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Does this Scene turn?

W

wheatgrinder

Does this simple scene "turn"?



EXT. CROSSROADS- AFTERNOON LATTER

Lynn shoulders her pack. With notepad in hand, she strides down the left fork. After a few yards she stops, erases and scribbles on the notepad. She turns around jogs back to the intersection. She strides down the right fork.

----


FYI: By "turn" Im refering to the a value change. In this case I want to show that Lynns confidence has moved from the "positive" (she has confidence in her choice of road forks) to "negative" (she has less confidence in her choice of road forks)



Thanks
 
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I think that in this case it depends more on the acting itself. For example, this scene could be taken as she was not sure of her choices before but now she has found the right way if she looks unsure when taking the left fork but strides down the right one confidently.

Instead if she is walking confidently at the beginning, then stops and blinks a few times, crosses watever out on her notepad and then slowly goes down the right path with a worried look on her face, then you have ur scene.

Did i help?
 
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Thanks Ernest,

By having her external confidence appear unchanged, I had hoped to suggest a certain "know it all" -ness to the characterization. But I think I'm trying to push too much into this simple scene.
 
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Take two: (with some context)

EXT. CROSSROADS- AFTERNOON LATTER

At a crossroads, Lynn is looking at a map spread out on the ground. Her pack open besides her. She stands and turns with the compass held out. In panic she spins this way and that. She stops, breaths deep and smooths her hair. She rummages in her pack and removes a paper pad and pencil. She writes.

EXT. CROSSROADS- AFTERNOON LATTER

Lynn shoulders her pack. With notepad in hand, she strides down the left fork. After a few yards she stops, erases and scribbles on the notepad. She turns around jogs back to the intersection. She takes a few steps down the right fork. She stops. She looks back, then continues down the right fork.

EXT. TRAIL- EVENING

The road is mostly an overgrown track skirting a ravine. Lynn pushes a low branch out of her way. The branch snaps back and strikes her on the face. She reals in pain and lurches towards the ravine. She loses her footing, and tumbles down towards the darkness.

EXT. RAVINE BOTTOM- EVENING MOMENTS LATTER

Lynn rolls to the dry stream bed, coming to rest near a shallow puddle, she moans once and stops moving.

FADE TO BLACK
 
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Nice scene. And as for our previous conversation, i think this "She stops. She looks back, then continues down the right fork." served the purpose you originally wanted.

When r you planning on shooting?
 
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im sorry, to help you write let me give you some advice. just imagine there r several indietalk members peering over your shoulder, so uncomfortably close, watching every letter u type. they often go *tsk tsk* and snicker.

there, that should help...

dont say i never did anything for ya :lol:
 
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I was reading a book and it says that there's a difference between right and left. If your character is making a positive choice they usually go right as it's more natural on the viewer's eye. If your character is unsure or making a negative choice as it's unnatural on the eye. It has to do with reading left to right.
 
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lots of that in the world.. I noticed that my track shots look more "comfortable" left to right..

Tracking right to left just seems wrong, so Ill use it when I need to prep the viewer for something WRONG... but when things are right. left to right. lol
 
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Hesitation is tough to write :)


Maybe she 2nd, 3rd guesses herself? She starts left...takes a few steps, goes right, stops again. She puts her hands on her shoulders, looks down and sighs. She looks up again, a slight shake of the head and then finally takes her direction she's going in...pauses, looks at the other direction, then keeps heading in same, with a "I hope I'm right" either look or muttered under her breath....


Hope that helps!


Yea, I've been gone awhile....;)
 
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Tinalera said:
Hesitation is tough to write :)


Maybe she 2nd, 3rd guesses herself? She starts left...takes a few steps, goes right, stops again. She puts her hands on her shoulders, looks down and sighs. She looks up again, a slight shake of the head and then finally takes her direction she's going in...pauses, looks at the other direction, then keeps heading in same, with a "I hope I'm right" either look or muttered under her breath....


Hope that helps!


Yea, I've been gone awhile....;)
Click to expand...

Thats great visualization, but Im wondering if this level of detail is more appropriate for the actor to figure out? Thats what actors are suposed to do right? (thats a sincere question by the way)

Sure as a Director I will likely have to make these types of suggestions, but right now Im wearing the screenwriters hat and the screenwriter says let that lazy directory figure it out.. :)
 
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wheat,

I wouldn't post that - Alice in Wonderland 2 will steal it...

geeze stop nagging me!

Stupid screenplay in the way Got to write a few more pages... must.. finish.. type.. be.. fore .. pre-pro.. pro.. pro .. duction.
Click to expand...

BHTN. Keep going at it. (coolest new acronym to hit the web - Breathing hard through nostrils - I'm taking credit for it).


I think it's fine. Now you just have to ensure the acting shows what you want to show. Plus, you have cinematography to help with showing with she's lost confidence as well - like camera angles, handheld, etc. etc. Even music can help ya.

Don't get stuck on a script for too long!
 
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Thanks ROC, I need that.. Its moving along now.

Check the story so far. Ill bin any more rewrites of what I have in order to finish enough to get moving..

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=...WMtMzE2MS00NzJhLTk2MjktMGY2M2IwNjU2MzE3&hl=en

Im curious if you all think the EXT. SUMMER FIELD- EVENING scenes are too disconnected.. or are you getting that its a dreamesque thing?

In related news (referring to the thread about exposition and whats his face)

I think the entire EXT. BRIDGE CREEK CROSSING- AFTERNOON scene is pure exposition and as such shall die by my hand in the next rewrite.
 
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wheatgrinder said:
Thanks ROC, I need that.. Its moving along now.

Check the story so far. Ill bin any more rewrites of what I have in order to finish enough to get moving..

http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=...WMtMzE2MS00NzJhLTk2MjktMGY2M2IwNjU2MzE3&hl=en

Im curious if you all think the EXT. SUMMER FIELD- EVENING scenes are too disconnected.. or are you getting that its a dreamesque thing?

In related news (referring to the thread about exposition and whats his face)

I think the entire EXT. BRIDGE CREEK CROSSING- AFTERNOON scene is pure exposition and as such shall die by my hand in the next rewrite.
Click to expand...

Your director needs to pay your screenwriter more ;)


Yea, that was the actor in me speaking. ;) Essentially, I would write it as simply as "Lynn looks back and forth at both directions. After a couple of false starts and back tracks, she finally picks a trail and heads down it"

Does your screenwriter like that a bit more? :)
 
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Well not only acting can express the change from confidence to the lack of confidence. For example maybe when she takes the right turn you can do a dutch tilt as she walks down.
Another way may be having steadicam when she is confident and handicam when she isn't.
Cinematography can definitely help express these things in a subtle way.
 
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Remember the campy '60s Batman show? Whenever villains were on screen the camera was tilted to indicate they were "crooked." You could tilt the angle crookedly to indicate her uneasiness about a particular choice.
 
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thanks, sound easy to over do..

So, perhaps over the course of the scene, I start "solid, on the level" and as she goes through her decisions flip flops progressively increase the tilt for each cut. With her final heading down the wrong road being about 15deg of tilt (left or right?)

Thanks
 
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