I'm tired, depressed, and about to lose hope.

[firefox]

Short Film (Why is my story weak? )

IMPORTANT UPDATE:
The story has been modified and you can find it on page 3 or by clicking this link
http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?p=160107


I don't know why every time I come up with an idea, it sounds boring to whoever I send it. I don't know why I can't seem to write the story clearly on papers as it is clear on my mind. I never took a screenwriting class, nor am I doing this for a living. This is a hobby (Making short films), but I love it so much.

Let me tell you guys what I have in mind, hopefully someone here will help me succeed. This is for a short film 3 minutes long.

This is my theme: I'm trying to show how some people waste their time playing video games by going over the limit. The issue here is addiction and poor time management.

- Who is the main character ?
Safaa - Male

- What is this story about ?
This story is about an addictive guy who loves playing video games 24 hours a day. He becomes connected to his favorite game 'Fight Night Round 3' that one day sees himself fighting with his best friend on a boxing ring 'Dreaming' . When he wakes up, he sees blood on his face realizing everything that happened was a dream and that the blood was a result of him punching himself unconsciously.


I added twists to the story 'A dream inside a dream', but I didn't write everything here. This is more like the summary of ACT 1 and 3. I didn't mention anything about ACT 2. I want to make sure the story/idea is good first.

What can I do to make the ending better or the story as a whole?

Thanks!

 

[Zensteve]

This is for a short film 3 minutes long.

This is my theme: (...) poor time management.

Ironically, that's your problem.

Why must your film be 3 minutes long? Are you trying to tell a 8 minute story?

A story is as long as a story is.

 

[firefox]

I can do it in 2 minutes, but 3-5 won't hurt.

The time is not a problem with me, the story and concept is

No need to apologize and yes I wanted it to be about 3 minutes before. I don't mind if it goes more than that now, as long as its interesting!

 

[Zensteve]

Some friends might say 'Who cares if people waste their time playing video games', find a better story.

What can I do about that ?

Why so worried about what your friends might say about an unfinished script? Are you writing this for them?

If your story has strong enough legs it will stand by itself. It doesn't matter what your friends think of the concept. There's an audience for it somewhere. I don't like films about boxing. Rocky still won several Oscars, in spite of me.

Heck, you'd be preaching to the converted if the EQ Widows organisation heard about your film, and liked it enough to forward to all their members. That's just one of many groups that helps people with gaming addiction issues.

You gonna make your movie, or let your friends decide your future for you?

 

[NickClapper]

A lot of films focus on the minutiae of the human experience.

Especially with a short film you can use a seemingly very small sweep of subject matter to tell either a much larger story, or just to make a small point. Why does someone waste time playing video games could be a questioning of modern consumerism, but it could also be a tale of someone who gets completely caught up in video games (like me and the new Assassins Creed after Christmas ).

I wouldn't worry about this, just go out and film as much footage as you couLd possibly need and then work out in post how much you need and how long it's going to be. Don't feel like just because it's a small story it needs to be told quickly.

 

[Tinalera]

I had (and have) the opposite problem-trying to tell 5 min stories in 15 lol.

What I found is, for either way-shoot what you think the film will be, don't worry about time. What you'll find as you shoot and get the stuff edited, how much you really do need. Once you figure out the timing you'll find yourself saying "that takes too long" "that isn't needed" ect.

And Zensteve is right-who cares what your friends think-you're writing this, not them!

I wrote and filmed a short about a masked woman who didn't speak and painted a mask. Sounds boring in concept-and I wondered it myself-but the reactions I got from the people here on the boards, there were a lot of different reactions-but none were bored lol.

Do it for the process, and do what you know/love. The rest will come

 

[firefox]

You know they say, It's not the joke that makes us laugh, its the way we say it. In my case, it's the way I wrote the story. To be clear, I don't like boxing myself.

First let's talk about this from a logical/philosophical point of view. What happens when we do something for so long? you become what? ---- connected to it right ? As long as you go to sleep, there is a big chance you might dream about it. Its just normal, it happens to everyone!

This dude is playing video games for so freaking long time. In my ACT 1, he will hit something with his hand accidentally, making a small object to fall to his head ------- so what will happen to him ? the guy will go unconscious. Now he will dream about the game, but this time --- he is the player. I want to make him dress up exactly like those players from the game.

Why did I chose a boxing game ?
First, I have the game in my house. Second, I have access to a boxing ring. third, I can choose another game like call of duty, but I don't want to worry about doing gun effects and other stuff.

Now my question is, how do you guys see the story?

Guy wakes up around 2 a clock at night. Starts playing the game, he hits something with his hand ---- an object will fall to his head. The guy starts dreaming ....! (ACT 2 ) I will create the conflict between him and his friend in any way. When i do that, they will see themselves in a boxing ring- dressed up like those players from the game. The guy (main character) gets knocked down, so he wakes shocked from his dream. Guess what ? the whole entire time - the dude was dreaming even before the object fell to his head. I repeat, it was a dream the whole entire time. Do you remember when the guy woke up the first time and started playing the game? This time after he woke up from his actual dream, he's going to turn off the game and go back to sleep.

What do we conclude ?
He saw a dream inside a dream?

what do we get from this ?
the guy had a choice to either to go back to sleep or continue playing at night and bother his family. When he chose to continue the game and cared less about his family, he had this horrible experience. The second time, that's when he made the right decision and turned off the game.


what I think about my story?
I think its not that bad, I just need to work on the ending and ACT 2.

Here is how I would like to make the actors fighting scene look like on the boxing ring. If I can achieve at least 70% I will be happy. I'm talking about camera work, fans,coaches, lights and other good stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNvgrCN-YmM

Now what didn't you guys understand? I will be more than happy to further explain.

Suggestions are appreciated !

.

 

[polfilmblog]

"This is my theme: I'm trying to show how some people waste their time playing video games by going over the limit. The issue here is addiction and poor time management."​

I look at this pitch and I think utterly banal, boring story set in someone's apartment with lots of sitting there playing a fucking video game.

I immediately think, well how would I flip this script?

Complete fantasy. Alien invasion outside, hallucinations, a hot babe with a sledgehammer (the girlfriend) smashing the XBox to pieces at the end. Something bigger than life, stylized, music, midgets, something. Perhaps he's a bit of a complete video game zombie, something like a statue the whole time, while the whole world is exploding around him.

Good luck. Don't bore the audience.

 

[NickClapper]

Complete fantasy. Alien invasion outside, hallucinations, a hot babe with a sledgehammer (the girlfriend) smashing the XBox to pieces at the end. Something bigger than life, stylized, music, midgets, something. Perhaps he's a bit of a complete video game zombie, something like a statue the whole time, while the whole world is exploding around him.

Good luck. Don't bore the audience.

That's your preference in terms of content, but it's not everyone's (it's not mine).

Reservoir Dogs is Reservoir Dogs because you don't see the heist. Psycho is Psycho because you only see the shadow. The Red Balloon is The Red Balloon because it's only a balloon. Restraint is part and parcel of story telling. A story about a guy playing a video game can be interesting (look up the video game sequence from Eagle vs. Shark).

I just wouldn't agree that you need to flip this premise and make it a big show, that works for some films (I loved Scott Pilgrim) but that's a long way from what you should be thinking about at this early point in coming up with the story. That might eventually be your style, but at the moment I would work from instinct and what feels right. If you film it and post it here, I promise I'll tell you honestly whether it's boring. But that's a risk that all good filmmakers run, where to show their hand and where to play their cards close to their chest.

But this is just my interpretation of movie making

 

[Tinalera]

That's your preference in terms of content, but it's not everyone's (it's not mine).

Reservoir Dogs is Reservoir Dogs because you don't see the heist. Psycho is Psycho because you only see the shadow. The Red Balloon is The Red Balloon because it's only a balloon. Restraint is part and parcel of story telling. A story about a guy playing a video game can be interesting (look up the video game sequence from Eagle vs. Shark).

I just wouldn't agree that you need to flip this premise and make it a big show, that works for some films (I loved Scott Pilgrim) but that's a long way from what you should be thinking about at this early point in coming up with the story. That might eventually be your style, but at the moment I would work from instinct and what feels right. If you film it and post it here, I promise I'll tell you honestly whether it's boring. But that's a risk that all good filmmakers run, where to show their hand and where to play their cards close to their chest.

But this is just my interpretation of movie making

The video game scenario has interesting possiblities: Is he playing the game, or being played himself? (Am I dreaming of the King, or is he dreaming about me dreaming about him-Alice through the looking glass reference-NOT the new Disney film, Carroll's original book )Maybe it's real, maybe it's fantasy, maybe something else altogether-some interesting possiblities

And I agree Nick, sometimes it's, as you say, not seeing the "whole" which adds to the story. (For inspiration, watch the Old Rod Serling Twilight Zone episodes- EXACTLY what Nick is talking about )

 

[directorik]

Now what didn't you guys understand? I will be more than happy to further explain.

In my opinion, this is your problem. You need to explain
way too much.

If your idea sounds boring to whoever I send it and you
need to explain it, then maybe it's boring. don't lose hope;
keep coming up with ideas until you find that one that
isn't boring.

Or...

Write this one, shoot it and it might turn out to be much
better than your friends expected. What have you got to
lose?

 

[polfilmblog]

"A story about a guy playing a video game can be interesting "​

Says you.

To me, there's a 90% plus chance of pure garbage. A whole generation of idiot loser uneducated douche bag morons sitting on their couches clicking at pixels is not something I want to subject myself to, in any capacity, unless it really fucking does something special. Out of the ordinary. If it is played straight, there's no way you could pay me to watch it.

So film away. I am not obligated to endure what you capture.

My suggestion was that there are many ways of looking at the scenario, and to fall behind the first one is just plain uncreative.

God, I hate fucking video games. Has that come through? The country's on a downward spiral to Idiocracy, and video games are leading the charge, Pied Piper style.

 

[Cracker Funk]

"A story about a guy playing a video game can be interesting "​

Says you.

To me, there's a 90% plus chance of pure garbage. A whole generation of idiot loser uneducated douche bag morons sitting on their couches clicking at pixels is not something I want to subject myself to, in any capacity, unless it really fucking does something special. Out of the ordinary. If it is played straight, there's no way you could pay me to watch it.

So film away. I am not obligated to endure what you capture.

My suggestion was that there are many ways of looking at the scenario, and to fall behind the first one is just plain uncreative.

God, I hate fucking video games. Has that come through? The country's on a downward spiral to Idiocracy, and video games are leading the charge, Pied Piper style.

People who play video games score considerably higher on IQ tests, on average, than those who don't. Do you watch TV? I'd argue that playing a video game is a much more healthy pass-time.

 

[Zensteve]

"A story about a guy playing a video game can be interesting "​

Says you.

To me, there's a 90% plus chance of pure garbage. A whole generation of idiot loser uneducated douche bag morons sitting on their couches clicking at pixels is not something I want to subject myself to, in any capacity, unless it really fucking does something special. Out of the ordinary. If it is played straight, there's no way you could pay me to watch it.

So film away. I am not obligated to endure what you capture.

My suggestion was that there are many ways of looking at the scenario, and to fall behind the first one is just plain uncreative.

God, I hate fucking video games. Has that come through? The country's on a downward spiral to Idiocracy, and video games are leading the charge, Pied Piper style.

Dude... you need to relax a little.

 

[Cracker Funk]

firefox, I think your main problem is that you don't have any conflict in this story. There's no major dilemma that needs to be solved. And in a short-short film like this, the dilemma needs to surface quickly, like within the first 30-seconds, or less.

P.S. Fight Night 3 is fucking AWESOME!

 

[apophispro]

The reason you're having so many problems with this story is because nothing happens. First of all, there's no such thing as 3 minute short film in 3 Acts. You have to have scenes and sequences before you have acts. An act climax requires many scenes (typically) to build it up. An object falling on someone's head is not an act climax. The way you described it's just a coincidence. If your story is about a person dreaming then it could also be your inciting incident, but it's not likely to be because it doesn't actually create any gaps or desires in the life of the character. This brings me to the further problem. Your character doesn't want anything. Nothing changes in his life over the course of the story. Even if you have him punch himself in the face a few times while he's dreaming, all that really says is he's a vivid dreamer. It doesn't change his life in some way. He didn't have a prom to go to that he needed to look perfect for. He's not a model who's waking up to discover his career ruined by his actions while sleeping. The wounds will heal, and his life won't change at all. At most he might think that he's been playing video games a little too much, but that's hardly a revelation. The audience won't care because the character doesn't really care either. He hasn't been set up to have any desire or part of his life relying on video games so the impact of a decision concerning them is nil. If you haven't studied screenwriting at all yet want to make writing and directing movies a large part of your life, clearly it's time to start doing some studying. As much as posting on forums and getting the feedback of others can help you, you need to learn some serious story theory and study the way stories are told to progress in the art form. Hope this helps.

 

[David.rhsc]

The issue here is that you are trying to storyboard (I want to shoot the fight scene like this) before you have written the story.

There are TONS of places the basic premise of "young man plays too many video games" can go, with or without whatever sort of moral stance you take on video games. Start there. Let it unfold. Forget time limits, shots, acts (short films generally don't conform to act structure anyway) and all that nonsense. Tell the story, the rest will follow.

Explaining a story will always be less effective than just telling it. Instead of explaining to your friends what you think the story will be, write it and let them read it.

And yeah - polfilm you need to chiil buddy. Video games have been proven to increase problem solving and hand eye coordination skills, and that was LONG LONG ago. Modern games are just ridiculous. How do you think the Air Force's Predator drones are controlled? Video games. Do you think remote surgery (doctor -- internet -- robot) would even be possible without the billions of hours of human interface design research and development that is a side effect of the gaming industry?

For that matter, the gaming industry has always pushed technology, as have gamers in general. The inventor of HyperCard (for those of you old enough to remember what I am talking about, and then later Quicktime invented these things because his lifetime dream is to build a freaking holodeck - pretty much the holy grail of immersive gaming.

It's not our toys and technology that are dragging us asunder. It's people doing so. People make choices. They make the choice to sit and play Tony Hawk for 17 hours or the choice to go skateboarding outside and do something else with the rest of their time. The existence of the game isn't to blame, the player is.

 

[directorik]

First of all, there's no such thing as 3 minute short film in 3 Acts. You have to have scenes and sequences before you have acts. An act climax requires many scenes (typically) to build it up.

Sorry to contradict your very first post, but this is not at all
true. A good short film - even three minutes - will have a
beginning (the first act), a middle (the second act) and an end
(the third act). No need to have many scenes to have a good
build up.

A good joke has three “acts”. A good 3 minute short film can have
them. The challenge is handling them properly. Many shorts;
especially those under five minutes suffer from one of the three
acts being undeveloped.

Other than your claim of “no such thing” an excellent first post
to our community.

 

[wheatgrinder]

your getting lots of good feedback here.... here is my bit (not making any claim of being good, you get what you pay for!)

I think a person addicted to video games and living in fantasy is a character, not a story. I know you elaborate a bit with the beating up his buddy in real life, but that didn't seem to be what your story was about..

You can riff on the old "rise and fall" of a druggie ala "less than zero" ... a down to earth gamer actually makes it to game land big time, only to fall prey to his own addition..

stories have resonance beyond the setting (drus\video games\ porno\etc).. find what resonates with you and make that move..

oh.. and may dad used to say..

" Man, I come into this bar every night, and see that same guy sitting there.. man, he must be an alcoholic!"

Do you see the irony of your writing a script about somebody else unhealthy obsession.. when you are obsessed with making film (you are or you wouldn't be here!) that may very well be why this particular topic is resonating with you so much.. run with it..

 

[apophispro]

Sorry to contradict your very first post, but this is not at all
true. A good short film - even three minutes - will have a
beginning (the first act), a middle (the second act) and an end
(the third act). No need to have many scenes to have a good
build up.

A good joke has three “acts”. A good 3 minute short film can have
them. The challenge is handling them properly. Many shorts;
especially those under five minutes suffer from one of the three
acts being undeveloped.

I disagree entirely. If you take the definition of act to be any event comprising the division of the structure of a story then yes, but I don't. As I see it that's what the word event or "part" is for. A joke often has 3 parts (not always), but I don't see the second act of Hamlet as being equivalent to "who's there?" in a knock-knock joke. An act as it is used in literature and storytelling, which is different from an act in reference to an action, is not simply the labeling of a beginning, middle, and end. This would preclude the existence of more or less than 3-act structure. A one act play still has a beginning, middle, and end as does a five act. We do not refer to the beginning, middle, and end of those works as acts. We reference a structure of setup and resolution that makes up the literary act. By this definition a short film does not have 3 acts. It likely does not have more than one literary scene (a single setup and payoff) if it is well written. Pixar's short films are an excellent example of this (see For the Birds and Lifted for examples). An act is a much larger resolution built up with smaller related resolutions.