archived-videos The Dumpster - A Short Comedy

S

Skreamings

There are few things more tempting in life than the lure of an empty dumpster in your neighbor's driveway. But when that neighbor is a jerk, things can get a bit tricky.

This short film screened at 11 film festivals across the US and Canada last year.

http://vimeo.com/27754937

Please share it with your friends.
 
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LasVegasIRA said:
I read your script, Gary. I'm not impressed either.

As stated above, everything you have in that initial paragraph spoken by Paloma could be shown and easily explained once the Sergio character is introduced. If you want to show that Palmoa treats Maria poorly, you could have had her doing and saying mean things to her as she was getting ready for Sergio to come over.

I'm not saying the scripts are bad (I read the second one too,) but they're hardly at the level of genius you claim them to be. They read at best like absurdist theater (think Christopher Durang) and at worst like a second rate sitcom.

Not that that's a bad thing. There's a true place for the type of comedy you're writing. But you need to leave room for other tastes that are different from your own...
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Look, the DIVA script is PRECISELY the quality of a prime-time sitcom. It's actually funnier than most. Also, keep in mind it was not done by a team of writers.

A head writer looking to hire a comedy writer would read my script and give me a call. He wouldn't hire because I have no track record.

I suggest you read it again if you don't see these things in it.

I mean, were it a "Seinfeld" or "Malcolm in the Middle" submission and placed in a stack of produced Seinfeld or Malcolm scripts, you'd not be able to tell which one was mine.

The humor works precisely the way the best sitcom humor works -- one liners and action in every other sentence.

Can you don't that?
 
But let's move on...

What else would you cut or rearrange?
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I honestly don't know why anyone would continue talking to you about this. Every single specific critique brought up about your scripts so far has been met with nothing but an argument by you. Do you truly want critique, or do you want to argue?

You say that you were honest in your assessment of the OP's short, and that you're just trying to help him make a better film. Yet, you don't want help with your script, which BTW, you posted in this thread for the express purpose of being critiqued.

Sounds to me like you're a premiere member of the Dish It Out But Can't Take It Club.
 
Skreamings said:
I'd like to know when you are going to make this film. As it is written. Because obviously you aren't going to change a word.

Are you going to make it?

And to be honest, when she said "Tyra" I had no freaking idea she meant Tyra Banks.
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I wasn't, but I think I will sometime next month.

In fact -- why don't you make it?
 
A head writer looking to hire a comedy writer would read my script and give me a call.
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Then why aren't you sitting at a writer's table in Hollywood instead of wasting your time with a bunch of bum hacks like us?
 
LasVegasIRA said:
I honestly don't know why anyone would continue talking to you about this. Every single specific critique brought up about your scripts so far has been met with nothing but an argument by you. Do you truly want critique, or do you want to argue?

You say that you were honest in your assessment of the OP's short, and that you're just trying to help him make a better film. Yet, you don't want help with your script, which BTW, you posted in this thread for the express purpose of being critiqued.

Sounds to me like you're a premiere member of the Dish It Out But Can't Take It Club.
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How many times have you given the speech directly above, Las Vegas?

Don't you think readers are tied of it by now?
 
garylloyd said:
I wasn't, but I think I will sometime next month.

In fact -- why don't you make it?
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I hope you do make it and share with us.

I wouldn't make it, because I don't think it's funny. Probably the way the Nicholl's folks didn't think your other script was very good. How far did you make it by the way?
 
How many times have you given the speech directly above, Las Vegas?

Don't you think readers are tied of it by now?
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Given what speech?

What readers? Am I writing in this forum to entertain everybody? I thought we we're sharing our views on independent filmmaking...

I think the OP is right. You seem to deflect a lot...
 
Gary I think you are going overboard on making your points. The dumpster video is fine the way it is. You got your points but you forget most of us don't know much about Charlie Chaplin it was well before our times. You don't have to post ten times to a thread trying to make the guy feel his short was not good enough for your tastes. Everyone has different tastes and levels of skill and knowledge in making these films.
 
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And to pipe back in one more time.

You acted like a dick from the word go. I critique people's work all the time, and have my own critiqued. It can be HIGHLY critical without sounding like an asshole, really it can. Not to mention when William Goldman or Woody Allen pops up in here and wants to shred a screenplay, well, they're allowed. When it's done by someone whose best work (I have seen) reads like a bad SNL script written by a 9th grader, well...
 
Skreamings said:
I hope you do make it and share with us.

I wouldn't make it, because I don't think it's funny. Probably the way the Nicholl's folks didn't think your other script was very good. How far did you make it by the way?
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Read my lips, Skreamings, you had exactly one funny line in your short -- "Honey, I need $10!"

Meanwhile, every other line of dialog in my short is a gag.

Well, that's the way a sitcom works. That's the template. That's the formula. If you don't like the formula, that's one thing; but to say my short doesn't faithfully replicate the formula shows you know nothing about how comedy works.

What you produced doesn't resemble anything out there. It's all dressed up with no where to go. You call it a comedy because the premise is funny -- but that's the only thing funny, the premise.

What you don't grasp is it takes more than a funny premise -- you need to put flesh on the bone.


You don't know how to do this. No big deal. I told you how to do it but you're too dense to grasp the value of what I told you.

If you follow my instructions your comedies will get very funny. If you , don't you'll be wasting your time on dumb festivals for the rest of your life.

The choice is yours.
 
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Gonzo_Entertainment said:
And to pipe back in one more time.

You acted like a dick from the word go. I critique people's work all the time, and have my own critiqued. It can be HIGHLY critical without sounding like an asshole, really it can. Not to mention when William Goldman or Woody Allen pops up in here and wants to shred a screenplay, well, they're allowed. When it's done by someone whose best work (I have seen) reads like a bad SNL script written by a 9th grader, well...
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What the flock ...

Are you quite through?

Because if you are, I'd like to get back to the lecture in comedy writing I was giving.

I'm beginning to see what the problem is with you fellows. You're all trying to re-invent the wheel. You're submitting work to these festivals that doesn't have a chance because you don't get the fundamentals right.

The sitcom structure is an excellent starting point. It requires a gag every other line. After you master this formula you don't have to do it anymore -- but dismiss it and start-out doing more difficult comedy is ill-advised.

You mentioned Woody Allen, but look at the dreck he started with. It was only after years of bad movies that he had the skill to do light comedy and satire.
 
LasVegasIRA said:
Given what speech?

What readers? Am I writing in this forum to entertain everybody? I thought we we're sharing our views on independent filmmaking...

I think the OP is right. You seem to deflect a lot...
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Then say something original -- you're supposed to be a writer, remember?
 
rockerrockstar said:
Gary I think you are going overboard on making your points. The dumpster video is fine the way it is. You got your points but you forget most of us don't know much about Charlie Chaplin it was well before our times. You don't have to post ten times to a thread trying to make the guy feel his short was not good enough for your tastes. Everyone has different tastes and levels of skill and knowledge in making these films.
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There wasn't one critique of the thing and that's BS.

And even at this late date -- after I broached the topic -- everyone is still too afraid to say anything critical about it.

But the gulf between his cinematography skills and his screenplay skills is as wide as the Grand Canyon. And I can't help wondering when does he ever get the advice needs -- advice he's obviously not been getting.

This crap has got to stop. It's an epidemic. It's counter-productive.

And I'm not stopping. I'm going full bore now -- I'm looking for more films to critique.

How about yours, Sunshine?
 
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