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Okay, My Turn

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Flicker Pictures said:
Saved as PDF to my desktop. Will check it out when I have the chance!

What became of the one based on that Vonnegut story?
Click to expand...

Looks like I am going to have to do it myself. So I looking into buying my own equipment etc. Like I always say, if you want to make the rules, dont play with someone elses ball.

I cant use commas because my daughter took that key.:)
 
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Sorry for the delay. Had work.
I liked it. Caught myself laughing out loud twice I counted, which is good.
Opening hooked me. Characters are set up nicely, each one different/ dynamic.
You got any tentative titles, yet?
 
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I liked it, nice work.

"I really don't see what the big deal is. I think she was half retarded anyway."
got a laugh out out of me. Of course, I chuckled on the inside throughout.

I liked how you wrote the series of shots part and the flashbacks. I think those flashbacks could be a real hoot.
 
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Okay, here it goes.

I'm baring in mind this is a script that you plan to shoot yourself. So, the instructions upon certain techniques, or how we enter/exit are scene are valid. But, if there was a chance you could draft up another without, it would be easier to disect. -Merely from a writers POV, it may deter a few folk who aren't film-makers.


There seems to be no "Establishing shot", no clarification of where we are in the world. Where are we?

You've got the pacing down to a tee. But it could SNAP just a little more, aswell as allowing us a little more insight into the character. A mention of their profession, a defining factor of their character, a hobbie etc. Take for example the first scene.

INT. STEPHENS' APARTMENT - MORNING

A cluttered apartment. Dust spirals in the acute sunlight.

STEPHEN (20), a veteran video-clerk, is alsleep on the sofa.

It punches. Clarifying the age of your character with numerals adds to the flow.

It got a little cloudy within the "Flashback", I wasn't quite sure whether we were SEEING the action, or hearing about it while we see Stephen on the sofa. If it's the former, you have to play out the scene with the V.O coming in at the appropriate times.

Remember, we only SEE what we read. Unless we get the same degree of description as the other scenes, we're going to remain in the previous scene, or get lost.

I'm approaching the dialogue as purposely expository, and making fun of itself. I'm reading it like I previously viewed Black Dynamite which was hilarious. It was purposely a "blacksploitation" film, making fun of the era, constant breaking of the fourth wall, and expository dialogue.

The constant F-bombs/insults galore,are hilarious. If it embodies what I referred to with Black Dynamite. Then it works. I can see a moment where the location recordist falls into shot, his cap shooting across the room, and Stephen staring to the camera, blatantly continuing as if nothing had happened, all the while he gives the guy a little kick to the ribs.

It's reading well so far, Murdock.

Enjoyed it.
 
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Thanks Richy. It's always interesting to me, what people find funny. Even more so when its words on paper.

Hey Paper, thanks. You bring up several valid points. This thing is still very rough, there's no title for Christ's sake.:) As for establishing shots. I was thinking on this thing as an "Everytown USA" type locale. But I guess I could still use some sort of shot over the city/town. I agree about developing the characters more, as well. Also, I knew someone would bust me on the flashbacks and the exit line where he "sit on the sofa and tells Chris the story". It is confusing.:) What I was going for was the understanding that the only dialogue in the flashbacks is Stephens voice. So when the Girlfriend says,"I've been here for a minute and a half.", its Stephens voice over her lips.:)

As for the dialogue. Yea its purposefully (is that a word) over the top. The funny thing, however, is Stephen's dialogue is based on how I really speak with my close friends. Good or bad there you go. Well I don't drop as many F-bombs but you get the idea.

The idea you have about the sound guy is great. I want to do something like that with Bunker Bingo, the other film Flicker was refering to.:)

Thanks for the suggestions. Will definitely make use of them.
 
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There's a lot to like in this. In particular, the flashback of the race with the microwave I think is pretty damn funny.

There are a few things that bug me, though, and it's all dialogue.

- Papertwin mentioned the expository nature of much of the dialogue. He gave you the benefit of the doubt, and read it like it's supposed to be that way, poking fun of itself. I read it straight-forward, and some of it isn't working. The following lines are a perfect example:

STEPHEN

Are you out of your fucking mind? Barnum gets bad ass weed and he hooks us up with beer,but his last name is Ripley. He's named after a circus and a fuckin freak show, and he lives up to it. So you can just imagine what kind of ultra pasty, sun deprived, role playing, magic believing crazy he's going to try and set me up with. Fuck it. No, I'm not doin it.

CHRIS

Bullshit, you're not doing it. You owe me. Remember? Junior year. You had a date with that hot chick from South High. But she would only go out if she could bring her "Free Willy" whale of a friend. And who bailed you out by spending a lovely evening wrangling the cow over hill and dale. By the way, that was fucked up, going to the park and making me push her on the swings.

Here's my question to you -- would anyone ever talk like that in real life? No, of course not. So many details are told that, in real life, wouldn't need to be shared, because each person involved in this conversation would know that the other guy already knows those details. In real life, I think the same conversation would be more like:

STEPHEN
Fuck no, dude, you know Barnum would hook me up with some pasty-ass, whip-crackin' psycho-bitch. Hell no, motherfucker, I'm not doin' that.

CHRIS
Fuck you, you owe me. Hell, I figure about half the pussy you've got in your life has been directly attributable to MY WINGMANSHIP!

Actually, now that I think about it, this reminds me of some screenwriting advice I heard that makes a lot of sense to me. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, but most lines of dialog should be just that -- A LINE. Or maybe two lines. When you start getting into paragraph-length, you really need to start justifying why you're doing that. Keep it moving. Only slow it down and give someone a little monologue when you REALLY need to.

Another thing about this dialogue is how hard you're trying to keep the dude-insults fresh. There's way too many of them. Yeah, dudes insult each other, especially dudes who are close friends. But the extremly-rapid pace with which you're unleashing these quips are numbing. I think you need to tone it down, in a big way. Plus, not all of them are funny. "Douche-tits". Not funny. Makes no sense.

Also, too many curse-words. And that's coming from somebody whose first feature has a WHOLE LOT of curse-words (i.e. learned the hard way). Use them, but use them sparingly.

I hope you don't take this like I'm shooting it down. You've definitely got a great start to build upon, I just figured you'd want to hear my blunt critique. I look forward to seeing this come to fruition!
 
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I love you Cracker.:) Definitely not taking it as a shooting. Its good advice. And youre right, too much exposition. I think I get ahead of myself and want to intro the character too quickly and end up making this sort of mistake.

But douche-tits come ooon. Its funny cause it makes nosense.:)
 
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Flicker Pictures said:
Hey, that's great feedback up there. Hah! Screw filmmaking, just go on vacation.

Gave it a read, Murdock. Not too much to add. Lots of crass humor that could be funny with the right actors, delivery, and timing. I think if you shot what you wrote, just to have it in the can, you could easily chop it down in the edit, make it real punchy and tight. (that sounds weird, punchy and tight, but just using some editing lingo here ;)

Is there really a company that specializes in soap for prisons? That line made me smile because it felt so out of place, in a good way.

Can't say these guys are characters I would care about or find interesting, they all come off as douche tits, but I'm guessing that was the point. Probably for the American Pie fans or along those lines?

I hope you shoot it and get it made to your liking. That's what it's all about!
Click to expand...

Yes there are companies that specialize in correctional use products.:) They have a combination soap/shavingcream/toothpaste, one product three uses. Amongst other things.

Yea this is definitely a SuperBad/StepBrothers/American Pie type thing. Nice and low brow.:)

Thanks for your input.
 
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Mad Hatter

What is it about the format?? I wrote it in Celtix, somaybe it didn't transfer to GoogleDoc so well?? Or is it something else? I do want it to be easy to read.

As for the swearing. I did go through and put the word fuck in just about every place I could, in Stephen's dialogue.So I guess it is a joke kinda.:)

I'm glad you like the Chinese line. I put that one in there for me.

And I'm writing it as a feature. Why do you see a series in there?

Thanks again everyone for the insight. Feel free to keep it coming.
 
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It's definitely funny, my only question is, in your voiceovers what are we voicing over? You clearly have someone telling a story about what has happened in the past, why not show it instead telling it. Otherwise I like it it was a good fast fun read.
 
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I may be in the minority here, but I got a little lost with the Series of Shots. I am guessing that these shots are quick intercuts of each other's morning routines?

Also, why does Chris peruse through Stephen's stuff? If they are great friends, wouldn't he already know what he has there? Maybe he should peruse an old magazine or a new figurine and comment on it.

Ovreall, I liked it - it seems like you have a good road map. Oh, and the swing part is gold - absolute gold..
 
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arrodiii said:
I may be in the minority here, but I got a little lost with the Series of Shots. I am guessing that these shots are quick intercuts of each other's morning routines?

Also, why does Chris peruse through Stephen's stuff? If they are great friends, wouldn't he already know what he has there? Maybe he should peruse an old magazine or a new figurine and comment on it.

Ovreall, I liked it - it seems like you have a good road map. Oh, and the swing part is gold - absolute gold..
Click to expand...

Exactly, just quick cuts to show everyon e doin their morning thing.

He peruses his stuff just to annoy him.:)

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
 
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