Your opinion on begining

[dlevanchuk]

What sort of feeling do you get when you read the begining of this screenplay?

Apologize for not proper format, but its only few lines, didn't want to bug you with an external link.


EXT NEIGHBORHOOD MAIN STREET -- DAY

Sunny day in the quite small neighborhood. Street are empty from pedestrian traffic.

Older car is parked under a big tree, in the shade, across small one story house. Moderate pile of cigarette buds on the asphalt on the driver side of the car.

TODD, 30s, married, in white shirt and a loose tie, observes the front of the house from driver's seat.

House, with closed window curtain, looks undisturbed and motionless.

Motorcycle, with STUD69 license plate, parked on the driveway next to the garage.

INT TODD'S CAR -- CONTINUE

Todd looks at the a photograph attached to the visor of him hugging MARRY, 30s.

Picks up the phone, and dials "WIFEY".

As phone dials, Todd notices small movement of the window curtain. His eyes squint.

He knows THEY are inside.


PHONE

Hello, you've reach Mary's voicemail--

Todd ends the call.



There is much more to it, of course, but my main concern was the begging of this short.
What do you think is happening? Is it interesting to you, and makes you want to read more?







EDIT:
I've created another thread with full screenplay here

 

[TheNoob]

When I think of a main street I think about an empty street, then you said there was a house, so now there's probably a few houses on the street. He's outside his wife's house, probably still married because his bike is still there, and he's obviously been there for a while without her calling the cops. So this is a hostage situation?

 

[dlevanchuk]

hm ok. thank you!
i was going more for the viewers feeling that husband sits outside of his house, suspecting that his wife is cheating on him with another man..

but then realized that lots of people have different interpretations of what is going on ..

thank you for your input.
maybe i should rewrite it a bit

 

[kinglis]

the begining the begging

or the beginning

I liked it a lot, the begggining I mean

Edit: Yeah, don't tell me he's married, before I need to know. I'm gonna find out he's married anyway

 

[dlevanchuk]

Haha oops... thanks!
I posted full screenplay in another thread, check it out if you want to see where its going!

http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=34346

 

[kinglis]

I've just started reading it, but please... "TODD, 30s, MARRIED, in white shirt and a loose tie"

Why do you tell me he's married
No, seriously

 

[barnaclelapse]

I thought it was pretty darn good, myself.

 

[dlevanchuk]

kinglis: I think maybe its important to show that she is married (in film, it will be a presence of a wedding ring on his finger) to build the idea that he suspects his wife has an affair.

 

[kinglis]

then, just tell us he has a wedding ring on his finger... telling me Todd, married, with a white shirt and a
loose tie is a bit of a joke...
Anyway, I read it. It's better than good.

 

[dlevanchuk]

then, just tell us he has a wedding ring on his finger... telling me Todd, married, with a white shirt and a
loose tie is a bit of a joke...
Anyway, I read it. It's better than good.

how about "TODD, 30s, in white shirt, loose tie, and wedding band on his ring finger, observes the front of the house from driver's seat."

 

[kinglis]

No, it's not better either

 

[dlevanchuk]

you're killing me here haha



TODD, 30s, in white shirt and loose tie, observes the front of the house from driver's seat. His fingers slowly caress a wedding band on his ring finger.


What about that?

 

[kinglis]

Just find a proper way and moment to let me know he's married, or just don't let me know he's married... or better, let me know he's jealous, without telling me he's married.
Even if you write it in the script, think how it's gonna be visualized in the movie...
You write TODD, married... but how do the viewer see he's married?

 

[dlevanchuk]

"let me know he's jealous, without telling me he's married."[/I

Hmm you're right. Maybe i don't need to mention that they're married at all. Jealousy IS the main drive of the story, not his marital status..

 

[TheNoob]

I disagree with kinglis.

I think you did a good job conveying his marital status visually. ex: The photograph, the contact name, a visual cue in the house, and his motorcycle.

 

[kinglis]

Actually, the main drive in the script is... well I'm not gonna give that away to the lazy bums who haven't read it yet

 

[kinglis]

I disagree with kinglis.

I think you did a good job conveying his marital status visually. ex: The photograph, the contact name, a visual cue in the house, and his motorcycle.

My point is: Why writing "Todd, MARRIED, in a white shirt and a loose tie". Why telling me he's married, when you can show me. And he did indeed (the examples you mentioned), so no need for "Todd, Married..."

 

[dlevanchuk]

haha thank you for building up the suspense :-D

 

[TheNoob]

My point is: Why writing "Todd, MARRIED, in a white shirt and a loose tie". Why telling me he's married, when you can show me. And he did indeed (the examples you mentioned), so no need for "Todd, Married..."

It could serve as a writers note. Is the note necessary? Debatable, but is it useful? Yes. It makes it read a lot better IMO.

 

[kinglis]

Maybe you're right.
It just felt odd to me: TODD, 30s, MARRIED, white shirt and a loose tie.