destructive force of 10,000 nuclear warheads am i right?
 
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I like it. Can you find a way to tease the wizard aspect in the first 5 pages? You don't have to explain it - just something weird to grab people's attention?

Other than that -

On page 3, at the bottom, where does Alex walk? I'm confused - "interestate"?

On the bottom of page 5, it's an awfully fast transition to Alex being asleep on the cot. Maybe make that a separate scene? Or just skip it?

I think you can do a bit more with Rhonda's reaction to the lightning strike.

Small formatting point: avoid having a character name for dialogue as the last line of the page, without dialogue. There may be a setting (Celtx?) to avoid what's called "widows and orphans."
 
I like it. Can you find a way to tease the wizard aspect in the first 5 pages? You don't have to explain it - just something weird to grab people's attention?

Other than that -

On page 3, at the bottom, where does Alex walk? I'm confused - "interestate"?

On the bottom of page 5, it's an awfully fast transition to Alex being asleep on the cot. Maybe make that a separate scene? Or just skip it?

I think you can do a bit more with Rhonda's reaction to the lightning strike.

Small formatting point: avoid having a character name for dialogue as the last line of the page, without dialogue. There may be a setting (Celtx?) to avoid what's called "widows and orphans."

Yeah I could add a short 1-2 page prologue with an older wizard at the beginning

That was supposed to be interstate (like a highway) - oops 😄 typo.
Rhonda's reaction was supposed to be a comedy bit, like a little more milk makes everything okay. It just came off as underplayed instead?

I'm writing in StudioBinder, I'll poke around to see if there is any orphan option.

As far as bottom of page 5, I feel like that is the weakest scene in the entire 58 pages so I wasn't trying to drag it out any longer, I guess thats why it seems so abrupt. Just them playing videos games sounds like horrible dead screen time to me and I wasn't sure how else to transition to the sleeping.

Thanks for the feedback.
 
Rhonda's reaction was supposed to be a comedy bit, like a little more milk makes everything okay. It just came off as underplayed instead?
Yes, a bit underplayed. I like the lightning strike in principle but maybe she can be horrified, then offer a bit more milk as that fixes everything.
I like it, I just think you can do more with it.
 
I updated the OP with your feedback, added a short segment with a horrified look on Rhonda's face.
I'm glad you liked it cause i really worked hard trying to make an ordinary 14 year olds life interesting enough for adults to indulge.

Been telling myself that it will get easier to be interesting once they have magic powers, but damn its still hard lol.
I really don't like teen CW shows, I feel like entire episodes go by where nothing happens and it bores me to tears.

Additional note:
I came up with a cool spell idea yesterday, idk if/how I'll implement it, but the idea is like a crystal ball updated for the modern era.
You can use a television to view anyone, anywhere in the world in real time. like an invisible drone that can move through walls.
Remote viewing with... an enchanted tv remote.

On the bottom of page 5, it's an awfully fast transition to Alex being asleep on the cot. Maybe make that a separate scene? Or just skip it?

Ah I think I wasn't clear on the point of that scene if you're recommending to possibly skip it.
Here is a new update, to make it less of a fast transition and a more clear consequence.

Code:
EXT. JAMIE'S HOUSE
Timelapse of a thunderstorm covering the night sky.
INT. JAMIE’S BEDROOM
Alex sleeps on a cot next to the open window.
Thunder rolls -- rain spatters on the back of Alex's hand.
The sheets soak with urine at Alex's crotch.

Alex isn't normally a bed wetter, it's a terrible bad luck situation of getting water on his hand.
Just like if someone pranks you by dipping your hand in a bowl of water, anyone will wet the bed if their hands get wet while they're sleeping.

Updated that section to make it clearer.
 
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Struggling with an issue for about 24 hours, and then I had a realization....
I can have AI virtual assistant in my story WITHOUT it being science fiction. Fucking hell, what a time lol.

So now my wizard school features an AI Virtual Assitant to quickly accomplish any technological task.
Before this YA story the longest thing I ever wrote was 40 pages so this is me everytime I sit down to write now.

 
I like the idea of starting it off from a grounded and domestic place. It's good structurally from the perspective of ramping up later. I did get impatient about 10 pages in kind of waiting to see this turn into something wizard related, but how can I say this, the more clearly you establish sea level, the more it means later on when you hit the stratosphere.

I found the video game scene believable. The white trash stepdad seemed a bit cliche, but for stories like this, I think it's fine, par really.

You might try watching the opening of "The Dark Tower" and contrast it with the staging of the Harry Potter openings, to have a case study on how to do this kind of opening wrong, and right, respectively. Both films have what on paper seems like a nearly identical opening setup, but the Potter films simply handle it vastly better.

I don't have enough to go on to make a blanket statement about whether or not I like it. It's well done so far, but obviously the world building part of setting up a magic universe is the most interesting parts of these type of stories, and we didn't really get to that aspect yet in these pages.
 
I added the opening prologue scene with magic, a page and a half so there is some wizard shit at the beginning of the story.
I think Ewan McGregor would be a good fit for Edred the Wizard.

I like the idea of starting it off from a grounded and domestic place. It's good structurally from the perspective of ramping up later. I did get impatient about 10 pages in kind of waiting to see this turn into something wizard related, but how can I say this, the more clearly you establish sea level, the more it means later on when you hit the stratosphere.

I found the video game scene believable. The white trash stepdad seemed a bit cliche, but for stories like this, I think it's fine, par really.

You might try watching the opening of "The Dark Tower" and contrast it with the staging of the Harry Potter openings, to have a case study on how to do this kind of opening wrong, and right, respectively. Both films have what on paper seems like a nearly identical opening setup, but the Potter films simply handle it vastly better.

I don't have enough to go on to make a blanket statement about whether or not I like it. It's well done so far, but obviously the world building part of setting up a magic universe is the most interesting parts of these type of stories, and we didn't really get to that aspect yet in these pages.

Yeah that does sound a bit trying on the patience, to open a wizard story and then have no magic.
I didn't want to post too many pages and ask too much of people, but I see what you're saying, so it's 36 pages now. (updated via google drive in the original link)

Now it reaches "Crossing the Threshold" in the heroes journey, so its apparent now how I've structured the opening of my story, and you can get some explanation of how magic wands work. obviously if a regular here on the forum wants to read the whole episode I'll send that over.

I'll have to check out the dark tower opening to refresh my memory.
And yeah the whole bad stepdad thing is pretty cliche, I was aiming for an asshole EX-bf that is weasling his way back into their life by taking advatange of their financial situation. I was pretty happy with how he gets the mom to slap Alex, instead of doing it himself, i thought it made a fresh take on the cliche.

Part of the reason I had to develop the ordinary world so much is because my hero doesn't just skip town and go to hogwarts, they stay in their ordinary world after the get their magic wand. So I need a richer ordinary world to play in.
 
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Excellent!

He pulls the wand from it's vase -- four tiny purple fruits
had grown along it’s shaft

"it's" should be "its". :)

I know nothing about editing scripts, but here're my thoughts. Your first paragraph caught my attention, because it described the surroundings. I also wonder if you should do that more often, when there's a scene change. By the way, I have been thinking of whether there's room for a series based on the Canadian stereotypes of everyone being pleasant, which is our national identity.
 
Excellent!



"it's" should be "its". :)

I know nothing about editing scripts, but here're my thoughts. Your first paragraph caught my attention, because it described the surroundings. I also wonder if you should do that more often, when there's a scene change. By the way, I have been thinking of whether there's room for a series based on the Canadian stereotypes of everyone being pleasant, which is our national identity.

Thanks for the 'excellent' remark and punctuation tip.
And yeah i think you're right, I should describe the scenery more often.

I've been basically stuck in the same spot for 11 months, which is that my kid wants to be a wizard and apparently thats a huge problem.
I just don't know how to make it believable that he is going to reject the call to action and say he doesn't want to be a wizard

doesn't every kid in the world want a magic wand?
I could say fuck it and just try to write what i think is fun and keeps turning the pages but then I'm just a dumb amateur, this whole process sucks.

I don't like the heroes journey, i feel impotent and frustrated
 
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I just don't know how to make it believable that he is going to reject the call to action and say he doesn't want to be a wizard
Still up to my ears in my own projects so I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing yet. But a few thoughts:
1. He has a fear of failure and worries that he's just not good enough (at whatever) to be a wizard.
2. Something happens related to his family that makes it tough to make that "commitment" - 'cause if he does it, he's gotta be all in. That may require tweaking his family a bit, but maybe there's someone who depends on him (younger sibling?) and he doesn't think he can do both.

Of course, either would then have to be resolved :)
 
Still up to my ears in my own projects so I haven't had a chance to read the whole thing yet. But a few thoughts:
1. He has a fear of failure and worries that he's just not good enough (at whatever) to be a wizard.
2. Something happens related to his family that makes it tough to make that "commitment" - 'cause if he does it, he's gotta be all in. That may require tweaking his family a bit, but maybe there's someone who depends on him (younger sibling?) and he doesn't think he can do both.

Of course, either would then have to be resolved :)

I sorta touch on #2 - Alex is like a dad to his little sister, very protective.
alex begins having visions directing him toward his wand, suddenly he never gets tired or needs to sleep, but he ignores the visions to try to take care of his family instead.

Eventually the wizard shows up to his house, tells Alex he's a wizard and he's missing magic school by staying at home
Alex thinks it's gonna be like harry potter - some boarding school where he has to move away and live there and abandon his family and says NO
but the wizard immediately replies that Alex doesn't have to abandon his family and Alex is enthusiastic and says yes.

It's only 2-3 lines of dialogue, it's not really a process but maybe there's something to build on there.
 
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The refusal gets a little funky here, because Harry himself doesn't actually refuse it. In fact, he's pretty much kicking the door down to get on the road to adventure.

I see stuff like this and I'm like, why the fuck have I been wasting 11 months on the same god damn road block?
Like why is it okay for harry potter to jump into hagrids arms at the first chance of being a wizard but it's so incredibly wrong for my character

That Doesnt Seem Fair Doctor Strange GIF by Disney+


especially when my whole damn story is the antithesis of harry potter, i mean is that the POINT ??
I took 4 months off on other projects, but yeah been smashing my head against a wall for seven fucking months getting nothing done because of this
 
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I see stuff like this and I'm like, why the fuck have I been wasting 11 months on the same god damn road block?

I've wasted over 11 years on my blocks of various kinds, as regulars here will know. I sympathize with you, but I have no recommendations to give.
 
Mara was generous enough to make time for me this past tuesday, during a very busy week for her.
We worked through some ideas and with her help I was able to come up with something that satisfies the whole call to action/rejection dilemma, fitting exactly into pages 12-25 like it's supossed to.

Edred and Alex have their first conversation on page 12 now! And Alex crosses the threshold on pg 25 (instead of pg 36!)
As you can imagine cutting out 1/3 of the first 36 pages did a lot for the pacing of the story, as did being more direct with Edred early on.

So for anyone reading this and wondering, yeah you really do need to have your hero go through these motions of the heroes journey.
Should be obvious though, and of course i knew that all along or i wouldn't have dug my heels in at this point for so many months trying to come up with something to satisfy the requirement. It's good how dramatically improved the 3rd draft is.

Thanks Mara you are awesome! Not just for making time but also for getting me past this mental block WITHOUT compromising on the fundamental aspects of my story.
A testiment to Mara's value as a screenplay consultant, I was stuck for almost a year and she helped me past it in one night.

Anyone have thoughts as to how a TV fits into the heroes journey?
For example something like The Boys. does each season cycle through the heroes journey, how does that work
 
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