A song of my own.

TI,
your a good sport, and so you get Wheagrinders seal of approval!:clap:

seal-of-approval.jpg
 
TI Irwin said:
:yes: Just give me time to finish making the beat.
Click to expand...

I've got some original beats you can use. Cracker Funk was a music production studio before crossing over to filmmaking. I don't have time to mess with it right now, but I'll see if I can upload some tonight, but probably not until Friday.
 
ok, ok, ok..

I do find that references to "peoples" "slavery" and oppression and submission hard to take.

I just know to many people who have true horror stories. A friend who lived through the killing fields of Cambodia, another who escaped an Iranian prison (because of his political views), only to WALK TO TURKEY. My own brother, died under a bridge in LA. Why? Because he wanted to be homeless..

I was walking down the city street with an African refugee.. we saw a man sleeping in his car, obviously homeless, I shook my head, said something like.. "poor guy".. my friend stooped and laughed.. "poor man.. what do you mean?, he HAS A CAR to sleep in I would have given anything for a car to sleep in!"


OK, now lets talk about YOUR poem thingy..

insomnia is an INABILITY to sleep, your describing choosing not to sleep, so you don't have insomnia, you have desire..

Your metaphor about being a grumpy night person is thin. What is being compered in your metaphor? If your just comparing your self then a simile would be better. When using a metaphor, stick to it. Reuse it over an over, ever upping the stakes with each use, this would give that prose more of a "designed" feel. What I "hear" when I read your poem, is stream of consciousness, which to me is just lazy, writing OF ALL KIDS is to be elevated, we live in the mundane, disorganized universe, I don't need to read it too! Elevate, elevate, elevate..

Ok, so you got some of my precious wisdom.. wroth EVERY penny you paid for it ;)
 
Cracker Funk said:
I've got some original beats you can use. Cracker Funk was a music production studio before crossing over to filmmaking. I don't have time to mess with it right now, but I'll see if I can upload some tonight, but probably not until Friday.
Click to expand...

I'm making one custom for this particular song, but yeah, I'd appreciate any beats you could send me! Just pm me and I'll use them as well as credit Cracker Funk when I post a song to YouTube if you would like! Thanks!
 
wheatgrinder said:
ok, ok, ok..

I do find that references to "peoples" "slavery" and oppression and submission hard to take.

I just know to many people who have true horror stories. A friend who lived through the killing fields of Cambodia, another who escaped an Iranian prison (because of his political views), only to WALK TO TURKEY. My own brother, died under a bridge in LA. Why? Because he wanted to be homeless..

I was walking down the city street with an African refugee.. we saw a man sleeping in his car, obviously homeless, I shook my head, said something like.. "poor guy".. my friend stooped and laughed.. "poor man.. what do you mean?, he HAS A CAR to sleep in I would have given anything for a car to sleep in!"


OK, now lets talk about YOUR poem thingy..

insomnia is an INABILITY to sleep, your describing choosing not to sleep, so you don't have insomnia, you have desire..

Your metaphor about being a grumpy night person is thin. What is being compered in your metaphor? If your just comparing your self then a simile would be better. When using a metaphor, stick to it. Reuse it over an over, ever upping the stakes with each use, this would give that prose more of a "designed" feel. What I "hear" when I read your poem, is stream of consciousness, which to me is just lazy, writing OF ALL KIDS is to be elevated, we live in the mundane, disorganized universe, I don't need to read it too! Elevate, elevate, elevate..

Ok, so you got some of my precious wisdom.. wroth EVERY penny you paid for it ;)
Click to expand...

I understand your point, but you have my intentions wrong. I wasn't a slave and although I have been oppressed personally it really wasn't that bad. I'm not speaking for my personal struggles, and this isn't a "pity me" song. I'm speaking for the struggles of ALL people. People like your friend.

And not to be insensitive, but everybody's got problems man. I've been homeless myself, and had nothing but the shirt on my back. Literally. I didn't have a car to sleep in. Luckily it was my work shirt, so I at least could make money. (Minimal wage, yaay!) But that's not what this is about. I don't need to compare my personal struggles with anyone else, because no matter who you are, there is always someone who's got it worse than you.

Back on topic:

I have insomnia because I have the inability to sleep when there is alot on my mind. Usually that's productive so I get songs or work on my screenplays. Trust me, if after four days without a good night's rest, I no longer care about losing creative works. I want sleep. But until I get the ideas out of my head and on paper, that isn't happening without melatonin, alcohol, or marijuana.

I appreciate the advice. Again, this isn't about self-pity. It is a metaphor for anger as noted in the preceding line.
Repetition is a great literary device, BUT in hip hop, it is redundant.
Now you can tell from the way I'm writing now, that I can "elevate". But as I noted earlier, this is how I choose to talk. It is representative of my choice in style and my appreciation of ALL of the English language, slang and profanity included.

Your advice is good. And I'm big on getting constructive criticism, but for the above reasons, the song was written intentionally how it is. And this is how the song will stay.

- Thanks
 
haha..

Repetition is a great literary device, BUT in hip hop, it is redundant.

dude, repetition is redundant in ANY FORM.. that the definition of .. redundant.. doh!

I don't mean REPEAT the words, I mean extend the metaphor. For example, in one stansa you talk about the grumpy night person and the slumlords to express your mood .. in another stanza that same character, has another situation that describes a differnt mood, maybe you escalate from grumpy to down right PO'd .. and in aoother stanza grumpy night person .. "in the vernacular of your prose.. " busts sum caps in the landlods ass" or similar.. the metaphor is reused, extended.. and brought full circle..
 
wheatgrinder said:
haha..

Repetition is a great literary device, BUT in hip hop, it is redundant.

dude, repetition is redundant in ANY FORM.. that the definition of .. redundant.. doh!

I don't mean REPEAT the words, I mean extend the metaphor. For example, in one stansa you talk about the grumpy night person and the slumlords to express your mood .. in another stanza that same character, has another situation that describes a differnt mood, maybe you escalate from grumpy to down right PO'd .. and in aoother stanza grumpy night person .. "in the vernacular of your prose.. " busts sum caps in the landlods ass" or similar.. the metaphor is reused, extended.. and brought full circle..
Click to expand...

Ha Ha You're right... Blonde moment!:blush:

I see now. That idea I like. Hmm... I'll put some thought into it and repost if I can work that into the lyrics.

- Thanks
 
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