The Insurance - 7 Pages. Want Suggestions

[cjnixon]

This is a short script i recently wrote. I would like any critiscim on it but more importantly i would like to have your opinions on how i could add to the story? Or any changes i could make to add more depth?

It follows a salesman before and after apocalyptic times.

http://www.filedropper.com/insurance

http://www.mediafire.com/?o095vzwuc3jw5wo

http://www.mediafire.com/file/o095vzwuc3jw5wo/INSURANCE.wps

Here is the PDF file for Flicker and anyone else interested. http://www.scribd.com/full/46901465?access_key=key-woaywto7d89srtzefyg

Tell me if the link doesnt work.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Flicker Pictures]

Do you have a PDF version?

 

[Murdock]

Yea I'm scared to download.

 

[VPTurner]

It's in Microsoft Works format. I was brave enough to click on one of the links. Prepare to be spammed.

 

[VPTurner]

Okay, I read it.

What kind feedback would you like? Formatting, dialogue, pacing, characterization?

First and foremost, show, don't tell. The end is weak because of that.

Scene transitions like "cut to" aren't necessary. A new slugline indicates a cut has occurred, so it's considered redundant. Besides, the writer isn't the editor, so telling the editor how to cut the movie together is bad form (unless you're the editor, too ).

Regarding formatting, I would recommend this (it's free): http://www.celtx.com/. How your script is formatted is very important for making a first impression because that's what a reader sees before reading one word of the script.

And you may want to read this:

http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html

 

[Flicker Pictures]

I was going to use filedropper for a podcast I'm posting, but there were too many spammy ads to click. I'm looking into FileFactory...
** dang. same thing. too many pop-ups and looks like a pinball game **

 

[cjnixon]

Okay, I read it.

What kind feedback would you like? Formatting, dialogue, pacing, characterization?

First and foremost, show, don't tell. The end is weak because of that.

Scene transitions like "cut to" aren't necessary. A new slugline indicates a cut has occurred, so it's considered redundant. Besides, the writer isn't the editor, so telling the editor how to cut the movie together is bad form (unless you're the editor, too ).

Regarding formatting, I would recommend this (it's free): http://www.celtx.com/. How your script is formatted is very important for making a first impression because that's what a reader sees before reading one word of the script.

And you may want to read this:

http://www.nasa.gov/topics/earth/features/2012.html

Thank you very much for your reply. I would like feedback in every single department you stated.

Alright. Ive always heard show dont tell. How would i show my ending for instance?

For this i would be the editor. But still agree. Should leave that out.

I had always though Celtx cost money? Not sure why. But in process of download. Thanks.

What else do you think is wrong with the format thats blantantly out there?

Thank you for your feedback. Much appreciated.

About to add a PDF file download on Scribd,which i hate that site, for anyone else to download.