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Need help with a line

sfoster

Staff Member
Moderator
This is the end of my short story script, with a mob boss talking to his enforcer

BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
Im not much of a diplomat.

BARRY
Then rule with an iron first.

In the read through with the cast, nobody liked that last line. One of my friends joked that it sounded like something cobra commander would say :lol:

So the mob boss actor changed it to "I don't need a diplomat"
Not a bad alternative, but I think it's too weak for ending a story on.

Raises the question, well then what does he need? And also I feel like a mob boss should be more direct about his needs and give specific orders.

So any ideas on what this last line should be?
 
If their names never actually come up, there's probably no point in actually naming the characters anyway... Consider this, in the credits, are you going to put your actor's name next to the name "Barry" ? How will anyone who watched it know who the hell Barry is, if that name is never mentioned? Might as well just call them Mob Boss, Mobster 1, Mobster 2, Goon, etc.
 
BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
Im not much of a diplomat.

A pondering beat.

BARRY
Dandy.
 
Ill presume by now the viewer KNOWS that Clark is bullet to the head kinda guy, his answer "Im not much of a diplomat" should be the last line.

< ... much shooting and Clark killing enemies, showing a complete lack of interest in negotiating, or taking prisoners.

Now some awesome climax where Clark overcomes hordes of enemies, takes a couple rounds and like the bad a@# he is, shakes it off and kills the uber boss with a 360 no scope shot while hanging from an elevator shaft cable or something like that...

Now the smoke has settled, Clark walks into this Barrys office....
>


BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
Im not much of a diplomat.

Barry nods his head, Clark scoops up the envelope of cash, nods at Barry, racks the slide on his pistol, holsters the 9mm, and walks out the door.
 
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