TRASH - Short Script

Lol, other than the minor grammatical and punctuation errors, this would make a good skit to promote the song Childish Gambino - Redbone.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
Bump. I do wanna do a second draft of this, so feedback would be cool.
Hi, Mark.

Have you ever considered offering feedback on anyone else's scripts?

What I noticed right off is your dialogue isn't realistic. That first line of
dialogue is what is called on the nose. And when you write "(thinking)"
what does that mean? Is he not saying that out loud? If he is really
thinking those words how does someone watching the movie hear
them?

Same with "I'll listen to some music I guess." It feels forced and not
what I have ever said out loud as I take out my phone and fire up
iTunes. I got several more but no need to line-by-line this.

You can have characters do things without saying out loud what they
are doing.
 
Maybe if you fix the "grammar mistakes and probably some missing words", more people will want to read it. It would be nice if you make it as easy as possible since you're kind of asking for a favor. When I read stuff like that sometimes it makes me immediately stop.
 
OK, sorry I realize I sound like a bit of a dick now. Only wanting feedback for myself and not giving others feedback. My bad. Yeah, I don't know it just hit me that those "thinking" lines don't make sense. And yeah I didn't like that bit of dialogue either. My dialogue is usually better. Pretty sure.

I could just have him flip through his phone and show him doing that. That's what most people do. That would make more sense.

I'm not sure what tone I'm going for. Horror I guess. Nah, I think suspense would be a better word. "Get Out" is the only movie that I think of off the top of my head.
 
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So your goal is to give it as much suspense as possible?
You're not trying to make a commentary about black white relations like Get Out was?
 
In other words, you don't know. Before you start putting pen to paper you should have all the facts ready. The screenplay is the last step of an idea.
 
Right. It might help you to know what it is.
Why is he mutated? Was it a result of eating trash that was contaminated?
You see how that ties into your story? You don't need to figure out all the details & you don't have to even show a lot, but having a general idea like that helps to give it more meaning. It doesn't have to be that idea, it just has to make sense to you. Maybe there's a news story on TV talking about it indirectly, low in the background, or just something about an attack a few towns away.

You don't have much time in your short so maybe you introduce the figure right at the beginning. Keep him in the shadows, making strange noises, maybe dragging a bloody dead body in the foreground, with the burger place very far in the background. Maybe the same song's being played on the dead person's phone. He drops the body behind something out of view, we hear him eating.

Then continue with what you have. Then when Shaun goes outside, tease that out a bit more. When he hears something, he goes to see what it is, maybe because he wants to make sure his bike or car is okay. After he checks his ride, he sees the blood trail, he follows it, it goes across the street, then he sees a severed hand on the asphalt. He yells. And the yell makes the figure notice him & come after him. He runs back to work.
You set it up, then keep building it up.
 

directorik

IndieTalk's Resident Guru
Much better.

When you write; "pouring a strange liquid over it." you don't need to
write in the next sentence: "as he pours the liquid." We get it, he's
pouring liquid.

Please, please, please, check your typos, grammar and punctuation.
I get it; you hope everyone will ignore those things and limit their
comments to you story and characters. But we won't. Think of someone
asking you to watch a movie that made but there are scenes out of
focus...

I liked the little moment when Austin asks Shaun, "Why can you do it?"
and he answer, "Trash."

Your dialogue is better this time - they way people actually talk.

I like the ending.
 
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