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Found Letter - microshort #2

Adeimantus

Adeimantus

So, I've decided to do a quatrain. A series of four micro-shorts for the four seasons.

"In Her Left Hand" will be spring.

This one will be autumn.

I'll write the other two (winter and summer) tomorrow and post them together.

Title: Letter Found in a Deer Blind Thirty Miles North North-West of Carson City Correctional Facility
Genre: Drama
Pages: 3

http://www.politikonzoon.com/FoundLetter.pdf
 
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Dude...that was fantastic. The visuals I got were powerful man, this could definately become a serious full feature. It was enticing and the format was perfection. I could imagine a beautiful soundtrack to accompany it too.

Seriously Adeimantus, this is one of my top 3 works done by you. I'd like to give some constructive criticism but it seems impossible.

Enchanting, kudos sir. Gotta love Michigan.
 
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I haven't had a chance to read any of your material posted so far, but I've got a free couple of hours so I'll check a few out.

There was some beautiful imagery created, short snaps of description works, you've proved that.

I wasn't so sure on the prisoner being so verbose--I'm not suggesting he should be un-intelligent, but voice-overs, for me--I like them wholehearted, i hear a voice and i close-down, i listen to what's being said, challenging myself to see whether i can take in the imagery and surroundings. So when the guy is telling me so loquaciously what I'm trying to absorb, it feels as though he's walking around the meadow with a pointer and blackboard.

How it ended left me a little creatively hoarse, you lead me through beautiful scenery, took me on a journey in such a minute time-frame, to leave me and say your goodbyes at yet another beautiful location. I think with how it's been crafted, we're nowhere but with this guy who's writing this letter, there going to be the last words he ever speaks, so whether or not you show us the canyon or a derilict battle field now sprouting wild tulips, the audience is going to unknowingly remain in that cramped little jail cell as he utters his final farewell, hoping he murmurs some form of remorse for whatever the hell sins he committed.

This is how I'd have ended it, given how it's read.

I'd have lead this guy through the greenery, to a chair--the chair, his wrists secured with vines, shrubs, the chair itself glittered with exotic plants. While a bear pulls the lever.

You created an orb, successfully, that sampled death--that portrayed what would be torment and despair, into sublime surroundings, give me a taste of the bitter battling through the sweet. Reality standing its ground, piercing the dreams conjured up in the darkest moment.

I really liked this, I'll read a few more tonight.
 
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i'm not 100% what happens. i'm sorry, there's just a few words in there that i had to look up and i think the whole thing's kinda gone straight over my head :( totally all me and my denseness, not a reflection on your writing :)
 
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PTP,

Ha Ha Ha

Very funny!

And thanks for the feedback. (Sorry it took so long to reply. These threads fall off so quickly I can't keep track of them)

Cliche, sorry for the confusion. I will try to use smaller words wherever possible. (Stay away from kookabooros, one nearly pecked me eye out, mate)

Zen, I am flattered. Now if I can figure out what the hell I'm doing right, I'll be in business!

Cheers!

-Charles
 
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lol, it was words that i think are very american, like i had to look up boxcar (although i was pretty sure i knew what that was from the context). and the deer blind- cause i know nothing about hunting (except that i don't like it and let's not get into that) so obviously i wouldn't know what that was. but yeah. just wanted to clear that up- more of a cultural (for lack of a better word) difference than anything. (and hey, i'm not too bright at the best of times, so that's a contributor).. my point was, don't make any allowances for me. yes.
ps. kookaburras are awesome- it's magpies you gotta watch out for (in spring at least) and plovers. and cassawarys. and red belly black snakes. and funnel web spiders. and red backs. and trapdoor spiders. and sharks. and king brown snakes. and scorpions. and box jellyfish. and emus are pretty bad tempered too. territorial bull kangaroos. and like 20 other kinds of snakes and spiders. crocodiles. and those fish that look like rocks. and goannas (you don't want one of those to think you're a tree). and bogans.... yeah... we have nice scenery though.
 
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there's just a few words in there that i had to look up
Click to expand...


I have not read the story but I did like what this person said. I think it was Karl Iglesias who said (and many others in the past too) a screenplay should be easy to read. As if a junior high student could pick it up and read everything without having to look something up. I know there are some people out there in the film world who are good at the English language (or whatever language you are writing in) but, I for one did not go to film school to study the English language. I went to study film and how to tell the best story I can on the screen. If I have to put the script down to look up a word then I'm not reading YOUR STORY. You are making me do homework! What's more important, your knowledge of the English language or your story?

And trust me, when I read scripts and a ten cent word(s) is in it do you really think I'm looking up to see what it means? No, I first get stumped and the word has taken out of your story. Second, I get offended and start to think “why is this intelligent person making their own film?” I mean, they must be well off because they are a well spoken individual. Third, I start to laugh and I begin to decide if I should read on or forgetaboutit because I’m already taken out of your story.

Note: I will read on if the story is good.




Well I guess I just wanted to vent but take it for what it's worth on what I said. And since you are smarter then me, I guess I will not read your fancy script. :D
 
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argh! i didn't mean that at all.. i wasn't trying to say anything bad. i liked it- i thought it was beautifully written. but i have to look up words all the time. which is strange because i'm actually good at english, and i've loved reading (and writing) ever since i was a kid. i don't know why i have such a poor vocabulary. anyway this isn't about me.
there's nothing wrong with the language, i was just asking someone to explain it to me lol. like i said, i think it's just a cultural/social/individual difference (our vagrants generally jump on a greyhound bus, i don't know anything about hunting etc). please don't take what i said negatively Charles, i love your writing :D
ang <3
 
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Zensteve said:
What kind of bizzarro-world logic is that? :huh:
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I'm sorry, no typo.

Meaning, if the story is good and I have to read ten cent words throughout then I will. If the story is not grabbing me and the damn thing is filled with all these words I have to look up then I would rather set it down and move on.

I don't have time to do homework. I've got scripts of my own to rewrite, write, stories I need to produce, work for a living, women to tease and a life to live. I don't want to do homework unless either I'm being paid for it, I can enjoy putting effort into it or if it can make me money.

If that's bizzarro then chalk me up as a strange dude. ;)



EDIT: And insert, I don't think you were slamming him at all and I think its good you like to look up words. I for one dislike it and don't have time for it. I too have read his stuff in the past and I think he has a good handle on storytelling and the screenplay concept. I was just throwing in my two cents and peeps can take it or leave it.
 
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insert_cliche_here said:
lol, it was words that i think are very american, like i had to look up boxcar (although i was pretty sure i knew what that was from the context). and the deer blind- cause i know nothing about hunting (except that i don't like it and let's not get into that) so obviously i wouldn't know what that was. but yeah. just wanted to clear that up- more of a cultural (for lack of a better word) difference than anything. (and hey, i'm not too bright at the best of times, so that's a contributor).. my point was, don't make any allowances for me. yes.
ps. kookaburras are awesome- it's magpies you gotta watch out for (in spring at least) and plovers. and cassawarys. and red belly black snakes. and funnel web spiders. and red backs. and trapdoor spiders. and sharks. and king brown snakes. and scorpions. and box jellyfish. and emus are pretty bad tempered too. territorial bull kangaroos. and like 20 other kinds of snakes and spiders. crocodiles. and those fish that look like rocks. and goannas (you don't want one of those to think you're a tree). and bogans.... yeah... we have nice scenery though.
Click to expand...

Sorry, Insert.

And no kidding. I swear to almighty goddess, every goddamn thing in Australia will effing KILL you.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/wy_TB6onHVE&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/wy_TB6onHVE&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>
 
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Adeimantus said:
Sorry, Insert.

And no kidding. I swear to almighty goddess, every goddamn thing in Australia will effing KILL you.
Click to expand...

a) this is true and a comment made by like every international comedian who comes here
b) LOL! scared weird little guys = gold!
c) no need to apologise dude. unless you're saying sorry about my life constantly being in danger. like the way you say sorry to people at funerals.
d) how the hell have we gotten so far away from OP? that would be my bad. ... my bad :blush:
 
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Paper,

I doubt I'm going to be able to do any of these. I got a crappy little consumer Mini DV camera, and I don't have the budget to upgrade. I also don't have the time or energy at this point, what with work and personal issues piling up like shite on a pet-hoarder's lawn.

And yeah, autumn in Michigan is astoundingly beautiful.

Anybody wants it, I'd be happy to let 'em take a shot at it. *shrug*

best,

-Charles
 
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wridingrlm said:
And trust me, when I read scripts and a ten cent word(s) is in it do you really think I'm looking up to see what it means?
Click to expand...

The man who graduates today and stops learning tomorrow is uneducated the day after. -Newton D. Baker

But seriously, I think I get your point, you don't pick up a script with the intention of doing homework. I just would have thought that a writer would be more excited to encounter a new word :shrug: No offense intended, though :D
 
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