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The Silence of Walter Sheltin - 7 pages

Flicker Pictures

Flicker Pictures

The Silence of Walter Sheltin

I shudder at the thought of chopping my wife's head off with an ax. So instead of acting on impulse, I wrote a short script about it. :eek:


It's not 100% yet and I'm open to feedback if you get around to reading.

Q: If you saw this as a short film at a festival, what would you make of it?
 
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I liked it alot. I hate clips that are good and leave so many open, unanswered questions.
This is like a short clip pulled out of a movie. If I was watching it on TV, I'd come back after the commercial break. As a standalone clip, I would be unsatisfied and frustrated if I saw it at a film festival. Maybe if you tied it in earlier somehow.

Scene opens he's shopping, carefully choosing foods. He comes out and finds a flyer under his wiperblade for a psychic reading. He removes it and there are symbols written on the other side. He looks about seeming them on other cars, shrugs, and tosses it in a grocery bag dismissively. Flashes to him driving home from the grocery. ... Picks up with the story.

Part of the horror of your clip is the sincere love they share, and then the coldhearted slaughter. Yes, foreshadowing is heavyhanded. The suggested addition--for a short--ties the beginning to the end. It doesn't answer any of the open questions at the end but it allows the viewer the satisfaction of "Oh-h-h, that's what that meant."

I really do like your short!
 
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John, thanks SO much for the feedback and detailed insight. Awesome.

I liked it alot. I hate clips that are good and leave so many open, unanswered questions.
This is like a short clip pulled out of a movie. If I was watching it on TV, I'd come back after the commercial break. As a standalone clip, I would be unsatisfied and frustrated if I saw it at a film festival. Maybe if you tied it in earlier somehow.
Click to expand...

What's interesting is that the director I wrote it for (someone in Vegas actually) had the same reaction. He wanted more and felt it could be the opening to a bigger piece, a feature perhaps, or a TV series, or part of one. The script is now out of his hands and I'm hoping to either make it myself or find someone else who digs the material enough to take it on. We'll see.

I've also been thinking about producing a series of these clips and putting them together as "Scenes From Films That Don't Exist". Simply to demonstrate some writing/directing efforts.

Scene opens he's shopping, carefully choosing foods. He comes out and finds a flyer under his wiperblade for a psychic reading. He removes it and there are symbols written on the other side. He looks about seeming them on other cars, shrugs, and tosses it in a grocery bag dismissively. Flashes to him driving home from the grocery. ... Picks up with the story.
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Neat idea! I had considered adding a radio report about a crime investigation, something regarding a headless corpse found in the vicinity... but the flyer angle could be worth a try, too.

Part of the horror of your clip is the sincere love they share, and then the coldhearted slaughter. Yes, foreshadowing is heavyhanded. The suggested addition--for a short--ties the beginning to the end. It doesn't answer any of the open questions at the end but it allows the viewer the satisfaction of "Oh-h-h, that's what that meant."
Click to expand...

Yeah, the horror is amplified by the fact they are so in love and she is so unsuspecting. Plus, the contrast of the dinner and sex with the dark turn of events feels icky.

I really do like your short!
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Sweet! Maybe it will end up a short film at some point :)
 
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I like the tone of the story. It reminds me of a Richard Kelly film, wherein the story is unsettling and doesn't make much sense because so little information is supplied to the viewer. I think the fact that the wife was sacrificed for a reason somewhat damns the husband. But I didn't really get that there was a head in the cooler. I know it should be assumed, but who knows? But I'd rather you be ambiguous about it than show every detail. I know I'm really literal-minded, but why does the witch lady at the end say she'll "tell his wife", if her head is in the cooler? This leaves a lot to the imagination, and is somewhat confusing, but I'd be interested to hear what you were thinking about with that. Good script, I enjoyed it.:)
 
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JR, I appreciate your input. :)

Yeah, the angle wasn't to lay the literalism on too thick as I tend to prefer a bit of ambiguity myself, allowing me to wonder, ponder, fill in the blanks... but it is a good question about "telling his wife". I guess my answer would be that the wife's head, which yes, is inside the cooler (!) somehow is reanimated elsewhere. Not sure exactly how or why, but the "witch" will be communicating with her spirit in some fashion at some point in the future.

Maybe when he opens the trunk and dumps the ice in, we see from a low angle him flicking some hair that is dangling over the edge back into the cooler. We don't need to see her face, just some hair would add it up for us. You think?

Well, as I mentioned, it's a work in progress. Great to get some eyes on it. Very helpful!
 
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Flicker Pictures said:
I've also been thinking about producing a series of these clips and putting them together as "Scenes From Films That Don't Exist". Simply to demonstrate some writing/directing efforts.
Click to expand...

This would be a great piece to do that with. You've got a nice diversity of scenes/styles to work with and it shows you can create a quality hook.

FantasySciFi said:
Scene opens he's shopping, carefully choosing foods. He comes out and finds a flyer under his wiperblade for a psychic reading. He removes it and there are symbols written on the other side. He looks about seeming them on other cars, shrugs, and tosses it in a grocery bag dismissively. Flashes to him driving home from the grocery. ... Picks up with the story.
Click to expand...

Flicker Pictures said:
I had considered adding a radio report about a crime investigation, something regarding a headless corpse found in the vicinity... but the flyer angle could be worth a try, too.
Click to expand...

You could work these both into a credit sequence, albeit a short one. Plus, if you wanted to make the Queen's power similar to that of a queen bee, controlling innumerable drones, for example, it would do some tasty foreshadowing.

Were you thinking of playing up the black and/v.s. white motif? I like how you had the hellish woman arrive in a black chariot but dressed her in white. A nice turn on conventional thinking, and something you could explore further. Maybe like Hitchcock did in the beginning of Psycho.

A minor quibble: Something seems off when I read the line "Gaze deep into the Secret!" It could just be a case of me reading it and not hearing it, though.

This seems like it could be really cool. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Another note: Nice job of working bedecked in there. :D
 
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All good stuff, Loomis! Agreed. That line does need a fixing. I haven't really gone back to tweak and edit much, which is why I posted, and so far all these comments are very helpful. Thanks peeps. : ) Writing is such a solitary endeavor so it's refreshing to hang the pages on the line for folks to gawk and gander and chime in. Much appreciated.

Oh and I try to use bedecked in all my scripts. If not bedecked then spangled. :D
 
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I took as many suggestions as I could and incorporated them (in some fashion) into the newest draft. You're welcome to give it a read when/if you want.

http://flickerpictures.com/tsows2.pdf

I don't know how or when I'll pull this off as a production, but I have someone lined up to play the titular character and he's jazzed about the part.
Anyone worked with or know of Bill Oberst, Jr.? We've been back and forth over the phone and emails and he's just a terrific guy - and a very busy actor!
 
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Even though you added some, it feels leaner. Very nice.

Here some notes I took while reading:

• Make sure to put any text in caps and in quotes. For example:

At the top, a bold line of text reads: "INSTRUCTIONS". Under which
is a list, too small to make out, but at the very bottom in
bold: "ALLEGIANCE PASSCODE: X73#N9-G34K".
Click to expand...

• If you want to show that one screen write: INSERT - PIECE OF PAPER ...or something to that effect.

• The sequence of Walter collecting the items would be written:

MONTAGE - WALTER COLLECTS ITEMS

-- a photo of Walter and his wife on their wedding day

-- a long strand of hair from a her brush

-- a colorful scarf from her dresser

END MONTAGE
Click to expand...

• I like the match cut possibilities with the match strike.

• Is the phone conversation INTERCUT or is one voice a V.O.?

• After you show the wine being poured, you could label the next scene with a secondary heading, such as:

DINING ROOM - LATER
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That's sort of preference though.

• The scene is visually intoxicating, romantic, primal, passionate. AND The room is still and quiet. : Could these be expressed in another fashion?

• I'm liking the minor changes in narrative and dialogue throughout.

• The changes you made in the dialogue towards the end flow really well, IMHO. Nice reworking.

Again, just notes. Good to hear you're pushing along with the project. :)
 
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Them are good notes, Loom. ;) I dig rewording descriptions that aren't quite 100%. Seriously. I'm always up for the challenge. Maybe this?

They screw. She screams. Silence. :D

j/k

I'll work on something.

Thanks for the read!

* oh, and how's THAT for a match cut?
 
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I'm liking it, the changes you've made really tighten it up. I like how you changed the cooler shot to reveal a tuft of hair, I think that gives away just enough information to "get it". The treasure hunt scene also gives sense to the situation, but builds suspense at the same time, because you wonder why- it comes across as a prelude to some kind of psychometry or witchcraft or something. And the woman's white eyes still freak me out. So I've been reading about adverbs lately-apparently they're poor-form writing-wise, so I searched for all the -ly's in the document, found a few-
crudely
neatly
nearly
visually
carefully
swiftly
gingerly
seemingly
intently(you wouldn't really stare distractedly, so it is redundant)
I don't know if that helps, but I read today that it makes your writing look better without as many adverbs. I found tons of adverbs in my recent screenplays. Just a thought. I like where this is going-some of the mystery is gone with the extra information, but it's probably for the best. Good luck on the revisions.:)
 
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Despite rumors to the contrary, adverbs continue to be a vital part of the language. If you read many successful scripts--movies and television series (Dexter, NCIS, etc.)--you will be surprised how many "rules" are broken. My point is not to be flippant but really, it's okay to speak English rather than a clipped pidgin.

The main complaint with adverbs is that they are shortcuts. "He went slowly". What does that mean? "He sauntered." "He dragged his feet." "He looked about taking in the wonder." Challenging adverbs leads to more visually evocative writing.

DEXTER’S POV: Rita’s eyes, searching.

DEXTER (V.O.)
If the eyes are the windows to the
soul, then grief is the door.

44 INT. GYM - NIGHT 4 44
A long PUSH IN on Debra’s back as she furiously works the
heavy bag.

DEXTER (V.O.)
As long as it’s closed, it’s...
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In this short clip from a production script of Dexter, you see furiously. Please don't obsess over the little things when you are writing a first or second draft; it stifles creativity. Just write it. Polishing is the bulk of screenwriting. And I could pull out exceptions from other production and spec scripts for highly successful movies and shows which 'violate' other cardinal rules.

Remember, the essence is storytelling. You need to craft good characters and a good story. The format is important but don't beat up your script because you use a few adverbs or few progressive tenses (I am ...ing). Just be conscientious about their use.
 
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Point taken, Fantasy. It's true. When we become slaves to form, we can overlook function. And as you say, the function is to tell a great story with compelling characters. Absolutely.

Guess I'm a stickler about the progressive tenses as I've been hammered down by many a reader, (working readers in "the biz") but when used sparingly they can work just fine.

What Katharine Hepburn says...

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

:)
 
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Sparingly is the operative word. (and adverb :P)
Having people help us keep an eye out for these stumbling blocks helps. I'm a lot more critical when it comes to a final pass for submission than someone's first and second drafts or something worked up for fun.

Get the ideas down. That's the hard part. The clean up, while tedious, is much easier. And usually in the process, it stimulates some more ideas. ... though that leads to more writing and clean up, but hey, that's part of the creative cycle. :)
 
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Promo poster with pic of Bill...

TSOWS-small.png
 
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