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Logline & Synopsis Opinions and Help Needed

F

Firebomb

Just finished my first ever screenplay, and I need some opinions on the logline and the synopsis. This is my first time writing a logline, so I know for a FACT that I need help on it. lol. Here goes nothing:

Title: The Rich & The Shameless
Tagline: Leave your dignity at home.
Logline: After being banned from all social cliques and events by the most powerful student in school, a new kid forms his own clique of intelligent but reckless misfits who attract attention from the student body and a whip cracking principal.

Synopsis: Seventeen year old Ethan Penn, a born and raised New Yorker, receives the worst news of his young life. He, his widowed mom and his little brother are packing their bags and moving to Florida.
Forced to finish off his senior year at a new high school, Ethan accidentally crosses path with the most powerful member of the student body, Jake Ryan, who blacklists him from all social events and threatens anyone who becomes friends with him.
When Ethan forms his own clique of intelligent but reckless honor roll students, the war is on. Add interest from the school’s gossip blog, admiration from the student body and the attention from a whip cracking, up to no good Principal, and we have senior year at Douglas High School.
Cheating, lying, stealing, backstabbing, fist fights, and revenge are all fair game and heads will roll! Can Ethan and his shameless counterparts survive all the chaos surrounding them before they receive their high school diplomas?
 
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Ooh, I like it. I was looking for a way to make it smaller and simple so that is going the right way. Thanks =]

I wish I could have got more replies to this thread though.
 
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okay,

it sounds like a teen movie and pretty much formula stuff. I ain't complaining about this as reinventing stuff usually is only as an experiment for the established.

if I was a Hollywood reader at a botique agency and read that logline in the qurey letter I would request for a copy of the script.

regards,
Ace.inc1
 
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I like it. My only issue is the end of your synopsis. Will they
survive before they receive their diploma’s doesn’t have much
urgency to it. I wonder if they don’t “survive” before graduation
and they don’t receive their diploma’s; so what? Take summer
school. If by “survive” you meant the students lives are on the
line; that they may be killed, then you need to show that in your
synopsis. I don’t get that from what you write.

So there doesn’t seem to much at stake. Re think some of the more
successful high school movies. “Fast Times”, “Ferris Bueller”,
“Varsity Blues”, “Dazed and Confused”, “Election”, “Mean Girls”,
“Heathers”. What was at stake for the main characters in those
movies?

A little side note: if you want more replies it might be a good
idea to join in on discussions here. You have only responded to
your own post. We tend to be more supportive of people who also
support others. Offer your thoughts on the synopsis’ of others,
comment on some of the movies posted here, join in on discussions.
Let us get to know you a bit and you’ll find you’ll get more
replies. The truth is a lot of people post, ask for help, say
thanks and never show up again. The regulars know this and often
don't comment until the person joins in a little.
 
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directorik said:
I like it. My only issue is the end of your synopsis. Will they
survive before they receive their diploma’s doesn’t have much
urgency to it. I wonder if they don’t “survive” before graduation
and they don’t receive their diploma’s; so what? Take summer
school. If by “survive” you meant the students lives are on the
line; that they may be killed, then you need to show that in your
synopsis. I don’t get that from what you write.

So there doesn’t seem to much at stake. Re think some of the more
successful high school movies. “Fast Times”, “Ferris Bueller”,
“Varsity Blues”, “Dazed and Confused”, “Election”, “Mean Girls”,
“Heathers”. What was at stake for the main characters in those
movies?

A little side note: if you want more replies it might be a good
idea to join in on discussions here. You have only responded to
your own post. We tend to be more supportive of people who also
support others. Offer your thoughts on the synopsis’ of others,
comment on some of the movies posted here, join in on discussions.
Let us get to know you a bit and you’ll find you’ll get more
replies. The truth is a lot of people post, ask for help, say
thanks and never show up again. The regulars know this and often
don't comment until the person joins in a little.
Click to expand...


Thank you and you're right. I didn't know whether to build my post count before supplying out advice or not because honestly, I'm a 19 year old kid who is still getting the hang of screenwriting, who would take any advice from me? lol. But now I catch what your saying. Cheers!
 
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You don't need to give advice, you can offer your
opinion on topics.

You like movies, right? There are dozens of posts
by filmmakers asking for opinions on their short
films. You can tell them what you think without
having any deep level of experience.

You're a writer. There are dozens of posts by writers
asking about their story ideas or scenes. Even a
19 year old who is still getting the hang of screenwriting
can tell a fellow writer what he thinks.

So back to your story. What is really at stake for your
main character?
 
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Aside from the cliche storyline (Revenge of the Nerds?), you may have something if you do it right.

1. Why Florida?
2. "whip cracking?" You don't mean anyone is actually whipped?
3. Your synopsis doesn't seem to concern money or class, so the title is a mismatch.

If you go completely unrealistic (as it sounded the moment I read "whip cracking") you may lose the reader.

If you start with obvious cliches and character cutouts we've seen a million times before, you're toast.

Why do we give a damn about this character? If you can work that into your pitch, you'll probably have a shot.

Good luck.
 
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directorik said:
I like it. My only issue is the end of your synopsis. Will they
survive before they receive their diploma’s doesn’t have much
urgency to it. I wonder if they don’t “survive” before graduation
and they don’t receive their diploma’s; so what? Take summer
school. If by “survive” you meant the students lives are on the
line; that they may be killed, then you need to show that in your
synopsis. I don’t get that from what you write.

So there doesn’t seem to much at stake. Re think some of the more
successful high school movies. “Fast Times”, “Ferris Bueller”,
“Varsity Blues”, “Dazed and Confused”, “Election”, “Mean Girls”,
“Heathers”. What was at stake for the main characters in those
movies?

A little side note: if you want more replies it might be a good
idea to join in on discussions here. You have only responded to
your own post. We tend to be more supportive of people who also
support others. Offer your thoughts on the synopsis’ of others,
comment on some of the movies posted here, join in on discussions.
Let us get to know you a bit and you’ll find you’ll get more
replies. The truth is a lot of people post, ask for help, say
thanks and never show up again. The regulars know this and often
don't comment until the person joins in a little.
Click to expand...


I agree with his views . Though I am an Indian writer ,I hang here as I get many useful information .
padma
 
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GreatDanton said:
its the sorta thing id walk in and find my sister watching, complain that we should watch something else and then end up enjoying it more than her.

Good work
Click to expand...

Brilliant.

Here I agree with alot of the posts, yes the story is safe and predominantly a regular on the conveyor belt. But there's a market for this type of story-telling, hey, the majority of the members here won't be within the demographic of the genre, yet the advice they give is both sincere and productive. A prime example of the community still present.

Hope it works out well!
 
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The David Mamet Acid Bath

Dip your script in it and see what comes out:

1. Who wants what from who?
2. What happens if he doesn't get it?
3. Why now?

My Addition:

4. Why the hell should I care? (already mentioned twice above)


*​


OK, the war is on, but what are the exact intentions of each party? Give us a clear goal to get behind, and tell us what the enemy wants too.
 
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