logline Thoughts on my Logline?

[SaintFlacko1]

A man wakes up in a motel beside a dead woman and no memory of the night before — as a haunting figure named Vince accuses him of murder, he spirals into psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into one terrifying truth.

 

[directorik]

Love it. A lot of potential here.

 

[Aspiring Mogul]

Agreed with Rik. This could be another Hitchcock psychological thriller.

 

[indietalk]

Tell us more about the MC:

An introverted young man...

wakes up in:

awakens in...

Tell us more about the motel:

a cheap motel...

and no memory:

with no memory...

I could keep going but my point is, tell us more without using a lot of words and try to maintain a nice flow.

 

[indietalk]

he spirals into psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into one terrifying truth.

Should this be "a" psychological battle?

Also, blur seems counterintuitive here, "one terrifying truth" sounds absolute. Perhaps terrifying could change to unimaginable. A bit more ominous.

...he spirals into a psychological battle where guilt, identity, and reality blur into the unimaginable truth.

And unimaginable ties it into memory loss.

 

[indietalk]

PS. Sounds like something I'd watch.

 

[indietalk]

Tell us more about the MC:

Let me elaborate.

A man wakes up

"A man" tells us nothing. Is he a down-on-his-luck public defender? Is he a sanitation worker on disability? A college student during spring break? I'd like to know something about the MC. All I'm saying is, tell us.