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watch Another 30 second short. The Shot

You had a good feel to this. Nice camerawork, good lighting design. Good script, nice actors. Only one thing missing:
I thought the story was nothing special. Even in 30 seconds you should have an arc. When she shot him at the end I wasn't shocked, surprised, and I wasn't affected.

1) You didn't give us any reason to like the guy who was shot. So who cares? One less douchebag in the world, right?

2) There was no run up to the shooting, no story threads pointing towards the climax.

I would change the ending and make it more subtle. If she kicked him in the face it'd be better. Watch the UK movie Scum for understated violence.

You direct well, you just need some feedback on the script + story.
 
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Thank you PositiveFuture (what an appropriate name haha)!

I deffinately have to work on developing some sort of character attraction/dislike in a short amount. Thats why i was trying to throw couple of lines (demanding for coffee, cigarette, and dissing a girl), to get some sort of dislike for the guy. Also, i thought maybe "director"s facial expression of annoyance would help as well.

Maybe I should have made it more snappier?

For self criticism:
For some reason the begining seemed to be tooooo long. Something was lacking in the "hate" buildup.. but i can't pin point what excactly.. maybe i'm just being too picky haha
Oh well, my next short will be a bit longer, and much more improved!
 
As positive future already pointed out,nice camera work and lighting. :).And yeah,it should have been more subtle and abrupt(the story).Nice effort anyway.Looking forward to more. :)
 
You have confidence in your filming but you take criticism well. I reckon that's a good combination.

character attraction/dislike in a short amount
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Developing both in 30 seconds is hard, essential but doable.

*

Maybe I should have made it more snappier
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I'd just go through your script using every screenwriters tool out there: Mamet Acid Bath, Save the Cat, Story story story, where's the conflict, whatever...

Since you have directing skills, why not submit a script to the script room here next time and make sure you get it right before you waste yr talent on a story that isn't fully developed?

Something was lacking in the "hate" buildup
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Yes it's tough to work it out. I think there was no conflict. The guy was just an out and out douche with no redeeming qualities. No conflict in his soul. There were no elements leading up to the girl shooting him. We couldn't see her struggle. No struggle, no film.

Sure there was a *fight*, but that isn't necessarily conflict/struggle.

The audience needs to see clues sprinkled in there that lead to the climax.
 
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Eh. I liked it myself. Hows that saying go... It is what it is?
Sure. From the description alone I pretty much summed it up but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. Nice technical work as everyone has said. Good job.
 
Yes, its done with t2i, and sound was recorded on a cheap camcorder's microphone and freesound.org (don't have a real microphone or portable recorder). I did manage to get a decent lightining kit from my friend :)

Gotta get back to writing my new screenplay, and get it into screenplay forum!

Again, thanks for watching and for words of encouragement everyone!
 
I thought the director was going to use the slap and pulling the gun in order to get something out of the actor. She shocks and then scares the shit out of him, and we see it on his face, and then she yells "CUT!" and we learn the cameras have been rolling and she needed a real look to complete her film. That's where I thought you were going with this. When she pulled the trigger and actually blew his head off, I was the one who was shocked. Nice work; hard to tell a story in 30 seconds but you've done it.
 
Very neat work.

If I had any advice it would be to give the dude a little 'more' to use in showing how obnoxious he is, but I guess that was difficult with the time constraints... Nice work :)
 
PositiveFuture said:
I would change the ending and make it more subtle. If she kicked him in the face it'd be better. Watch the UK movie Scum for understated violence.
Click to expand...

I watched that yesterday after seeing your recommendation. That was a hard movie to watch all the way through but you're spot on about how they shot the violence. I wouldn't even call it understated - it was just realistic and not overdone at all.
 
Hey man...great work! Tough to pull off in 30 secs.

One thing: I wished I could have seen her face just as she's about to hit him (from his perspective) because THAT IS where the violence best displays, I think. Not so much in the blood splattering all over the wall, but in her face ...as all those feelings of rage and hate show and explode in that split second!

Cheers, man!
 
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Thank you all very very much for watching my short movie! :)

The other day I went to check out my filmfights.com progress, and on the bottom of the page I see a little filmfights TV episode.. I click it to play. and BAM!! Out of nowwhere Erik Beck (creator of Indy Mogul) and Justin Johnson (founder of filmfights.com) are talking about MY VIDEO!!!!

I was just really excited to find that out and could not believe it!

Again, thank you so much everybody for all suggestions, criticism, tips, and ideas!


Btw, here is the episode of filmfights:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlmOjdf4B2g&feature=player_embedded
 
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