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What do you think of my scene?

R

RealJasonBourne

A guy ESSAI is standing on a corner of a block. He looks around and then looks at his watch. A few seconds later a guy JORDAN starts walking towards him.

Essai nods to him.

JORDAN
Whats good

ESSAI
not much, how are you

Jordan doesnt respond and stares.

JORDAN
Pff..

Jordan flicks his cigarette past essais head. Essai stares at him.

ESSAI
Never seen you smoke before.

JORDAN
How much

ESSAI
$20 a sack, like last time

JORDAN
how much you GOT?

ESSAI
don't worry man, I've got you covered

JORDAN
Show me

ESSAI
Money first man

JORDAN
SHOW ME punk bitch

ESSAI
calm down man. Whats with the tough guy act.

Jordan stares at him. Essai turns his head slowly and sees a car behind him waiting by the curb. He turns around and looks at Jordan.

ESSAI
alright chill, I'll show you.

Essai pulls out a bag from his backpack, then throws the backpack in jordans face and begins to run.


*insert death sentence alley chase scene*


This is really supposed to be for practice and I want to use the same style of cinematography that breaking bad would use.

Do you think it's decent or is it complete hogwash
 
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this doesn't really make sense to me, theres random things happening for no reason? either that or its not being explained to well.

read what you have wrote, do you think it honestly makes sense?
 
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8salacious9 said:
this doesn't really make sense to me, theres random things happening for no reason? either that or its not being explained to well.

read what you have wrote, do you think it honestly makes sense?
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I don't know lol.

what i'm trying to show here is the kid selling drugs to someone he knows of. The guy is acting like a wannabe thug when he doesn't usually act like that. The kid realizes somethings up and sees the mustang behind him with a couple guys in it so he knows hes about to be robbed.


so its complete hogwash im guessing?
 
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Well i'd point out that that little blurb 'death sentence chase' involves like 5 days of shooting, tons of runners and equipment etc and was one of the best / most intense foot chases ever filmed. so good luck with that part, if you pull it off i'll be jealous :)
 
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sfoster said:
Well i'd point out that that little blurb 'death sentence chase' involves like 5 days of shooting, tons of runners and equipment etc and was one of the best / most intense foot chases ever filmed. so good luck with that part, if you pull it off i'll be jealous :)
Click to expand...

Have you ever read the script to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?

They fight
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:lol:

Hopefully if the OP proceeds with this project he will put lots of time and planning into this scene. It's not as easy as it sounds on paper.
 
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Some changes you could make if they seem plausible (have just edited your post in the form of an edited quote to make the changes):

RealJasonBourne said:
ESSAI stands on a corner of a block. He looks around at his surroundings and then looks at his watch. A few seconds later JORDAN approaches him.

Essai nods to him.

ESSAI
What's up man?

Jordan doesn't respond. He just stares.

Jordan flicks his cigarette past Essai's head. Essai stares at him.

ESSAI
Never seen you smoke before.

JORDAN
How much?

ESSAI
$20 a sack, like last time.

JORDAN
How much you GOT?

ESSAI
Don't worry man, I've got you covered

JORDAN
Show me

ESSAI
Money first man, you know how I do things.

JORDAN
SHOW ME punk bitch

ESSAI
Calm down man. What's got into you?

Jordan stares at him. Essai turns his head slowly to see a car behind him waiting by the curb. He turns back around and looks at Jordan.

Essai pulls out a bag from his backpack, then throws the backpack in Jordan's face and begins to run.

*insert death sentence alley chase scene*
Click to expand...

I took out a couple of bits of dialogue because I felt that they weren't needed as the actors would convey what was originally said just by the way they act the scene. I added an extra use of the word 'man' in Essai's speech to make him sound more different than Jordan, because I felt they almost sounded like they were the same character.

Hope this helps in some way :)
 
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PhantomScreenwriter said:
Some changes you could make if they seem plausible (have just edited your post in the form of an edited quote to make the changes):



I took out a couple of bits of dialogue because I felt that they weren't needed as the actors would convey what was originally said just by the way they act the scene. I added an extra use of the word 'man' in Essai's speech to make him sound more different than Jordan, because I felt they almost sounded like they were the same character.

Hope this helps in some way :)
Click to expand...

thanks a lot, this does help :yes:
 
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Personally, and this is just me...I would scrap that entire scene for now and begin with the 5 day shoot chase scene...then come back to the why part later...I can imagine this really well shot, well thought out chase scene where hes running for his life, and Im thinking why are they after him, but Im glad to see he is getting away, but then...he trips or is caught or hits a wall or gets hit by a car or for whatever reason he is caught by the chasers, and here, it is explained why he is being chased, in this part of the story, or perhaps they hurt him, and as he lays bleeding on the pavement he contemplates where he went wrong, and there we go back a few days or whatever to the start of the story that then tells us the lead up to this, and takes us on to the conclusion of what he is going to do about it.

If you do this, ie chase scene, then back to start of story, then back to chase scene to conclusion, remember to get heaps of different angles etc because the first chase scene show is to be gripping, the second show of this same chase scene must show the same chase from some new angles, and these new angles give the viewer a better understanding of the story based on what is revealed within these new angles of the same chase scene. Think this through very carefully, and take more shots then you need...and don't mess up the sound.
 
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^ The thing is FantasyFilmProductions that actually filming a good chase scene is actually very difficult and can be dangerous (if you're careless or don't know what you are doing) If you want to film stuff yourself, my advice is to keep it as simple to shoot as you can (until you get lots of experience); amp up the tension through drama and conflict on-screen that is relatively easy to film. That would be my advice anyway. :)

I would write the dialogue the OP wrote differently though and really amp up the drama and conflict.
.
 
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I assumed that we weren't discussing the jumping through of glass windows ( sugar glass ) etc with this being a forum for indie films, ie low budget. Ground shots of shoes throwing dirt up as the chasee just manages to get around a corner for instance. Balcony leaps filmed perhaps with trick shots so no actual balcony jumping or drops below, or even some green screen work ie guy leaping in front of, or over a green screen with 20 foot drop edited in after.

But yes, safety is paramount and filming a good chase scene requires a lot of skill, understanding, and forethought.
 
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