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FireBug - 4 pages - Feedback

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wheatgrinder

A short script written to meet a few limitations.

No Live Sound
Very Short
Five hours to complete (im only up to four so I got one more hour for one more rewrite)

Check it out at.

The narration needs some work, but really isn't even necessary for the story.

http://www.devilinthedesert.com/FireBug/FireBug.html

I have a picture of this space in my mind, the layouts of the streets in relation to the desert etc, has that been made clear in my script? As a reader, can you construct a mental map of the place, is it necessary?
Is it clear that the boys are sneaking back to the neighborhood?
Is the story clear?


Thanks
 
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It doesn’t say it Cracker. But with the right touches it can communicate it.

Reflection (Boring)
Add an old guy so a flashback works to turn reflection into redemption (Ok)
Add an old guy so a flashback works to turn reflection into what seems redeption than adds a twist
of no regret (Ok too)

It's all ideas.


-Thanks-
 
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What I am pointing to (just for consideration to see other sides of the coin) is:

The Older Danny drops a cigarette that starts something ablaze and walks away.
Billy gets busted.
Narration tells us their dad moved them.
Narration says Fire Bug leaves a trail.
They circle around as brothers and play off like they weren’t there.
(And let someone else take the blame)
Danny gives his best friend the finger and bails with his brothers.
Narration says Billy was convenient AND that Danny’s brothers didn’t pay attention to him.


Coincidence of the bike chain aside, a few tweaks the above could easily be seen as:


These are some brothers that like to start fires.
Billy was a pawn in their game of it.
Their dad has moved them when there is trouble (Maybe he has moved them before too).
Danny sells out a friend for the acceptance of his brothers.
An old man reflects.
We get a twist that has impact.


Personally, I wouldn’t want a character (in a short of this length) set up so that through
self absorbed reflections we should care that he has now redeemed himself.


I would rather show a character that draws someone into his past, then in a twist with
impact demonstrates that if we thought or expected any different from this world, then
we got burned… just like Billy.


That’s just the other side of the coin potential I see in it, but I like redemption
and I like it 99% as written and with older Danny booking ending the flashback.


-Thanks-
 
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ussiners,
Im hesitant to say. Im great-full for the discovery that it is UNCLEAR. But I supposed Iv tortured you enough already. Crackers spoiler hit it, almost spot on.

I think the firebug title and narration led folks astray, it was meant to hype up the unjust treatment of Billy in an ironic way.. ill get it.

THanks
 
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I like the pyro story better.

But, the new version: If it's suppose to be the same as Cracker's spoiler, it seems to be missing the brother's not liking Billy. Billy brings the Playboy, Billy brings the pot.

I could be wrong: But, if you want the end to be a back-stabbing, you'd have to set-up something showing Danny standing up for Billy and doing the exact opposite.

Ah, what the hell do I know?
 
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I said he was close, but this is a new version and some things have been changed.

Check your premise:

Brothers come first
Billy is cool, has dope and porn..
Danny is jealous of how his brothers are responding to Billy.
 
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The middle line of your spolier. :lol:

I think that (with the possible exception of telling in narration what we see and an old Danny) no matter who likes narration or how it's interpreted or what it could be or even what you meant it to say... You nailed it the 1st time. The little story had big charm. (The revision, not so much.)

-Thanks-
 
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Thats interesting Cracker and Zen,
I thought the new rev was "cleaner" in both whos who and in format. I must have lost the feel.. Ill try a new ref where I just clean up the technical issues. I worry though, that the first draft was too prosaic and the fact of just cleaning the technical will result in the loss of feel.. let see how it goes..
 
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