Does this draw you in?

[CamVader]

2 4/8 pages of opening. Thoughts on making it better?

Google Docs

Hopefully, no problems opening that. Please let me know.

Thanks!

 

[CamVader]

Yeh, the radio bit should be a VO.

The plan is to re-write this portion and then extend it out another 5-6 pages to get characters established and aim the boat out of the harbor.

 

[CamVader]

Time for a nugget: Hukom Kamatayan means "Judge Death" in Filipino.

 

[Synia]

Very well written, like it very much

Just the dialogues don't seem to flow, but everyone else pointed that out already, so....

But yeah, keep it up!

 

[CamVader]

Well, here's a re-write. Google Docs is butchering the format and being crazy with page numbers, but there is enough there for you folks to comment on.

Here it is, your thoughts are welcome and appreciated, as always.

 

[FantasySciFi]

The new draft is much improved. It gives a better sense of the characters and the dialogue is more direct. The paragraphs are a bit too cluttered. The dialogue sound a bit stilted in places. However, this is a significantly better read. Good work.

 

[CamVader]

The new draft is much improved. It gives a better sense of the characters and the dialogue is more direct. The paragraphs are a bit too cluttered. The dialogue sound a bit stilted in places. However, this is a significantly better read. Good work.

It's a bitch, isn't it? Seriously, having similar thoughts myself. Thanks for the kind words.