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A script i'm working on feed back needed.

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Hi Joey. Sorry to have to say this, but there's so many spelling and grammatical errors in this that it's almost unreadable. I've read the first page, but I really don't want to read any more. If you could fix this, I'd certainly be happy to read further. Cheers!
 
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mad_hatter said:
Hi Joey. Sorry to have to say this, but there's so many spelling and grammatical errors in this that it's almost unreadable. I've read the first page, but I really don't want to read any more. If you could fix this, I'd certainly be happy to read further. Cheers!
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sorry about that, as you can see i'm not very smart lol ill fix it tonight and repost the link
 
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Sorry, but I really don't have time to go through this correcting your mistakes. It's your basic English. Comma and apostrophe usage (clamour's), spelling (is instead of his) and incorrect word usage (well-being...). There's something in almost every sentence, I can't go through all of them.

Is it Roger or Rodger?

Why do your dialogue sentences not begun with capital letters?
 
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Have it proofread for grammar and then post it. I'm sure we can get the gist, but it's really hard to read with many so errors, as it takes you out of the story... so it's very forced, in trying to be immersed in the story and becomes a chore quickly.
 
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Quality said:
If English was your first language then you shouldn't have so many grammatical errors. If it isn't then oh well.
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Unhelpful and condescending.

joey, as other have said take a few minutes to correct spelling, grammar and
check typos. I know it takes time but if you do people can read and offer
feedback. You haven't even fixed the issues mad_hatter brought up.

Why?
 
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I should think before you start screenwriting you should be at a verse level in English. Do your research. Just because you can talk English doesn't mean you know the basic fundamental grammar that forms the art of it.
 
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Joey - just for clarity, is English your first language? I only ask as it does make a difference to the advice you will receive.

I'm not sure how long you spent correcting this, but it's still full of errors. You really need to take it away and have a good long look at it. These mistakes won't be fixed in a few minutes.

Rodger is still Roger in the dialogue lines. There's still dialogue lines that start with lower case letters. You fixed a couple, why not all of them? You still have many missing/incorrectly used commas.

I'll offer some advice on the screenwriting elements too:

Your script now starts with one big action block. You ought to break this up to help it flow better. Try to break it up into individual actions, almost as if you were the director, selecting which shots to use.

Think about who your characters are talking to. Rodger's last line is "I'll see you tomorrow, Piggy". At the moment it reads as if he is saying that to his friends. In context, we know that's not true. You can either use a perenthesis to seperate these, or you could add another action line.
 
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I get where you're going with this. It looks like a stock, action flick where the kid learns what MMA is all about (i.e. not just fighting), learns about himself etc... and probably gets the girl. It's OK. Genuinely nothing I'd be excited about because it's a giant cliche but if it's made well enough, then it could be good.

I dislike the overly long descriptions, the 'beat' where you're telling an actor how to talk. I'm simply not a fan of micro-managing a screenplay. Maybe that's taste, maybe that's me.
 
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gorillaonabike said:
I get where you're going with this. It looks like a stock, action flick where the kid learns what MMA is all about (i.e. not just fighting), learns about himself etc... and probably gets the girl. It's OK. Genuinely nothing I'd be excited about because it's a giant cliche but if it's made well enough, then it could be good.

I dislike the overly long descriptions, the 'beat' where you're telling an actor how to talk. I'm simply not a fan of micro-managing a screenplay. Maybe that's taste, maybe that's me.
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I agree with you 100 percent. I don't care for scripts like this, I'm only writing it as a favor for a friend.
 
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mad_hatter said:
Joey - just for clarity, is English your first language? I only ask as it does make a difference to the advice you will receive.

I'm not sure how long you spent correcting this, but it's still full of errors. You really need to take it away and have a good long look at it. These mistakes won't be fixed in a few minutes.

Rodger is still Roger in the dialogue lines. There's still dialogue lines that start with lower case letters. You fixed a couple, why not all of them? You still have many missing/incorrectly used commas.

I'll offer some advice on the screenwriting elements too:

Your script now starts with one big action block. You ought to break this up to help it flow better. Try to break it up into individual actions, almost as if you were the director, selecting which shots to use.

Think about who your characters are talking to. Rodger's last line is "I'll see you tomorrow, Piggy". At the moment it reads as if he is saying that to his friends. In context, we know that's not true. You can either use a perenthesis to seperate these, or you could add another action line.
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Sadly yes :( But I have an excuse lol I have a learning disability. It has kept me back for years, well that and a failed education system...
 
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joey1986 said:
Sadly yes :( But I have an excuse lol I have a learning disability. It has kept me back for years, well that and a failed education system...
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I suffer from rather severe dyslexia. It held me back and even kept
me from graduating high school. I, too, went through (partially) the
poor California education system. I don't use that as an excuse. I
accept that I have challenges other writers don't have and I work
harder. Because of my attitude I have made a nice living as a writer.

Most of what I see in your script can be taken care of by taking a
little more time before you show it to people. Hit that “shift” key at
the beginning of each sentence so the first letter is in upper case.
Sure, you'll miss a few so before you show your work to anyone take
a little more time and look at each page. You have to work harder
like I do.
 
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directorik said:
I suffer from rather severe dyslexia. It held me back and even kept
me from graduating high school. I, too, went through (partially) the
poor California education system. I don't use that as an excuse. I
accept that I have challenges other writers don't have and I work
harder. Because of my attitude I have made a nice living as a writer.

Most of what I see in your script can be taken care of by taking a
little more time before you show it to people. Hit that “shift” key at
the beginning of each sentence so the first letter is in upper case.
Sure, you'll miss a few so before you show your work to anyone take
a little more time and look at each page. You have to work harder
like I do.
Click to expand...

California education system sucks! I'm glad you're able to function with your disability. For me it's complicated. I can only focus for like 3 minutes before I zone out lol Didn't mean to make excuses It's just hard for me to learn when I have no idea what to look for. btw no need give me notes' after all, I got some last night from a friend. Turns out I'm way off at writing scripts. Give me a few days ill have a rewrite for you guys to shred apart so could learn more. Thank you all for taking the time to give advice.
 
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You can always have a friend or relative proofread it for you. I would help but short on time and I noticed too much to do a quick one.
 
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Can someone tell me if I'm on the right track, please! I have been learning about punctuation for a couple days now and I think I had a moment of clarity. Please tell me if this is correct thanks.


A swarm of teens huddles together in a circle, They clamor*for blood. In the center of the crowd with a*swollen eye and busted up lip is JUSTIN (13). Justin desperately tries to hold his footing, while being pummeled by ROGER (14) superior fighting abilities.

Justin is fatigued, takes in heavy breaths. Justin throws a jab;*Rodger counters*pulls back and strikes Justin right between the eyes. The impact causes Justin feet to descend in mid-air. Justin soars like a bird. *The crowd follows Justin, as he hovers backward, spirals around, hits*the floor and eats dirt. A girl pushes through the crowd. SOPHIA (14) rushes in straddles Justin body. She looks up at Roger.
 
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Grammar and overall English command still lacking.

Lesson 1

A swarm of teens huddles together in a circle.

TEENS is plural, so the following verb HUDDLES needs to lose the S. This should read ...

A swarm of teens huddle together in a circle.

Simple rule is - in MOST cases, if you have an S on the noun, then you do not have an S on the verb.


The dogs run.

Mary runs.


If you have Mary and Sally run, Mary and Sally are by default a plural (cats, birds, houses, friends), so the S is assumed.

Also, you can lose the word TOGETHER. If they are huddling, this is redundant.

A swarm of teens huddle in a circle.





There are numerous issues with the action beyond just the English, though. Your cadence, your mixed actions and descriptions, on and on.


This, for example ...

The impact causes Justin feet to descend in mid-air. Justin soars like a bird


To descend is to come dowm, to soar assumes one is already up or moving up. So which is it, up or down? Also, you need to indicate these are Justin's feet with the possesive ('s).

The impact causes Justin's feet to descend in mid-air. Justin soars like a bird.


Nonsense like this ...

The crowd follows Justin, as he hovers backward, spirals around, hits*the floor and eats dirt

The crowd follows him? How far did he soar? 100 feet? Hover is more of a suspended action, like floating, so hover and soar just isn't going to happen - maybe in slow motion Chinese Kung Fu scenes, but not in this case. Your verbs are not congruous.


You are missing commas, and have periods that chop fast miving action into little pieces. If things are moving fast, the writing should match it. Yours reads like this ...

John hits Mark. Mark hits John really hard. John stumbles back. He falls. Mark Kicks him.

This is a fight! Fights move - okay, not always. We've all seen those MMA fights that end up against the wall and stay there. Yawn.

Don't give too much blow-by-blow. Work that out in the choegraphy. In the script, keep it mving ...

Mark and John battle it out, Mark gains the upper hand.



This ...

A girl pushes through the crowd. SOPHIA (14) rushes in straddles Justin body. She looks up at Roger.

So, is girl and SOPHIA the same person? Is Justin body a name, or do you mean Justin's body ? And again, you are chopping up what should be one fluid action

Try ...

SOPHIA (14) pushes through the crowd, rushes to Justin. She looks up at Roger.

Why do you have her straddling Justin? He's probably in some pain, so getting straddled isn't going to help. Is she covering him to protect him? Wants a quickie mid-fight? What's the point here?


This ...

hits*the floor and eats dirt

Is this inside or outside? Or just a really dirty floor?


If the whole script is like this, it is still unreadable, and probably unfilmable.


alex
 
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