Your opinion on begining

[dlevanchuk]

What sort of feeling do you get when you read the begining of this screenplay?

Apologize for not proper format, but its only few lines, didn't want to bug you with an external link.


EXT NEIGHBORHOOD MAIN STREET -- DAY

Sunny day in the quite small neighborhood. Street are empty from pedestrian traffic.

Older car is parked under a big tree, in the shade, across small one story house. Moderate pile of cigarette buds on the asphalt on the driver side of the car.

TODD, 30s, married, in white shirt and a loose tie, observes the front of the house from driver's seat.

House, with closed window curtain, looks undisturbed and motionless.

Motorcycle, with STUD69 license plate, parked on the driveway next to the garage.

INT TODD'S CAR -- CONTINUE

Todd looks at the a photograph attached to the visor of him hugging MARRY, 30s.

Picks up the phone, and dials "WIFEY".

As phone dials, Todd notices small movement of the window curtain. His eyes squint.

He knows THEY are inside.


PHONE

Hello, you've reach Mary's voicemail--

Todd ends the call.



There is much more to it, of course, but my main concern was the begging of this short.
What do you think is happening? Is it interesting to you, and makes you want to read more?







EDIT:
I've created another thread with full screenplay here

 

[trueindie]

EDIT: forget what I wrote. What I wrote doesn't make sense

 

[Lucky Hardwood]

What I get from reading the bit in this thread is that Todd is married to Marry (Mary?) and that 'STUD69' is in his house banging his wife while he sits in the car across the street chain smoking Marlboros. What this tells me about Todd is that he is either indecisive or is working up his nerve to do something drastic.

As far as calling it the Main Street, that doesn't work for me because, around here, the main streets are the busiest.

I like the edit about him subconsciously playing with his wedding ring. It SHOWS that he is married in a natural way that I find appealing.

Does it make me want to read more? I'll let you know after I finish the full screenplay in the other thread

 

[FantasySciFi]

I agree with both Noob and Kinglis. I like your last suggestion best showing that his married relationship is important when he strokes the wedding ring. It immediately conveys his status but it also allows some openness as to if he's the 'other man' or the husband. However, I immediately got the sense that he was worried/jealous about an affair. I haven't read your full script. So just the short clip leaves open various possibilities.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Yea, seems a few missed that the STUD69 is the bike of the guy in his house with his wife.. He could be divorced though, with separation issues.. Later we here someone say, Geed dude, you've been divorced for like, 4 years, time to take off the ring.. " that would be very revealing potential twist..