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wheatgrinder

A short script written to meet a few limitations.

No Live Sound
Very Short
Five hours to complete (im only up to four so I got one more hour for one more rewrite)

Check it out at.

The narration needs some work, but really isn't even necessary for the story.

http://www.devilinthedesert.com/FireBug/FireBug.html

I have a picture of this space in my mind, the layouts of the streets in relation to the desert etc, has that been made clear in my script? As a reader, can you construct a mental map of the place, is it necessary?
Is it clear that the boys are sneaking back to the neighborhood?
Is the story clear?


Thanks
 
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First paragraph is one sentence, one full sentence that takes up 3 lines on the page and then looking down the page you have another paragraph which is seven lines long. I will have to admit, I do not like what I'm seeing thus far. Now since it's only a few pages I will give it a read for ya (I'm leaving work soon though and will reply later). But do you understand what I'm complaining about just at the start of reading this (and yes, this is a serious question)?

Also note: maybe it's the program it's on which sqeezed it together and on Final Draft (or what ever program) it looks different?
 
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Interesting little short, not really a story to say but a memory of what was in someone's life. No character arch from what I can tell. Does this story need one? No, not really but it might get me into the character a bit more. Now since I was a kid who loved forts and even dig one once, I was able to get into this story but not sure if that is a strong hook. Also, your narrator informs us what they are doing rather then you letting this unfold and have the audience guess it. Also you were right, narration was not needed except for the end where we found out he hasn't seen a Joshua tree in 10 years. But action could also tell us this with an older man looking a tree at the beginning and/or at the end. The Same kid who burnt down the other one but now he is older. Then use some transition technique which lets us know who the person is standing there from youth to older.

The screenplay is written thick with action. Here is something which can break up the action on the page, think of each paragraph as a new shot. Even if it's one line it will make it read better.

Example: Snap, the chain breaks on Danny's bike.

Just put that on one line and move on to the next paragraph which is Danny's reaction (another shot). Just looking at your screenplay at first glance seemed like a chore and what you have down is no way a 3 and half minute short. This is about a 5 to 8 minute short at the least.
 
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A bit heavy on the description, some use of passive voice, many repetitive words that makes for a challenging read.

It did paint an image, although the fort description was difficult to visualize. Is that much detail necessary to tell the story? Example, is it really necessary to say a Joshua tree is cactus like? It's more like a tree than a cactus, hence its name, right? Sort of throws you off.

The story is clear (what there is of it so far). Not an approach I would take (because no two writers are alike). Is there a reason you are sticking to narration and not revealing character and conflict through dialogue, even just a word or two here and there?
 
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SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW

I'm dull, but this is how I read it.

Danny's only real friend was Billy, who no one else liked. Danny purposely set the blaze, and left Billy there to take the blame. Danny set his next fire ten years later.

You have a lot of neat images, but many you'll probably never be able to capture.

As an exercise in a script you'll be shooting yourself, it's fine. But, if you ever sent out a real script written like this, it would be tossed in the trash before one line is read. You need to break up your actions, write what can only be shown, and don't do the director's job for him.

But, if my spoiler story is anywhere close to the meaning of the script, it's okay.

The dialogue definitely needs work. But, it's VO so you can adjust practically as you record.

I fixed my mistakes.
 
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I agree with the obvious action heaviness and that the 1st instance of narration tells us what we could figure out, or what could be cause and effect curiosity.

Sinners, your spoiler is hilarious. You have to read the script again. lol


We might have put it all together with no narration in the end, yet I think it’s stronger with the narration, but not for the tree or 10 years. (That really has nothing to do with it) I like the idea of an old man (Danny) looking at the tree at the beginning and the end as a book end flashback/life reflection device, but his actions wouldn’t communicate what the previous actions and most importantly the narration tells us their dad did (Which I might slightly tweak so it plays up on it's another in a series of times their dad has done the same thing) and the instance of narration before it which combined (to me) makes the story a dark little slice of confessional drama. (The old Danny could drop a lit cigarette and walk away at the end, and have the credits roll over the cigarette catching whatever is around it on fire.)

It could have been better shown, so I won’t say “Needed”, but one could read insight into the second instance of narration.

-Thanks-
 
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OK, let me internalize some of this insight and give it one more hour. (see my self imposed limitations in the OP)

In my narration, I was going for texture more than utility. (bad art house attempt)

So what IS a good use of narration for something like this?

Should I be using narration for exposition of of events not seen?

Thanks
 
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I like the idea of an old man (Danny) looking at the tree at the beginning and the end as a book end flashback/life reflection device, but his actions wouldn’t communicate what the previous actions and most importantly the narration tells us their dad did (Which I might slightly tweak so it plays up on it's another in a series of times their dad has done the same thing) and the instance of narration before it which combined (to me) makes the story a dark little slice of confessional drama. (The old Danny could drop a lit cigarette and walk away at the end, and have the credits roll over the cigarette catching whatever is around it on fire.)
Click to expand...


I'm always up for a darker story and the cigarette would do it. :D But I was thinking an ending of redemption. Show the older man from behind and never see the front of him at the beginning. Then at the end we can see him from the front and he wears a fire department t-shirt which shows character change (because now he is a firefighter). No narration is needed and only pay attention to sound like ROC said. Dialogue is heard but the audience can't really make out what is said, the tone of the barely heard dialogue should give more atmosphere rather then information (or something to that effect). Also, getting a fire department t-shirt should be prop which is easy to get and cheap.

Just throwing in a couple more cents for the hell of it.

Good luck.
 
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Your narration to me for the most part is fine, it’s commentary and reflection, but with like “We build forts..”, You could have let us think “I wonder what they are digging” CUT TO: Next scene- we SEE it’s a fort and think “Oh, it was a fort, I see.”—So curiosity could have created a cause and effect that you killed by telling us it was a fort.

In the 2nd instance of narration you tell us how they beat on Billy, then show us they beat on him a little, but you could have visually depicted the way they treat Billy so that it demonstrated it better. (However, I like the more or less “He was good to have around …” “My brothers never paid attention to me..” , as it could be seen as partial motive and Billy being the perfect scape goat.

EDIT- Aww man Sinners, your edit makes it less fun. (I wasn't kicking on you, I laughed that it was backwards.)

-Thanks-
 
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I can see the redemption thing, but I prefer the dark cruel memory of child hood and knowing via narration their dad (“leaves a trail like a slug”) moved them to another state, then the notion of him still being a nut by dropping a cigarette and walking away.

Personally (in this case) I wouldn’t do:
“Aww him and his brothers were little sociopaths and now he has since redeemed himself, how …sweet.”

I’m more into and would use the opportunity to be led down a primrose path and drawn into personal reflection thinking: “Damn, I guess WE ALL do some horrible things as kids, BUT he is older now, and looking back must regre.. -Oh shit, he’s still a F’ing pyro!” BAM! THE END.

And create Fire Bug, and strive to send the audience down the road in that police car like Billy was.

It could go either way on the narration, but all in all it’s not horrible and over the top, I personally like the subtle dark reflection it adds.

Having him there before and after older really opens an added dimension in it that I like.


-Thanks-
 
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What the heck are you guys talking about?! I see absolutely NO indication in this script that Danny is a pyro. Where does it say he lit the fire? Where does it even hint that he lit the fire? Is it possible that he's slumping into the shadows because he doesn't want to smoke weed with his older brothers? And he gets pissed off at Billy, because Billy does join in the weed-smoking? And then he lashes out at Billy by leaving him behind to deal with the repurcussions?

And what's this nonsense about lighting a fire ten years later? What?! And somebody mentioned "Lovely Bones". And another person talked about dad doing the same things over and over again. Holy criminy, where are you guys pulling this stuff from?

The story is simple. Billy and Danny have an alliance. Danny feels uncomfortable when Billy makes a new alliance with Danny's older brothers, by taking part in an activity Danny has no interest in. As a total accident, the older brothers cause the den to smoke up, starting a completely accidental chain reaction that leads to the tree catching fire. Pissed off at Billy, Danny abandons his best friend and lets him take the heat. The end.

wheatgrinder, I think it's a well-crafted short. It's an older man looking back and feeling remorseful. And it comes together.

Generally speaking, I'm not a fan of narration, not one bit. But of course, every rule has it's exceptions. Heck, look at my avatar. Half that dang movie was narrated. I only bring it up to make sure that you're making this decision for good reason. Are you sure you couldn't show us, a heck of a lot of what's narrated, with the help of dialogue? The piece will likely end up being considerably longer, but I think the audience will more readily ease themselves into your world with less narration.

More importantly, I wanna ask -- are you practicing your extreme-time-constraint screenwriting skills? Might this have something to do with the 48HFP? Cuz this would totally work as a 48HFP script.

I like.
 
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Suspension of Disbelief.

Narration kills it.

BTW, I think you've seen enough of my posts to know that I've got the mouth of a sailor. I hope you appreciate the fact that I tidied up.

Cheers
 
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Sorry, one last thing. Maybe one of the reasons people are confused about what happened is because there's no dialogue.

Randy hands Billy the J. Billy takes a hit. Billy hands it to Danny, who in turn passes it to Johnny, without hitting it.

DANNY
Nah, I'm cool.

BILLY
Don't be such a spaz.

Randy laughs and high-fives Billy. Danny recedes into the shadows of the fort entrance.

I ain't tryin to write your script. But in my opinion, just a little dialogue goes a long way to play up the peer-pressure thing.
 
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