Need help with a line

[sfoster]

This is the end of my short story script, with a mob boss talking to his enforcer

BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
Im not much of a diplomat.

BARRY
Then rule with an iron first.

In the read through with the cast, nobody liked that last line. One of my friends joked that it sounded like something cobra commander would say

So the mob boss actor changed it to "I don't need a diplomat"
Not a bad alternative, but I think it's too weak for ending a story on.

Raises the question, well then what does he need? And also I feel like a mob boss should be more direct about his needs and give specific orders.

So any ideas on what this last line should be?

 

[GuerrillaAngel]

I don't want a dipolmat, I want Kim Jong-il.
Take "Tiny".
Grow some.
Do you love your kids?
Here's a bat.

 

[mus]

"I don't need a diplomat... I need a Terrorist.... Someone that strikes fear into the hearts of men everywhere"

 

[sfoster]

"I don't need a diplomat... I need a Terrorist.... Someone that strikes fear into the hearts of men everywhere"

The problem with this one here.. is that if i do a sequel, he will end up fighting terrorist in baltimore instead of being one

 

[trueindie]

This is not for everyone... but my mob guys might speak like this:

BARRY: I got a few of my guys in Baltimore, got busted with their d**ks in their hands. I need someone to go over there, make sure that kinda sh*t doesn't happen again.

CLARK: I'm not much of a diplomat

BARRY: Do I look like I need Henry Kissinger? I need a goddamn enforcer.

Like I said, it's not for everyone

Best,
Aveek

 

[Cracker Funk]

I'm just spit-balling, but how about something like this?

Barry: Things have gotten messy in Baltimore. I need to you to take charge and clean it up.

Clark: You know I'm not much of a talker. You sure they're going to respect me?

Barry: I don't need you to command respect. I need you to instill fear.

By the way, are you sure Barry and Clark are the best names for mobsters? Those names sound very WASP'y to me.

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

"I built this organization on fear, not diplomacy."

 

[Filman]

Thowing in a suggestion.

BARRY: Good. Now I feel a lot better.

 

[rayw]

BARRY
- That's what I'm counting on.

- If I wanted Jimmy-fucking-Carter he'd be standing here, not you.

- I find that Mr Smith and Mr Wesson (holds up two pistols) can smooth over all sorts of complaints.

- Yes, but a stack of dead presidents and a .45 can do that for you. (heaves and drops open on the desk a sport bag of cash bundles.)
CLARK - A half-stack would be even better.
BARRY - See. I knew you were perfect for this job.

 

[ItDonnedOnMe]

My first thought, before I even got to the part where you added it, was "And I'm not looking for a diplomat". I think whether it's strong enough to end or not depends entirely on the actor's delivery - there's no need to be more explicit if he can convey what's meant by that in the way he says it.

But I also really like ray's "That's what I'm counting on". I think either one serves the purpose - implies what he needs, without spelling it out. Personally I always tend to lean towards letting the performance say what's meant, rather than the lines themselves.

 

[Flicker Pictures]

BARRY
- That's what I'm counting on.

If you had to keep the other dialog and only change the last one, +1 for Ray's line.

But all the other suggestions are totally worth plugging in and seeing what works, what feels right...

 

[mlesemann]

Cracker Funk:

By the way, are you sure Barry and Clark are the best names for mobsters? Those names sound very WASP'y to me.

But if you want to work counter-stereotypes, they're good

 

[Birdman]

BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
I'm not much of a diplomat.

BARRY
Neither was Genghis Khan, but he got the job done.



-Birdman

P.S. This is completely unrelated to the "Bad Guys" thread.

 

[Birdman]

Thowing in a suggestion.

BARRY: Good. Now I feel a lot better.

...Not bad!

-Birdman

 

[Will Vincent]

Filman's suggestion was similar to where my mind went, but I'd simplify it even further:

BARRY
A few of my men were arrested in Baltimore.
I need someone I can trust, to ensure our operations in the city proceed on schedule

CLARK
Im not much of a diplomat.

BARRY
Good.

I agree with the names not sounding very mobstery..

 

[sfoster]

Thanks guys these are great!! unfortunately my body bag still didn't come in the mail yet. Never let anyone tell you that private section is better than government, because my mail didn't stop for a single day. meanwhile ups was supposed to deliver the body bag two days ago.

as far as names.. i mean the don in godfather was named michael. does that really sound more like a mafia name than barry? no one calls anyone by name anyway

 

[Birdman]

as far as names.. i mean the don in godfather was named michael. does that really sound more like a mafia name than barry? no one calls anyone by name anyway

You mean as in Michael "Corleone"? ...Have your guy be named Barry Balistrieri and you've got a mobster-sounding name.

-Birdman

 

[sfoster]

You mean as in Michael "Corleone"? ...Have your guy be named Barry Balistrieri and you've got a mobster-sounding name.

-Birdman

Yeah thats the michael I was talking about. I'm sure everyone here would have told me that michael wasn't mafia enough

 

[Will Vincent]

Michael is certainly more Italian than Barry.

 

[sfoster]

Michael is certainly more Italian than Barry.

Haha yeah. IDK what ethnicity my actor is, but it's not italian.
It's a new age mafia