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Student psychological short film screenplay

J

jrhmy

Hello!
I spent three days writing a 15-page short film script and was wondering if I could get some criticism, comments, ideas, feedback...etc. before I write a second draft.

This was written with the intent to film it - with some friends - with zero-budget.

Here's the link:
http://docs.google.com/View?id=dg5ngz85_3cb4n6kgp

Also, share any hints or tips you might have with relation to screenwriting; I'm not in film school and have never taken a film-related class before.

Thank you,
Jeremy
 
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I like the story, Timmy’s situation is a decent drama setup, and the dialogue isn’t bad either.

I understand it’s a 3 day/1st draft (with informal production writing leeway) deal, but I’d like
to see it a draft or two down the line after some focus has been placed on tightening up the
actionlines.

Right now it's kind of like peddling up hill into the wind of many action words to get to the story.
With a little work it can be like coasting down hill through the story, with the wind of fewer, shorter,
more effective actionlines at one's back.

-Thanks-
 
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Buddy Greenfield said:
I like the story, Timmy’s situation is a decent drama setup, and the dialogue isn’t bad either.

I understand it’s a 3 day/1st draft (with informal production writing leeway) deal, but I’d like
to see it a draft or two down the line after some focus has been placed on tightening up the
actionlines.

Right now it's kind of like peddling up hill into the wind of many action words to get to the story.
With a little work it can be like coasting down hill through the story, with the wind of fewer, shorter,
more effective actionlines at one's back.

-Thanks-
Click to expand...

Thank you - actually, I've received similar comments regarding the main focus of the story. Right now, it's somewhat unclear as to what perspective the viewers should take. My original aim was to experiment with the shift of the short film's primary character, and to play with the main character's believability towards the audience.

I intend to add a short narration from Timmy at the end of the film, implying that our original narrator's room is actually his own. And relate this with the narrator's opinion on how people tend to add and take away from their own backstories (and how his behavior is merely a form of that).

Really, the whole idea is to confuse the viewers and let them decide who is the one with the mental issues. I'll work on a second draft soon.

Thanks!
 
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Nice first draft.

Hey, Iv never tried Google Docs before. I just tried and upload and share of a PDF and my page looks nothing like yours. Is there any way to turn off the DOWNLOAD link for viewers?

Thanks
 
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You’re welcome.

Timmy’s relationship with the Girl is one of those windows into the strange that I wish I had thought of.
It would be nice to see you maximize Timmy as ‘monkey in the middle’ of the truth AND the consequences of the truth, so we can witness his sanity ground down between a rock and a hard place. Thinking of the Girl coming up with things like "Friday is our Anniversary!" or "Let's have a baby!" is like a car accident you just can't look away from.

-Thanks-
 
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wheatgrinder said:
Nice first draft.

Hey, Iv never tried Google Docs before. I just tried and upload and share of a PDF and my page looks nothing like yours. Is there any way to turn off the DOWNLOAD link for viewers?

Thanks
Click to expand...

The version I uploaded was a .txt file (Final Draft 8 doesn't export to PDF - I wish they did). I remember uploading PDF files a while ago and they looked quite different. My guess would be that Google Docs has a new way of displaying text and PDF files, so try exporting your script to .txt and then upload. I might be wrong, but give it a try!

Buddy Greenfield said:
You’re welcome.

Timmy’s relationship with the Girl is one of those windows into the strange that I wish I had thought of.
It would be nice to see you maximize Timmy as ‘monkey in the middle’ of the truth AND the consequences of the truth, so we can witness his sanity ground down between a rock and a hard place. Thinking of the Girl coming up with things like "Friday is our Anniversary!" or "Let's have a baby!" is like a car accident you just can't look away from.

-Thanks-
Click to expand...

Right now, I'm thinking of ways to bring up this awkwardness for Timmy while preventing viewers from thinking it as incest. The thing is, because of the girl's assumed mental disability, she doesn't remember too clearly, thus being unable to identify people she share a relationship with. It's also supposed to be new for Timmy (he didn't know that the girl thought of him as a boyfriend).

So really, the situation is that the girl likes Timmy, and doesn't know that they are related. Her brother loves her too, but only in a brotherly way, and because of reasons unknown to him, he cannot reveal their family connection, and naturally tries hide his normal affection. The girl takes this the wrong way, imagining that he doesn't love her, and kills herself. This leads to Timmy's perpetual guilt.

Of course, it is implied that the whole idea is only part of Timmy's imagination as a source of amusement. It isn't clear as to whether the girl exists or not, and parts of the script demonstrate the process of Timmy perfecting this little story (the facts of Elesiah the witch are inconsistent as soon as he puts himself in the story, and the girl is often referred to with a different yet similar name: Elysia, Elesiah, Elisa).
 
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It was clear to me from reading it that it wasn’t incestuous at all. She just for whatever reason thinks he is her boyfriend, and he is in the horrible position of not being able to reveal to her the truth, perhaps for her own good.

I tend to see things for what they could be to me, and in that manner I see a nice trapped in personal hell set-up (for Timmy) that can be played upon so we experience Timmy squirm more and more. I would let him squirm to the point that she actually kisses him and POOF! It breaks the chains of a condition (State of illness) HE was in, and she really is his girlfriend. The other characters can be like a Wiz of Oz (“But it wasn’t a dream!”) approach, so like some mysterious men in black types were really the doctors coming in and out, and who he thought was his sister’s nurse is really his true sister and some shadowy entity was really his own reflection which was a truth he was denying in his “illness”.

Granted, the “It was all a dream” angle can be a let down, but if the dialogue was constructed in a way that things seemed one thing, but were in fact another, then it could fly.

-Thanks-
 
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Call it what you want, but there is a romantic relationship between brother and sisters going on. Sure in this case the relationship is tilted to one side, but thats a rather common state of affairs when it comes to love. We know that Timmy sister has arguably inappropriate feelings or him, so why hasn't he corrected her of this error already? If he had told here some time back the truth, then he wouldn't be in the current situation. So Timmy at SOME LEVEL has these feelings too or he would have told here long ago. Sure, you can construct an elaborate explanation that explains why this is NOT the case, but you'd be Lying. (Lying with a Capital L as in the opposite of Truth with a capital T) I hate to say it but there is a universal truth to this perversion.
 
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wheatgrinder said:
Nice first draft.

Hey, Iv never tried Google Docs before. I just tried and upload and share of a PDF and my page looks nothing like yours. Is there any way to turn off the DOWNLOAD link for viewers?

Thanks
Click to expand...

When you upload a PDF on Google Docs, UNCHECK "Convert documents, presentations, and spreadsheets to the corresponding Google Docs formats." so that it remains a PDF with its original formatting.

When you want to share it with people, you can either give them a link, which means they can pass it on to others, and choose whether or not they can edit a document (though that would depend on the PDF, I believe). You can also invite them via email and choose to require that they be logged in, or not. I'm not sure if the "Download" link shows up for anyone with the link, or just to you, but some peple may not have the ability to view PDF's within a browser and need to download it. Either way, make sure you set your security setting high when you create the PDF. If you uncheck having Google convert the PDF, all its settings will be in place. I usually prohibit anyone from printing or copying, and always require a password if anyone tries to change those settings.
 
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jrhmy said:
The version I uploaded was a .txt file (Final Draft 8 doesn't export to PDF - I wish they did). I remember uploading PDF files a while ago and they looked quite different. My guess would be that Google Docs has a new way of displaying text and PDF files, so try exporting your script to .txt and then upload. I might be wrong, but give it a try!

...
Click to expand...

Now that's a step backwards. I have Final Draft 7, and it exports just fine ("Save as PDF" from the File menu). One less reason to upgrade.

An alternative is to get PDF Complete. Then you can "print" to PDF.

EDIT: Final Draft 8 can supposedly print to PDF already (lower left of this image for PDF options):

Printing and PDF Options
Greater flexibility, more options and improved printing interface put you in the driver seat. Now, not only can you print your script in its entirety, you can choose which sets of revisions you want to print and you can print other views such as the Scene View and Index Cards. We’ve added the ability for you to print directly on 3x5 or 4x6 index cards and print your script directly to PDF so you can decide whether to send a full script or subset of pages to someone via PDF. The Title Page is also conveniently available as an option to include in your PDF or printed output.
Click to expand...

fd8-PrintPDF-Options-med.jpg
 
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Buddy Greenfield said:
I would let him squirm to the point that she actually kisses him and POOF! It breaks the chains of a condition (State of illness) HE was in, and she really is his girlfriend.
Click to expand...

I like that! Thank you for opening up more possibilities and ways to allow the story to unfold. I'll keep thinking.

wheatgrinder said:
We know that Timmy sister has arguably inappropriate feelings or him, so why hasn't he corrected her of this error already? If he had told here some time back the truth, then he wouldn't be in the current situation.
Click to expand...

Actually, the situation is that for some reason, the girl thinks Timmy is her boyfriend. Timmy only learns then, when he enters the story, that she views him that way. And she only feels that way because she presumably has mental issues, and isn't focused in reality after seven years of solitude.

He doesn't correct her of this error because he isn't close with her, despite her being his sister. Perhaps due to her illness, he was never successful in becoming close with her. Also, he is "sent" there by two unknown speakers (it's suggested that he belongs to a group of thieves, and is sent to steal from his psychotic sister's home), who told him it will destroy their plans of stealing, if he were to reveal his identity to her at that time.

So, he tries to ignore this and clarifies his position indirectly through a breakup with his sister. Only to fail and have her commit suicide, leading to his guilt.

VPTurner said:
EDIT: Final Draft 8 can supposedly print to PDF already (lower left of this image for PDF options):
Click to expand...

Thanks! I didn't do enough research. Also, a new update allows a "save to PDF" option right under "file".
 
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Oops, I missed the kiss the 1st time I read it, that IS just wrong. lol

The gold here to me is Timmy’s predicament, if used right it could be complicated, funny and heartbreaking.

I would rewrite this into a story about a girl in a mental institution who is surprisingly jolted from some catatonic state when visited for the 1st time by her brother. A brother she thinks is her boyfriend, and a brother Doctor’s advise not to shatter her illusion for fear of losing the unexpected ground gained in her suddenly improved condition.

Then you have Timmy in one messed up situation. He can squirm from her advances, have to make things up, pretend he remembers times they shared together and maybe in the end has to tell her that her beloved boyfriend is really the reason she is sitting in an institution with a bullet fragment lodged in her brain.

-Thanks-
 
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jrhmy said:
I like that! Thank you for opening up more possibilities and ways to allow the story to unfold. I'll keep thinking.



Actually, the situation is that for some reason, the girl thinks Timmy is her boyfriend. Timmy only learns then, when he enters the story, that she views him that way. And she only feels that way because she presumably has mental issues, and isn't focused in reality after seven years of solitude.

He doesn't correct her of this error because he isn't close with her, despite her being his sister. Perhaps due to her illness, he was never successful in becoming close with her. Also, he is "sent" there by two unknown speakers (it's suggested that he belongs to a group of thieves, and is sent to steal from his psychotic sister's home), who told him it will destroy their plans of stealing, if he were to reveal his identity to her at that time.

So, he tries to ignore this and clarifies his position indirectly through a breakup with his sister. Only to fail and have her commit suicide, leading to his guilt.



Thanks! I didn't do enough research. Also, a new update allows a "save to PDF" option right under "file".
Click to expand...

First its your story, have fun with it! Im just sayin what "I" think, which is exactly worth what you paid for it ;)

Second, you made my point :) In order to explain why this is NOT insest you had to construct an elaborate back story. Thats all I say on the matter, lest folks start thinkin I have "issues!" Which I assure you I do, but not along THESE particular lines of perversion.
 
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