2 4/8 pages of opening. Thoughts on making it better?
Google Docs
Hopefully, no problems opening that. Please let me know.
Thanks!
Google Docs
Hopefully, no problems opening that. Please let me know.
Thanks!
Last edited:
2 4/8 pages of opening. Thoughts on making it better?
Google Docs
Hopefully, no problems opening that. Please let me know.
Thanks!
I clicked your link and it only said "No matched selections."
I'm sorry but I think you can do better. It's going to take more than 3 words to draw me in. It's a good start though.
Firefox on a Mac and it won't open.
No luck. In my experience, which has been mostly here on this board, GoogleDocs is spotty. Never seems to work when people first post, then there's some tinkering that takes place, then it's OK.
I like it. One change I would suggest: In here first paragraph of dialogue, where she says,"...in the last six months that I know of." I understand what you mean, but it sounds like she is not aware of all the months. Maybe change that to something like,"...and those are the deaths that I'm aware of...." Something like that. But yea I liked it.
I like the premise and start but there is something about it that loses my attention. I think the conversation is very loose and redundant. There a lot of "... I'm just saying ..." implied. I'd rather they just say it and move on. There is not much to grasp onto with the characters. You know what you want the story to be about but I get the sense your characters are still only sketches from this short segment.
My sense is: "I've got this doctor who is forced to work with inmates. The inmates die and his other patients live. And people start wondering about that." And that seems to be all the piece says. An interesting premise but not really developed enough for me to be a teaser. The problem is not the idea, but the characters and dialogue at this point.