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logline Thoughts on my Logline?

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SaintFlacko1

A man wakes up in a motel beside a dead woman and no memory of the night before — as a haunting figure named Vince accuses him of murder, he spirals into psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into one terrifying truth.
 
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Tell us more about the MC:

An introverted young man...

wakes up in:

awakens in...

Tell us more about the motel:

a cheap motel...

and no memory:

with no memory...

I could keep going but my point is, tell us more without using a lot of words and try to maintain a nice flow.
 
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SaintFlacko1 said:
he spirals into psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into one terrifying truth.
Click to expand...
Should this be "a" psychological battle?

Also, blur seems counterintuitive here, "one terrifying truth" sounds absolute. Perhaps terrifying could change to unimaginable. A bit more ominous.

...he spirals into a psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into the unimaginable truth.

And unimaginable ties it into memory loss.
 
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