Im new to screenwriting but i have started this little piece here
http://www.scribd.com/doc/19477198/Red-Draft-1
any advice welcome.
http://www.scribd.com/doc/19477198/Red-Draft-1
any advice welcome.
-
Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.
A sci fi screenplay Im starting
- Thread starter doomedvideos
- Start date
My prime advice would be: write more -- a lot more -- of this before giving anyone a chance to second-guess or redirect you. Jam as headlong into it as you can because if you're not obsessed with it, who else will be?
There's not enough here to tell one character from another, for example. I had to go back and forth to check. But more important is: don't expend your energy on editing when you haven't yet written it. Keep going!
There's not enough here to tell one character from another, for example. I had to go back and forth to check. But more important is: don't expend your energy on editing when you haven't yet written it. Keep going!
Last edited:
Cheers guys,
The feedback was more for proof that I have writen somthing, I havent writen a full screenplay yet, its exiting I hope to keep going, just need to sort the grama bits out lol.
The feedback was more for proof that I have writen somthing, I havent writen a full screenplay yet, its exiting I hope to keep going, just need to sort the grama bits out lol.
From the very first page this is a perfect example of "talking the plot". Dialogue is too on the nose. And they all sound alike. Character is revealed more by what they do (action) and by what they don't say (subtext).
Example, a character says, "I am going to kick your ass right now!", and then just stands there looking nervous.
COMPUTER VOICE is technically another character that would require voice over (V.O.), so it should be formatted as dialogue.
And I would not capitalize sound effects in a spec script. But that's usually a style preference and not a rule. I look for anything that takes away from the flow, anything that pulls the reader out of the experience.
But you've started writing! Great job! Now keep at it.
Example, a character says, "I am going to kick your ass right now!", and then just stands there looking nervous.
COMPUTER VOICE is technically another character that would require voice over (V.O.), so it should be formatted as dialogue.
And I would not capitalize sound effects in a spec script. But that's usually a style preference and not a rule. I look for anything that takes away from the flow, anything that pulls the reader out of the experience.
But you've started writing! Great job! Now keep at it.
I dont supose you would mind elaborateing more on this, I need to grasp this factor,.
I don't want to speak for VPTurner but I think what he's talking about is: too much talking, not enough showing. It's a motion picture. "Talkies" were passe by 1932.
Imagine if you were watching this with the sound turned off. Would you have a (f***ing) clue what's going on?
("Jack" has a desk in the HALL? The guys come into the far end of the "long narrow hall," and are instantly nearby? Or is he yelling at them down the length of this hall?)
"Talking the plot" is especially common in television writing. It's sometimes even useful there, for shows that you can follow while not watching them because you're in the kitchen getting a snack or whatever. Or sitcoms that are populated by pretty barely-actors who desperately depend on the dialogue staff and the laugh track.
For feature films... not so much.
Verbs and adverbs kill nouns and adjectives every (f***ing) time.
Imagine if you were watching this with the sound turned off. Would you have a (f***ing) clue what's going on?
("Jack" has a desk in the HALL? The guys come into the far end of the "long narrow hall," and are instantly nearby? Or is he yelling at them down the length of this hall?)
"Talking the plot" is especially common in television writing. It's sometimes even useful there, for shows that you can follow while not watching them because you're in the kitchen getting a snack or whatever. Or sitcoms that are populated by pretty barely-actors who desperately depend on the dialogue staff and the laugh track.
For feature films... not so much.
Verbs and adverbs kill nouns and adjectives every (f***ing) time.
I think I get this, not explaining enough whats going on visually in the action right? just becuase I know whats going on maybe noone ellse does becuase I didnt explain it?
This is why I wanted to get some feedback earlly so I didint start the whole thing off wrong.
This is why I wanted to get some feedback earlly so I didint start the whole thing off wrong.
Talking the plot is essentially explaining things through dialogue too much. In the first page, you're exposing backstory and plot points all through dialogue. It's better to show, not tell. Film is a visual medium. Talking heads is for the stage. And the way in which they do so is "on the nose" in that they are saying exactly what they're thinking, going to do, have done, etc. People just don't talk that way.
A good exercise could be to delete all of the dialogue and see how much of the same you can reveal through visual imagery.
Example: They're cons, right? Describe an outfit or a wearable device suitable to your fictional world that gives a visual cue that these characters are incarcerated. Put some more science in your fiction, although avoid exploding wrist bands and collars since that's been done to death. Spielberg had a character that through 3/4th of the script was referred to only by "Keys", a reference to the keys hanging from his belt that became a visual and auditory cue (name the film for extra credit
).
These are obviously tough guys, so why would he apologize to that prisoner scum? More realistic and plausible that he'd apologize to Jack for bashing the prisoner and getting a sour look. "Sorry. Knee jerk reaction." And let the audience (or the reader) laugh rather than the character. Laughing at one's own jokes is a sign of insecurity. Unless that's a character trait you want to portray... The one who's laughing at his own jokes is usually the only one laughing.
Bad jokes, bad puns, talking the plot, and on the nose dialogue will get your script tossed in the round filing cabinet before the reader gets past page one.
But no worries. Writing is rewriting.
A good exercise could be to delete all of the dialogue and see how much of the same you can reveal through visual imagery.
Example: They're cons, right? Describe an outfit or a wearable device suitable to your fictional world that gives a visual cue that these characters are incarcerated. Put some more science in your fiction, although avoid exploding wrist bands and collars since that's been done to death. Spielberg had a character that through 3/4th of the script was referred to only by "Keys", a reference to the keys hanging from his belt that became a visual and auditory cue (name the film for extra credit
).These are obviously tough guys, so why would he apologize to that prisoner scum? More realistic and plausible that he'd apologize to Jack for bashing the prisoner and getting a sour look. "Sorry. Knee jerk reaction." And let the audience (or the reader) laugh rather than the character. Laughing at one's own jokes is a sign of insecurity. Unless that's a character trait you want to portray... The one who's laughing at his own jokes is usually the only one laughing.
Bad jokes, bad puns, talking the plot, and on the nose dialogue will get your script tossed in the round filing cabinet before the reader gets past page one.
But no worries. Writing is rewriting.
Last edited:
I'll agree with the sentiment that there's a little too much talking going on here, but it's still a really good bit of work so far. You've definitely got the right characters down for the right story. You just need to fine-tune the specifics a little, scale back on the dialog and trust the characters (and your own writing ability, of course) to develop themselves through their actions.
I am understanding this more now, I have gone back and rewriten and done some more with more action descriptions, I think it looks a lot better but I may need to go back again I think.
VP, The apology from Scott was not sincere, I was going for sarcasum there, I think maybe the jokes had gone a bit cheesy, I was even laughing to myeslf how cheesy they are!
I think the charictures I am thinking of are cheesy though, as they are from a anime film, and if you have watched any violent Manga film you will know the bad guts always come up with bad jokes.
But Scott is ment to be a bad ass, a cool bad ass, I think that I need to try get that accross to the reader with more action visual rather than what he is saying.
Cant think of that film VP,
This is all very helpful, thankyou all.
VP, The apology from Scott was not sincere, I was going for sarcasum there, I think maybe the jokes had gone a bit cheesy, I was even laughing to myeslf how cheesy they are!
I think the charictures I am thinking of are cheesy though, as they are from a anime film, and if you have watched any violent Manga film you will know the bad guts always come up with bad jokes.
But Scott is ment to be a bad ass, a cool bad ass, I think that I need to try get that accross to the reader with more action visual rather than what he is saying.
Cant think of that film VP,
This is all very helpful, thankyou all.
Not a copy of the character from another film but the basis of which I could visualise what kind of person I was thinking of. There are a few elements from this Japaneese animation that are quite the same.
Never would of got that zensteve
To master the art, learn from the masters. Read a lot of screenplays. Sometimes they can even remind you that that everyone has challenges. For instance, I got a hold of the original first draft screenplay for Jurassic Park. Michael wrote this draft. I was shocked at how bad it was comparatively speaking.
Of course, my early attempts were worse, but I digress.
Spielberg is a master of visual storytelling. Melissa Mathison wrote the script for E.T. See if you can find one of the original scripts (not the edited based on the final cut version). I have the first draft of Poltergeist (clearly written for an R rating - it's no wonder they had to invent PG-13) and an original shooting script from Close Encounters.
Collect and read scripts. It will help your writing tremendously.
I have been browsing a little on this site http://www.simplyscripts.com/ I think the scripts there are hosted on other sites. Im not sure which versions they are.
How do I know.
Well, when I started reading them, the Internet as we know it didn't exist. I was connected to the wired world via Prodigy and a 2400 baud modem. I got mine on Hollywood Blvd. Seriously. Hollywood and Sunset. And they were marked on the title page "FIRST DRAFT", "SECOND DRAFT", etc. That's where the popular screenwriting program Final Draft got its name.
But marking drafts and dating them on spec scripts has since fallen from vogue from what I understand. So you probably won't know from an electronic copy what revision you're reading. I have hard copies from a couple of TV series (e.g. Arthur Haley's Hotel, Webster) that have the multicolored pages to show the number of revisions.
Scripts you buy in book form are usually written after the production, not during. I like to see what's floating around the set or is fresh on a reader's desk. It's more "raw" and unrefined, often with director's and actor's scribbling. But even those in book form are still helpful.
And nothing is more enlightening than to watch a movie while holding the script. Read the scene, play the scene, and compare the written words to the director's vision and interpretation.
Look for the hardcopies or PDF scans of the hardcopies. Or, better yet, befriend someone near Hollywood and Sunset so they can scour the collector book stores (if they still exist - that was twenty years ago) for original pre-production and production hardcopies.
Last edited:
I think I may have to do with the internet as my source for scripts, I am in the UK and I am not involved with any film production company or group.
I did notice on the aliens screenplay (on that site) that the scene when burk visits her in hospital is a little different on the diologue.
Would be interesting to read and watch.
I did notice on the aliens screenplay (on that site) that the scene when burk visits her in hospital is a little different on the diologue.
Would be interesting to read and watch.