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critique Could someone read and review my script?

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Google drive seems fine to me. If you click that link it is right there.

I'd much rather host my screenplay than spread it around the net in places I can't control.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
indiePRO
It's a comedy, drama, coming of age tale about a teenager navigating through life. I would love to hear critiques about format, story, dialogue, and I guess everything else that goes into a good script.
Nothing about this is proper format. Because of that it makes it impossible for
someone like me to even get started on story and dialogue.

That's pretty blunt and harsh. But the very first thing a screenwriter needs to
do is look at and master the format. It may be a terrific story but as you post it
it is not a screenplay. Is it because Google docs screwed up you format?

Another thing that is harsh to hear is about spelling, grammar and typos. It's
best to not present your work to strangers without checking all these things.
Not so important on messageboards or texts or email between friends, but
if you want someone to take their time to read and critique it's essential.

Fix all that and I'll give it another look. You clearly put a lot of work into this.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Yes it is impossible to read.

Put it in proper format, PDF, and upload to google DRIVE. Docs are word docs and yeah, could mess it up.
 
Nothing about this is proper format. Because of that it makes it impossible for
someone like me to even get started on story and dialogue.

That's pretty blunt and harsh. But the very first thing a screenwriter needs to
do is look at and master the format. It may be a terrific story but as you post it
it is not a screenplay. Is it because Google docs screwed up you format?

Another thing that is harsh to hear is about spelling, grammar and typos. It's
best to not present your work to strangers without checking all these things.
Not so important on messageboards or texts or email between friends, but
if you want someone to take their time to read and critique it's essential.

Fix all that and I'll give it another look. You clearly put a lot of work into this.
Thank you for the advice I changed the format and website, so now it's good to read and be reviewed.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
That is not in proper screenplay format. You may think that is nit picking but it is not. To trained readers that can zip through a screenplay, we now have to strain and look around and hunt. It also hurts your flow because our minds will prepare us ahead of time for what is action and what is dialogue. And with yours, we think we are reading one thing, and have to adjust. So your critique is, this is not proper format. Study up on that first.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
indiePRO
Thank you for the advice I changed the format and website, so now it's good to read and be reviewed.
So it wasn't a Google Docs issue.

Format is essential. There are variations that writers can argue about, but
the general format is written in stone. You need to look up screenplay
format and copy it.

What scripts have you read?

Write only what is seen on screen: "Mary is Paul's Mom, and John's stepmom."
cannot be shown.

You need to correct things like "As John proceeds to walks he talks to himself in his head."
Write in present time - John walks. He does not proceed to walks. He walks.

Something you might want to try is not using camera directions. You are telling a story
not directing on paper. Give it a try. Can you show what's happening on screen without
writing what the camera is doing?

Your character John says, "My writing can't be condensed". But you need to condense
your writing. You over-write. It's a good character trait. It's bad for screenwriting.

Read five scripts. Read a few websites that explain proper format. Do a full re-write.
 

indietalk

IndieTalk Founder
Staff Member
Admin
Post a synopsis or treatment and we can critique your story while you study up on format.
 
So it wasn't a Google Docs issue.

Format is essential. There are variations that writers can argue about, but
the general format is written in stone. You need to look up screenplay
format and copy it.

What scripts have you read?

Write only what is seen on screen: "Mary is Paul's Mom, and John's stepmom."
cannot be shown.

You need to correct things like "As John proceeds to walks he talks to himself in his head."
Write in present time - John walks. He does not proceed to walks. He walks.

Something you might want to try is not using camera directions. You are telling a story
not directing on paper. Give it a try. Can you show what's happening on screen without
writing what the camera is doing?

Your character John says, "My writing can't be condensed". But you need to condense
your writing. You over-write. It's a good character trait. It's bad for screenwriting.

Read five scripts. Read a few websites that explain proper format. Do a full re-write.
Thanks for the critiques!!!
 
Forewarned about the format (or rather lack of), I tried to read the "better" version ... but it was really hard going, partly because of all the spelling and grammar mistakes, but also because the dialogue is tedious - mostly teenagers talking about nothing in particular. Yes, typical teenage conversation, but even though I scanned through it to the end, there's no story. None - just a lot of teen talk. If there was any comedy, I missed it; if there was any drama, I missed that too. There was almost the promise of something interesting from time to time, but every potential plot fizzled under the weight of the narration.

If you want to make it a "coming of age" story, I think you need to pick one single challenge this guy has to face and make the story about how he deals with that. This could be something to do with these articles he's writing, or something to do with the sports he plays, or something to do with the girl, or something to do with his male friendships, but it needs a lot more focus on whatever makes him "come of age" and none of the other distractions.
 
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