I'd be really appreciative if anyone's willing to take a look at a short, 4-page opening teaser to a pilot for a series.
Any feedback would be welcome, but I'd be especially interested to know if it does its job, i.e., teases enough for interest in watching what follows?
Muchos gracias!
Any feedback would be welcome, but I'd be especially interested to know if it does its job, i.e., teases enough for interest in watching what follows?
Muchos gracias!
Code:
[u]TEASER[/u]
FADE IN:
EXT. MOUNTAIN PEAK, SOUTHERN NEW MEXICO - DAY
HAND-HELD CAM POV: DV quality, but obviously not a pro.
In profile, and watching something in the distance intently:
GABRIELA (Gabby) SANTIAGO (18). Long black hair, dark
complected, striking green eyes.
The camera slowly rotates toward a standard close-up.
Gabby notices, turns fully toward the camera and sticks her
tongue out.
Behind the camera, Gabby's friend, ZOE LOPEZ (19).
ZOE (O.S.)
So, how did it feel?
Zoe backs up so we get a medium shot. Gabby's in jeans and t
shirt. She sits cross-legged facing the lip of a cliff.
GABBY
What?
ZOE (O.S.)
You know.
GABBY
No?
ZOE (O.S.)
(sarcastic)
Your first big "O."
GABBY
Ah, that. Well -- you know how when
you take a hammer...
ZOE (O.S.)
(interested now)
Yeah?
GABBY
...and you lift it up like this
(motions)...
ZOE (O.S.)
A little hammer?
GABBY
(sultry and slow)
A big -- nail-pounding -- HAMMER.
With a dark steel head, smooth --
long -- polished wooden handle.
Heavy and dangerous in your hand.
ZOE (O.S.)
Ummmhmmm...
GABBY
(quick and matter of fact)
And you take that hammer and smash
the living hell out of your toe and
keep on smashing it. It felt like
when you stop doing that.
BEAT
Zoe turns the camera to her face. She's blonde, short spiked
hair, tats, lip rings.
ZOE
(to the camera)
You see the fucking crap I put up
with?
Camera back to Gabby, who's staring off into the distance
again.
ZOE (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Seriously now.
GABBY
What do you want me to tell you?
You want to know how it felt -- to
die.
ZOE (O.S.)
Well, yeah. To bite the big one.
GABBY
To bless the world with your
heels...
ZOE (O.S.)
To kick the breathing habit...
GABBY
Living-impaired...
ZOE (O.S.)
Definitely done dancing...
Both laugh.
Gabby rests her chin in both hands and stares into the
camera.
GABBY
It felt like a bubble.
ZOE (O.S.)
Like you were in a bubble?
GABBY
No. Like I -- was a bubble.
QUICK FLASHBACK: Gabby RUNS desperately through a field of
sunflowers, sun setting in the distance. She's winded and
terrified. RETURN TO GABBY
GABBY (CONT'D)
Like I was air, and there was
almost no boundary between me and
the world.
QUICK FLASHBACK: Far behind Gabby as she runs, a flash of
light, then the SOUND OF A RIFLE SHOT arrives with the bullet
that passes through her back and out her chest. RETURN TO
GABBY
GABBY (CONT'D)
And the slightest -- TOUCH -- would
dissolve me, and the world, into
nothingness.
Her eyes tear up.
FINAL FLASHBACK: CLOSE-UP of Gabby's face on the ground among
the sunflowers. The same tears in her eyes. RETURN TO GABBY.
From behind the camera, Zoe reaches her hand out and gently
wipes a tear away from Gabby's face, caresses her cheek.
Gabby suddenly turns her back to Zoe. She faces the view from
her perch on the edge of the mountain cliff.
Zoe stands and turns. She walks with the camera to a backpack
near a trail head. She takes a bottle of water from the
backpack and drinks from it. She replaces it.
Zoe (and the camera) turn back to Gabby, who's approximately
thirty feet from Zoe.
GABBY'S still in her sitting, cross-legged position, her back
to the camera.
But now SHE FLOATS TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND.
A garbled SCREAM from Zoe. She DROPS the camera.
CLUNK!
After the camera settles: Close-up of a scorpion.
FADE OUT.