Bash my first screenplay ever

[BrandonWalsh]

Hi guys,

Some of you might recognize me as the guy who posted a lot of newbie questions lately in the forum regarding some of the technicalities of writing a screenplay.

I thought that nothing could be more effective than to post the first draft of my screenplay to get some feedback on this, since I have absolutely no idea what I am doing .

Ok, some notes before you read it:

- It was written as a suggestion for a friend who is working with very limited resources, that is it could not take place at a lot of different locations and have a lot of actors.
- Running time should be no more than 5-10 minutes, tops.
- It had to have zombies, or something similar, and some gore.
- It had to be in English. (English is not my native language, so it kind of limits me of course)

With that in mind, I present my first draft. My main line of thinking throughout was to mix the Twilight Zone with some zombie stuff, and cram it together in a low budget short.

Any feedback appreciated. Thanks!

Oh, and if this is the wrong section of the forum - Sorry! But I see some of you post excerpts of your stuff here and since this script is only eight pages in its entirety I hope it's OK. Oh yeah, don't expect any Shakesperian stuff, this is mostly just straight up fun and stupid .

Here is the link:

http://danielwressle.com/script/Chop_Suey_-_First_Draft.pdf

Fire in the hole!

 

[directorik]

I liked it. Your english is fine - in fact much better than many
American kids who have sent me scripts. The bit in the shower
could be quite funny if handled correctly and I thought the ending
was nice.

Though I think there is a slightly better ending that would wrap
it up nicely.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

The writing is good so far.

I like the idea of some kind of “zombie” being created that way.

Spoiler

If you go longer, I think you can flesh out a solid concept in it, like “Dine of the dead”, and maybe work in the old you’ll be hungry again in an hour bit, so that after feeding, the hunger breaks loose again in about an hour.

A few little things that you can tackle instantly:

1. Consider getting rid of words that end in ING in the action lines.
You only have a few which is great, but scan through and see how the action might read faster and shorter without them. Standing = Stands etc etc

2. Maybe double up the action into two sentence blocks instead of single sentences.
If you do this it might read a little better, or kind of let you see where you can actually get 4 sentences worth of action boiled down into two sentences.

3. Look for any “Starts”, like I think I saw “He starts backing towards the door.”
This could just as easily be “He backs towards the door.”

4. The door bell interrupts the convo: Instead of telling that the doorbell interrupts them, you could just make it happen. Some would do it different, but I would just use DOORBELL and have them react to its sound. Like “I’m going to starve to death if this mother fu-“ –DOORBELL- “Finally!”

5. To use a non word, look for what is “samey”, like I see a lot of “Leave me alone!”
Maybe mix that up a little with other things that communicate the same.

6. What if the things they read about a journey and success instead kind of foretold what is to soon befall each of them? I don’t mean it tells exactly, but just a little, so as to get the maximum use out of it.

7. Get a hook up front to grab us, and a punch at the end to make us say. "Ahhh, cool!"

Overall, nice job.

-Thanks-

 

[wheatgrinder]

Fun! I liked it. (suggestions above will just make it better)

What tool chain did you use to get that final PDF file?

 

[Graeme]

Thats impressive, I like how the story unfolded and the ending is subtle and allows for easy continuation of the film.

 

[BrandonWalsh]

First of all I'd like to thank all of you who read it and took the time to comment. It is very helpful to me to receive feedback from you guys who have some experience so that I know what I can improve in the future.

I liked it. Your english is fine - in fact much better than many
American kids who have sent me scripts. The bit in the shower
could be quite funny if handled correctly and I thought the ending
was nice.

Though I think there is a slightly better ending that would wrap
it up nicely.

Thanks, I am pleased that my attempts at showing the action seems to work to some extent. I was really worried that I would be the only one who could get what's happening in there!

The end could use one additinal thing, I agree. That final oomph, so to speak .

-A lot of great feedback-
...
Overall, nice job.

You are right! I thought I eliminated all "ing"-words and similar sentences but it seems I have not. In general I agree with all of the points listed and I will make sure to include those changes in the second draft.

I love your idea about the others getting subtle messages that would correspond to their future fate also.

Fun! I liked it. (suggestions above will just make it better)

What tool chain did you use to get that final PDF file?

Thanks! I googled for "Free screenplay tool" or something similar and stumbled upon Celtx which I've used for everything (writing, scratchpad, pdf conversion) and it's worked like a charm so far.

Thats impressive, I like how the story unfolded and the ending is subtle and allows for easy continuation of the film.

Thank you. I think this one could be made into something longer and slightly more complex, something along the lines of a 25 minute "Tales of the Crypt" like story, like mentioned above.

I don't think my friend will ever use it but I will none the less produce a second draft with some improvements based on the feedback I got, just to get into the process. I really enjoyed writing this first screenplay and hopefully I will enjoy writing my next one as much.

 

[Wombat]

It was compelling, which is something I can't say for most first screenplays I've read. More than that, the action as written portrays a pretty nice mental image of what's happening. Your dialogue is also very impressive for a non-native speaker. Nice job.

I don't get the first scene, though. I'm assuming he's the person writing all the fortunes (and, presumably, responsible for the outbreak), but what purpose does this scene serve? It's never resolved or explored, making it (IMO, obv) extraneous. Of course, it could easily be worked into a greater intro, or be made relevant later, but in the short as is it serves no purpose.

 

[barnaclelapse]

The writing is good so far.

I like the idea of some kind of “zombie” being created that way.

Spoiler

If you go longer, I think you can flesh out a solid concept in it, like “Dine of the dead”, and maybe work in the old you’ll be hungry again in an hour bit, so that after feeding, the hunger breaks loose again in about an hour.

A few little things that you can tackle instantly:

1. Consider getting rid of words that end in ING in the action lines.
You only have a few which is great, but scan through and see how the action might read faster and shorter without them. Standing = Stands etc etc

2. Maybe double up the action into two sentence blocks instead of single sentences.
If you do this it might read a little better, or kind of let you see where you can actually get 4 sentences worth of action boiled down into two sentences.

3. Look for any “Starts”, like I think I saw “He starts backing towards the door.”
This could just as easily be “He backs towards the door.”

4. The door bell interrupts the convo: Instead of telling that the doorbell interrupts them, you could just make it happen. Some would do it different, but I would just use DOORBELL and have them react to its sound. Like “I’m going to starve to death if this mother fu-“ –DOORBELL- “Finally!”

5. To use a non word, look for what is “samey”, like I see a lot of “Leave me alone!”
Maybe mix that up a little with other things that communicate the same.

6. What if the things they read about a journey and success instead kind of foretold what is to soon befall each of them? I don’t mean it tells exactly, but just a little, so as to get the maximum use out of it.

7. Get a hook up front to grab us, and a punch at the end to make us say. "Ahhh, cool!"

Overall, nice job.

-Thanks-

This is really, really awesome advice. I could actually very easily apply this to my own scripts.

As for the script I really liked it and definitely agree that your English is pretty solid stuff. I'd say you've got something well worth working at even further.

 

[BrandonWalsh]

Wombat, You are right about the first scene. I sort of agree with you that it is somewhat dangling about now, not adding much to the story except giving some information as to what is going on and who is behind it all. I will take your advice under consideration although I still feel there is some use to it, perhaps it just needs to be attached more firmly into the story somehow. Perhaps that man is shown, at the end, welcoming the couple at the restaurant or so.

Barnaclelapse, thanks for the feedback. I didn't expect to get so much positive feedback so I am little shell shocked over here . I'll put the second draft up here later when I am finished with it!

Thanks again all for your time.

 

[Dreadylocks]

Wombat, You are right about the first scene. I sort of agree with you that it is somewhat dangling about now, not adding much to the story except giving some information as to what is going on and who is behind it all. I will take your advice under consideration although I still feel there is some use to it, perhaps it just needs to be attached more firmly into the story somehow. Perhaps that man is shown, at the end, welcoming the couple at the restaurant or so.

Barnaclelapse, thanks for the feedback. I didn't expect to get so much positive feedback so I am little shell shocked over here . I'll put the second draft up here later when I am finished with it!

Thanks again all for your time.

First, I want to say I really liked it, I'm not into this genre but you still pulled me in and kept me reading until the end. A couple things I wanted to say about it:

Your english is excellent. I don't think anyone would suspect you aren't a native speaker by your grammar and writing, which only adds to my opinion of Sweden's (and many other nordic countries') education systems. Everyone I've met from that region speaks flawless english. I also think that not being a native speaker might have helped you with screenwriting, it keeps your language direct, and keeps you thinking about language while you are writing, some writers don't give it a thought.

Maybe you could change the first scene to them leaving a zombie flick and just have some banter or talk about zombies on their way to the house. Have them stop off to pick up the Chinese food on the way. Then just show them sitting down to eat it. It could work with the right dialog.

Hope this helps but feel free to ignore me completely if not Good luck!

 

[BrandonWalsh]

First, I want to say I really liked it, I'm not into this genre but you still pulled me in and kept me reading until the end. A couple things I wanted to say about it:

Your english is excellent. I don't think anyone would suspect you aren't a native speaker by your grammar and writing, which only adds to my opinion of Sweden's (and many other nordic countries') education systems. Everyone I've met from that region speaks flawless english. I also think that not being a native speaker might have helped you with screenwriting, it keeps your language direct, and keeps you thinking about language while you are writing, some writers don't give it a thought.

Maybe you could change the first scene to them leaving a zombie flick and just have some banter or talk about zombies on their way to the house. Have them stop off to pick up the Chinese food on the way. Then just show them sitting down to eat it. It could work with the right dialog.

Hope this helps but feel free to ignore me completely if not Good luck!

Thanks for your feedback! I am currently trying to incorporate all the good ideas and pointers I got in this post into a second draft.

Yes, the educational system here is pretty good but I think that one of the most important variables in this equation is the fact that we do not dub our imported shows over here, like the Germans or the French. This means that we are constantly bombarded with American and, to a lesser extent, English TV-shows which are only subtitled which really helps with getting used to a language. Of course, imported shows makes up for a huge portion of what is aired over here (as in most countries other than the US).

 

[Dreadylocks]

Thanks for your feedback! I am currently trying to incorporate all the good ideas and pointers I got in this post into a second draft.

Yes, the educational system here is pretty good but I think that one of the most important variables in this equation is the fact that we do not dub our imported shows over here, like the Germans or the French. This means that we are constantly bombarded with American and, to a lesser extent, English TV-shows which are only subtitled which really helps with getting used to a language. Of course, imported shows makes up for a huge portion of what is aired over here (as in most countries other than the US).

LOL. That is the exact reason my Danish friend gave me. You honestly couldn't even tell she wasn't a native speaker. Although after living in the US for a while, she did develope an american accent when speaking her native language.

 

[BrandonWalsh]

I've made some minor adjustments and would not mind some feedback if either of you have five minutes to spare.

Don't worry, I am not going to bother you and post all my screenplays (and their edits) here in the future, I just need a quick check to see that I am going in the right direction in a "technical" sense.

http://danielwressle.com/script/Chop_Suey_-_Second_Draft.pdf

I've removed the ING words from the action lines and some other redundant wordings like "He starts to...", and similar. I've also added a little something to the end and changed some of the dialog. I've tried to put my action text in blocks of two sentences for the most part and to CAPS sound that is generated off-screen.

Hopefully these made it easier to read. Any comments appreciated, positive or negative.