take a look if you can, let me know if its sounds to corny thanks. UPDATE https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfbGZpSTJsUld0ZEU/view?usp=sharing
Last edited:
-
Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.
A script i'm working on feed back needed.
- Thread starter joey1986
- Start date
Lesson 2. When correcting the grammar of anyone else on IndieTalk, your own grammar will mysteriously dissolve into a strange version of pidgin English. Id Est:
A pack of dogs eats a dead screenwriter.
The 'pack' is a collective noun, dogs falls within the category of the collective and therefore 'eats' is correct because it is singular.
'A swarm of teens huddles' is absolutely, 100% correct for the same reason. 'Teens' now falls under a collective noun (swarm) and therefore any, following verb, however inelegant, becomes singular as it needs to conjugate with the singular, collective noun.
It is the choice of the words 'swarm,' and 'together' which are absolutely, gramatically incorrect. This is clearer with a noun such as 'dog.' For example, 'the dog huddles together' makes absolutely no sense as 'together' is an adjective only used with plural nouns.
So, the dogs huddle together or the chickens huddle together or the teens huddle together.
Last edited:
Lol, yes and I knew that. For unknown reasons I foucused on TEENS. Maybe cuz all were intro'ed with ages and just, you know,, messed with my English chi. Or maybe because Justin's seeing an older woman?
At least Joey got some good tips from it.
As a side note I routinely leave the S off for the sake of cadence.
The herd of elephants stampede toward the village, or The herd of elephants stampede towards the village. Rolls off the tongue easier, and that's reason enough for me to use it over ...
The herd of elephants stampedes toward the village, or The herd of elephants stampede towards the village.
It's a crap shoot.
alex
At least Joey got some good tips from it.
As a side note I routinely leave the S off for the sake of cadence.
The herd of elephants stampede toward the village, or The herd of elephants stampede towards the village. Rolls off the tongue easier, and that's reason enough for me to use it over ...
The herd of elephants stampedes toward the village, or The herd of elephants stampede towards the village.
It's a crap shoot.
alex
Actually I'd go with "Parade" any day of the week. Far sexier word. Of course if I were writing this I'd say "The elephants stampede".
That aside, jeez you guys are all saints here, this thread (and its multiple counterparts) is surreal.
Hmmm...
Here is a differing opinion. People, even scriptwriters, are always in need of interesting stories. If we're not being punk'd here, then maybe given the situation (and the results of how laser focused advice was applied to attempted rewrites) this fact is something you should strongly consider. If grammar and spelling aren't your thing, it is fair to say screenwriting won't be an easy craft to master in a short amount of time. Perhaps ever. And that means the world is being denied your stories because of a possibly completely unnecessary skill path you've decided to undertake.
So I submit to you an option that may yield quicker and more rewarding results given your unique set of circumstances. Write/Type/Crayon/Chisel treatments of your story ideas, paying no attention to grammar, spelling or formatting whatsoever... and then just lean on a screenwriter, or a friend that wants to learn screenwriting, or someone who just has a fundamental grasp of the English language, to handle the technical stuff and see your vision to fruition.
Just a thought.
Last edited:
Actually I'd go with "Parade" any day of the week. Far sexier word. Of course if I were writing this I'd say "The elephants stampede".
That aside, jeez you guys are all saints here, this thread (and its multiple counterparts) is surreal.
Hmmm...
Here is a differing opinion. People, even scriptwriters, are always in need of interesting stories. If we're not being punk'd here, then maybe given the situation (and the results of how laser focused advice was applied to attempted rewrites) this fact is something you should strongly consider. If grammar and spelling aren't your thing, it is fair to say screenwriting won't be an easy craft to master in a short amount of time. Perhaps ever. And that means the world is being denied your stories because of a possibly completely unnecessary skill path you've decided to undertake.
So I submit to you an option that may yield quicker and more rewarding results given your unique set of circumstances. Write/Type/Crayon/Chisel treatments of your story ideas, paying no attention to grammar, spelling or formatting whatsoever... and then just lean on a screenwriter, or a friend that wants to learn screenwriting, or someone who just has a fundamental grasp of the English language, to handle the technical stuff and see your vision to fruition.
Just a thought.
I'll consider that if my brain decides, it can no longer learn. Ok, here is the re-write let me know what I'm still lacking at, thanks. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfSThneDBOLUhiQm8/view?usp=sharing
Last edited:
My personal opinion is to never use parentheticals. For example:
You write that Sophia shields Justin and asks him if he's okay. No
need to put that in the parenthetical. And: (beat) - don't direct
the actors line reading in the script. Allow the director and actor
to choose when and where to pause.
I also dislike using uppercase for "sounds". Personal choice.
I dislike camera direction like "Close up" in a script. Tell your
story and let the director decide who to shoot it.
The line, "Come on, your so tough" is "you are" so you should use
"you're".
Show, don't tell. "Dad scolds him" is telling. All you need to do is
show this by Dad's action and words. Don't tell the reader what
Dad is doing - show the reader Dad scolding him.
Go back again and check you capitalization of sentences. You still
missed quite a few. And check your use of "'s" - you overuse it:
leg's, get's, fall's...
You write that Sophia shields Justin and asks him if he's okay. No
need to put that in the parenthetical. And: (beat) - don't direct
the actors line reading in the script. Allow the director and actor
to choose when and where to pause.
I also dislike using uppercase for "sounds". Personal choice.
I dislike camera direction like "Close up" in a script. Tell your
story and let the director decide who to shoot it.
The line, "Come on, your so tough" is "you are" so you should use
"you're".
Show, don't tell. "Dad scolds him" is telling. All you need to do is
show this by Dad's action and words. Don't tell the reader what
Dad is doing - show the reader Dad scolding him.
Go back again and check you capitalization of sentences. You still
missed quite a few. And check your use of "'s" - you overuse it:
leg's, get's, fall's...
There are numerous technical issues here, but more important is that there really isn't a complete story. All that running for hours, and then nothing happens? So Justin finally goes to a gym to learn self deffense? That's it? Very unsatisfying ending.
If you cut to Justin finally beating down Roger, that would be very predictable.
So, can you think of a way to turn this into a story with an unexpected but satisfying ending
Or ...
You end with CUT TO: so I have assume you gave us only part of the story? Are you only asking for feedback on English skills and format?
Here is some food for thought on a few lines ...
EXT. SCHOOL YARD --DAY
A dozen KIDS in a circle pump their fist, as they clamor for blood.
Fist needs to be plural, you can leve off AS THEY
A dozen KIDS in a circle pump their fists, clamour for blood.
KID1
Separate KID from 1. I saw this as KIDI
KID #1
Get um!
Do you mean Get 'im!
KID2
KID #2
Can that kid even fight?
Inside the circle, JUSTIN (13), busted lip and swollen eye, takes in heavy breaths; throws a wild jab at Roger (14).
Why is Roger picking on him - or bullying, per your title? Nothing in the intro gives an idication. Is he small, skinny, has a weird haircut, or dresses different? This is just one look-alike teen beating up another look-alike teen. Give us a clue as to why. Also, jabs are short, straight punches - in my layman's understanding of fights - so maybe a 'wild punch' or 'wild swing' would be better. Also, cap Roger to ROGER.
This ...
He misses.
Roger pulls back. Bam!
His fist lands right between Justin’s eyes, lifting him off the ground.
Do you mean he winds up a punch? This is telgraphing - also in my layman's understanding of fights. You can smooth out all this choppy stuff with one fluid 'action'. If it's action, write like ya mean it!
Inside the circle, JUSTIN (13), busted lip and swollen eye, takes in heavy breaths; throws a wild punch, misses. ROGER (14) clocks him right between the eyes, lifts him off the ground.
Here again I am no expert, but a blow to the forehead hard enough to lift someone off the ground can do some serious damage. It's okay to be dramatic, but you need to be realistic as well. Justin is no fighter - so I gather so far - so a hit like this is very likely to knock him out cold, and maybe even lead to seizures. Especially if the following is also true ...
Justin hovers backward, spirals around hits the dirt.
Justin spirals backwards, hits the dirt with a thud.
I think this kind of dramatic choreography needs to wait until Justin has built the endurance and cinderblock chin needed to actually live through this kind of hit. I get he's a wimp, so a solid whack the jaw will do it. Save the flying and twirliing for his big revenge. You want to show change and growth. Now, even a small punch will knock him right over. Later, after his training, a punch that sends him flying will be a temporary setback - until he gets to his feet against all odds and continues the fight.
SOUNDS of a girl screaming.
Why do girls always scream? Per the later lines, she's pretty fearless. I don't see her as a screamer. Have her shout Justin's name.
SOFIA (14), pushes through the crowd, falls to her knees and shields, Justin.
Shields him from what? Is Roger still beating on him? Kicking? About to deliver a knock-out flying elbow to the face? What does Sophia look like? Anything about her we should know? Does she dress as tough as she talks, or is there a real juxtaposition here? Mousy, screaming girl in a pink blouse?
Why the comma between SHIELDS and JUSTIN ?
A final thought ... In a fight where bodies are flying through the air, 12 people will need to make a lot of room. Sophia won't need to 'push through'. 30 maybe, but not 12.
a
If you cut to Justin finally beating down Roger, that would be very predictable.
So, can you think of a way to turn this into a story with an unexpected but satisfying ending
Or ...
You end with CUT TO: so I have assume you gave us only part of the story? Are you only asking for feedback on English skills and format?
Here is some food for thought on a few lines ...
EXT. SCHOOL YARD --DAY
A dozen KIDS in a circle pump their fist, as they clamor for blood.
Fist needs to be plural, you can leve off AS THEY
A dozen KIDS in a circle pump their fists, clamour for blood.
KID1
Separate KID from 1. I saw this as KIDI
KID #1
Get um!
Do you mean Get 'im!
KID2
KID #2
Can that kid even fight?
Inside the circle, JUSTIN (13), busted lip and swollen eye, takes in heavy breaths; throws a wild jab at Roger (14).
Why is Roger picking on him - or bullying, per your title? Nothing in the intro gives an idication. Is he small, skinny, has a weird haircut, or dresses different? This is just one look-alike teen beating up another look-alike teen. Give us a clue as to why. Also, jabs are short, straight punches - in my layman's understanding of fights - so maybe a 'wild punch' or 'wild swing' would be better. Also, cap Roger to ROGER.
This ...
He misses.
Roger pulls back. Bam!
His fist lands right between Justin’s eyes, lifting him off the ground.
Do you mean he winds up a punch? This is telgraphing - also in my layman's understanding of fights. You can smooth out all this choppy stuff with one fluid 'action'. If it's action, write like ya mean it!
Inside the circle, JUSTIN (13), busted lip and swollen eye, takes in heavy breaths; throws a wild punch, misses. ROGER (14) clocks him right between the eyes, lifts him off the ground.
Here again I am no expert, but a blow to the forehead hard enough to lift someone off the ground can do some serious damage. It's okay to be dramatic, but you need to be realistic as well. Justin is no fighter - so I gather so far - so a hit like this is very likely to knock him out cold, and maybe even lead to seizures. Especially if the following is also true ...
Justin hovers backward, spirals around hits the dirt.
Justin spirals backwards, hits the dirt with a thud.
I think this kind of dramatic choreography needs to wait until Justin has built the endurance and cinderblock chin needed to actually live through this kind of hit. I get he's a wimp, so a solid whack the jaw will do it. Save the flying and twirliing for his big revenge. You want to show change and growth. Now, even a small punch will knock him right over. Later, after his training, a punch that sends him flying will be a temporary setback - until he gets to his feet against all odds and continues the fight.
SOUNDS of a girl screaming.
Why do girls always scream? Per the later lines, she's pretty fearless. I don't see her as a screamer. Have her shout Justin's name.
SOFIA (14), pushes through the crowd, falls to her knees and shields, Justin.
Shields him from what? Is Roger still beating on him? Kicking? About to deliver a knock-out flying elbow to the face? What does Sophia look like? Anything about her we should know? Does she dress as tough as she talks, or is there a real juxtaposition here? Mousy, screaming girl in a pink blouse?
Why the comma between SHIELDS and JUSTIN ?
A final thought ... In a fight where bodies are flying through the air, 12 people will need to make a lot of room. Sophia won't need to 'push through'. 30 maybe, but not 12.
a
Last edited:
I should've probably mentioned this is a short film, that I'm writing for a friend.
And yes it will be your everyday cliche.
Here is a bit more I wrote tonight, I didn't proofread it all yet, so there will most likely be a lot of errors.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfSThneDBOLUhiQm8/view?usp=sharing
Basically, I'm using this to learn everything I can, before I go back and fix my 100-page script.
I posted the first five pages on here a while back.
What problems do you experience?
I only glanced at the first draft. It puzzled me and as a non native English speaker I didn't feel like trying to teach someone English, because I don't feel like I can explain it.
I experience no problems.
Last edited:
My computer locked up for maybe 10 minutes, and it took me some time after that to get the anti-virus working and to close.
Things are getting progressively worse. DO NOT OPEN THAT FILE!!
As of now all of my writing files are unusable. This puts me out of work until this is fixed. Internet is hit and miss.
Joey, you need to find another way to share this script.
Arg.
As of now all of my writing files are unusable. This puts me out of work until this is fixed. Internet is hit and miss.
Joey, you need to find another way to share this script.
Arg.
You must of download something else bro, its google drive.
Works perfectly fine for me and a friend i sent it to. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfSThneDBOLUhiQm8/view?usp=sharing
Again, the link works fine but I went in made another using dropbox.
Here is another link https://www.dropbox.com/s/pkubfnpemprrb9w/Script bully (16).pdf?dl=0
Also, you can scan the url for viruses, it's clean.
Here is a site you can use to scan it. https://www.virustotal.com/ or google scan url.
Last edited: