take a look if you can, let me know if its sounds to corny thanks. UPDATE https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfbGZpSTJsUld0ZEU/view?usp=sharing
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Hi Joey. Sorry to have to say this, but there's so many spelling and grammatical errors in this that it's almost unreadable. I've read the first page, but I really don't want to read any more. If you could fix this, I'd certainly be happy to read further. Cheers!
If English was your first language then you shouldn't have so many grammatical errors. If it isn't then oh well.
Unhelpful and condescending.If English was your first language then you shouldn't have so many grammatical errors. If it isn't then oh well.
I get where you're going with this. It looks like a stock, action flick where the kid learns what MMA is all about (i.e. not just fighting), learns about himself etc... and probably gets the girl. It's OK. Genuinely nothing I'd be excited about because it's a giant cliche but if it's made well enough, then it could be good.
I dislike the overly long descriptions, the 'beat' where you're telling an actor how to talk. I'm simply not a fan of micro-managing a screenplay. Maybe that's taste, maybe that's me.
Joey - just for clarity, is English your first language? I only ask as it does make a difference to the advice you will receive.
I'm not sure how long you spent correcting this, but it's still full of errors. You really need to take it away and have a good long look at it. These mistakes won't be fixed in a few minutes.
Rodger is still Roger in the dialogue lines. There's still dialogue lines that start with lower case letters. You fixed a couple, why not all of them? You still have many missing/incorrectly used commas.
I'll offer some advice on the screenwriting elements too:
Your script now starts with one big action block. You ought to break this up to help it flow better. Try to break it up into individual actions, almost as if you were the director, selecting which shots to use.
Think about who your characters are talking to. Rodger's last line is "I'll see you tomorrow, Piggy". At the moment it reads as if he is saying that to his friends. In context, we know that's not true. You can either use a perenthesis to seperate these, or you could add another action line.
I suffer from rather severe dyslexia. It held me back and even keptSadly yesBut I have an excuse lol I have a learning disability. It has kept me back for years, well that and a failed education system...
I suffer from rather severe dyslexia. It held me back and even kept
me from graduating high school. I, too, went through (partially) the
poor California education system. I don't use that as an excuse. I
accept that I have challenges other writers don't have and I work
harder. Because of my attitude I have made a nice living as a writer.
Most of what I see in your script can be taken care of by taking a
little more time before you show it to people. Hit that “shift” key at
the beginning of each sentence so the first letter is in upper case.
Sure, you'll miss a few so before you show your work to anyone take
a little more time and look at each page. You have to work harder
like I do.