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Does this draw you in?

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Here's the quick answer. The link didn't work on IE, but did on Firefox and Google Search. I get the doc when I click on the link in your reply.

I hate when this happens!
 
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No luck. In my experience, which has been mostly here on this board, GoogleDocs is spotty. Never seems to work when people first post, then there's some tinkering that takes place, then it's OK.
 
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I like it. One change I would suggest: In here first paragraph of dialogue, where she says,"...in the last six months that I know of." I understand what you mean, but it sounds like she is not aware of all the months.:) Maybe change that to something like,"...and those are the deaths that I'm aware of...." Something like that. But yea I liked it.
 
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Murdock said:
I like it. One change I would suggest: In here first paragraph of dialogue, where she says,"...in the last six months that I know of." I understand what you mean, but it sounds like she is not aware of all the months.:) Maybe change that to something like,"...and those are the deaths that I'm aware of...." Something like that. But yea I liked it.
Click to expand...

Good stuff! I'm still too close to it to proof. Thank you!
 
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I like the premise and start but there is something about it that loses my attention. I think the conversation is very loose and redundant. There a lot of "... I'm just saying ..." implied. I'd rather they just say it and move on. There is not much to grasp onto with the characters. You know what you want the story to be about but I get the sense your characters are still only sketches from this short segment.

My sense is: "I've got this doctor who is forced to work with inmates. The inmates die and his other patients live. And people start wondering about that." And that seems to be all the piece says. An interesting premise but not really developed enough for me to be a teaser. The problem is not the idea, but the characters and dialogue at this point.
 
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FantasySciFi said:
I like the premise and start but there is something about it that loses my attention. I think the conversation is very loose and redundant. There a lot of "... I'm just saying ..." implied. I'd rather they just say it and move on. There is not much to grasp onto with the characters. You know what you want the story to be about but I get the sense your characters are still only sketches from this short segment.

My sense is: "I've got this doctor who is forced to work with inmates. The inmates die and his other patients live. And people start wondering about that." And that seems to be all the piece says. An interesting premise but not really developed enough for me to be a teaser. The problem is not the idea, but the characters and dialogue at this point.
Click to expand...

Fair enough. It's only the first scene, though. If I got you to page 2, it's a moral victory. Excellent points, by the way, and noted. Thanks.
 
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I like the premise, but personally I think you're forcing in a lot of backstory into the dialog. For example, "I've known you for 15years" or, "Your parole, prison doc," so for me I feel you're forcing too much info at us to the point that the dialog doesn't feel natural. Another example of you telling an not showing is the line "I'm freaking out!", an actor should be able to convey that without having to put it right on the nose.

this is all super easy to fix, the tricky part of story telling is setting up dramatic situations, I think you've accomplished that, the hard part. Just needs some streamlining and culling.
 
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There's a lot of small issues within the dialogue, easy to miss, but could do with correcting. For example, Nurse Lweis' first line "I know there is something going on" could do with being "I know there's something going on". Then "There is something very odd going on around here", same problem. I noticed a few of these throughout the script, and tightening them up could make the dialogue sound more realistic.

The meaning in the line that Murdock mentioned "This makes five in the last six months that even I’m aware of" could be straightened out with a simple comma to indicate a pause... "This makes five in the last six months, that I'm even aware of". I've also switched around "even" and "I'm", although the "that even I’m aware of" could be removed altogether.

All in all though, I like this and I'm interested to see what happens next. But... If this is the opening scene of a feature, it just doesn't feel right. It almost seems like there should be a scene or two before this, at the moment it seems like you're just shoving these facts at us, via the voices of these two people and the facts don't really relate to anything.

Perhaps the opening scene could be Nurse Lewis and her team trying to revive a patient, the patient dies, Nurse Lewis asks "Who was overseeing this mans treatment?", somebody checks the charts and replies "Doctor Kamatayan", BAM!, we're into this scene. Of course, you may have already done this... there's a number 3 at the top of every page on the doc...

Good start though, hope to see more!
 
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What a great response! Thank you!

I was trying to get some, actually a lot of, exposition out of the way early. That is a balancing act and easy to tip. Thanks, mad hatter, all great points. This is my writing diarrhea method ;) and revision is where it's at.
 
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I liked it. Though I think that some of the dialogue can be re-written. It seems like some things they speak aren't things that I would think a person would say. (the Dr. speaks to the Nurse and calls her Nurse Barbara, for example and then a little later he just calls her Barbara).

Oh, and why do you have the radio audio cut as a wryly? Why not make it an action and use (Cont'd) when the dr. continues again. Also, with this - how mad is he that the Brewers lost? Does he slam his fist down and accidentally knock over some of the paperwork, causing a little more anger that makes Barbara put the iPhone back down quicker?

Though I think it has some potential and am curious as to see where you plan on taking it.
 
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