Joke of the Day Thread

Dreadylocks

Dreadylocks

Inspired by last night's Prairie Home Companion's 'Joke Show,' I thought it would be fun to share some jokes. Since laughing is a great thing to do every day :lol: :D

All jokes are welcome. They can be blue, offensive, family friendly, anything goes*
*Excludes clowns and ventriloquists.

Let's start with this joke, don't stop me if you've heard it:

Two men are sitting at a bar. One guy turns to the other and says, "I fucked your mother!"
The second man rolls his eyes and says nothing.
Again the first man slurs, "I fucked your mother!"
Still the second man ignores him.
"I FUCKED YOUR MOTH--"
"Dad, you're drunk. Go home."
 
Very funny, Dready!

Ok, here's my shot at it:

A male mouse is at the bar. He notices a cute, female giraffe at the other end. He calls the bartender over and has him buy the giraffe a drink. Pretty soon, he slides next to her. They strike up a conversation and hit it off.

After a bit of suggestive mouse/giraffe double entendres, the two get up to leave. The bartender winks "good luck" to him.

Three hours later, the mouse staggers back into the bar and barely manages to drag himself onto the stool. His hair is matted, he's breathing heavily, his legs twitch and he can't seem to hold up his glass.

BARTENDER
Holy shit. What the hell happened to you?

MOUSE
I got lucky...

BARTENDER
Looks like you got run over by a truck...

MOUSE
Oh, right. Well, between the kissing and the fucking, I must have ran a hundred miles...
 
A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
 
A stagehand, a sound tech and a stage manager find an old bottle
in a pile of junk backstage. The stagehand rubs it against his
sleeve and poof! A genie appears.

"You got me fair and square, so you each get one wish."

"I want ten million bucks, ten beautiful women and a penthouse in
Manhattan."

"Granted." and poof! The stagehand is gone.

"I want a yacht and unlimited funds to cruise the exotic ports of
the world."

"Granted." and poof! The audio tech is gone.

The stage manager turns and walks away. "I want them back in ten."
 
This is the best "clean" dirty joke I know.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Mom and dad take their son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the little boy stands there and stares at them very intently. After a while the little boy walks over to his mother.

Son: Mommy! Mommy! What's the big long thing on the elephant?

Mom: That's his trunk, son.

Son: No mommy, further back!

Mom: That's his tail son.

Son: No mommy, up just a little more!

Mom: Umm... Aahhh.... That's nothing, son.

So the little boy stares at the elephants some more, and then walks over to his father.

Son: Daddy! Daddy! What's the big long thing on the elephant?

Dad: That's his trunk, son.

Son: No daddy, further back!

Dad: That's his tail son.

Son: No daddy, up just a little more; mommy said it was nothing!

Dad:
Son, your mother's been spoiled.
 
Dready, we must have been listening to PHC at the same time! The joke segment was SO FUNNY.

What did the doe say after leaving the forrest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again.

Or something like that! I'm terrible at remembering jokes.
 
FARTING AT TIFFANY'S

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A
BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT.

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY
FARTS.

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE
NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT
ANYWHERE NEAR.

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE
FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER.

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF
THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE
LIKE TIFFANY'S.

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM. HOW MAY
WE HELP YOU TODAY???'

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN
SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS
THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT -
YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE.
 
Q: How can you spot the dumbest actress working on a movie?

A: She's the one sleeping with the writer.
....
emotrimshotwd1.gif
 
A piece of string walks into a bar, and he gets chucked out. The barman shouts after him "we don't serve string in here." the piece of string is really upset, because all he wants to do is get a pint. After 5 minutes or so, he has an idea. He starts to contort his body and change his hair into an afro. He walks into the bar and the barman looks at him for 20 seconds. He says "Hey, aren't you the piece of string I threw out ten minutes ago?"
The piece of string looks at him and says "I'm a frayed knot".
 
This redneck is sitting at home watching TV.
His daughter comes in and asks to borrow the car, so the redneck answers "You'll have to either suck my dick, or let me fuck you up the ass".
Completly repulsed the daughter decides that it would be less humilliating to suck his dick.
She gets down to bussiness and says "Dad! Your dick tastes like shit!"
"Oh sorry, I forgot. Billy already borrowed the car"
 
pebblesdundee said:
A piece of string walks into a bar, and he gets chucked out. The barman shouts after him "we don't serve string in here." the piece of string is really upset, because all he wants to do is get a pint. After 5 minutes or so, he has an idea. He starts to contort his body and change his hair into an afro. He walks into the bar and the barman looks at him for 20 seconds. He says "Hey, aren't you the piece of string I threw out ten minutes ago?"
The piece of string looks at him and says "I'm a frayed knot".
Click to expand...

really??..........i'd like my 20 seconds back please ;)
 
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