• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

critique Short script

Besides the academics of writing a script, I think quite a bit can be learned by analyzing, critiquing, and even tearing apart scripts that others have written.

I've never done this before but I would like to offer one of my short scripts that I wrote back in 2009. I discovered it while browsing through my file. It made me laugh...

Since I've criticized other's scripts on this board, I think it's only fair to open myself up to some criticism as well. There are thinks I wrote then that I would change today, but that's true of life in general, don't you think?

Also, I have no plans to ever produce this script nor will I ever develop it into anything more than what it is. If it interests anyone who would like to produce it in some fashion, be my guest. I'll even put that in writing if you like. All I would want in return is a copy and a screen credit as the 'original script' author.

Enjoy, and let me know what you think.
Scorned- copyright James Rogers
 
Last edited:
I agree. I should not have told you what someone is thinking. That's something best left to books. Books tell. Movies show.

I think we know why he is breaking up with her. It's his own insecurities. I don't think the specific reason is important. Maybe he didn't like the way she cooked the spaghetti that night. Maybe if we want to get clinical about him, we could suspect that he has a borderline personality disorder or maybe he's just a cruel player who found himself in unfamiliar territory when he developed feeling for Linda. What we don't know is why she loved him so much. We only have clues about her personality. Although it was meant to be absurd, she allowed him to give her a birthday present that she was paying for. That says something about her and how she feels about herself..... but that's only if you choose to analyse it. On the surface it's about a jerk who mistreats a woman then pays for it in a very macabre way. It's meant to be tongue in cheek.

Thanks for the comments!
 
I don't think the specific reason is important.
I'm telling you as a reader i was frustrated, and then you completely dismissed my experience as unimportant lol.
He has this woman that totally loves him and is devoted to him and they've been tg for who knows how long and we don't even know WHY the whole script is even happening. when stuff like this happens in a book i just put it down and read something else.
 
Last edited:
when stuff like this happens in a book i just put it down and read something else.
This isn't a book. It's a script.
The opening scene between Vinnie and Linda is a reenactment from Vinnie's point of view. It's how he remembers it. You're right; even his friends don't know why he broke up with her. They aren't satisfied with his answer, just like you. He tries again to answer them and the best he can come up with is that "she's too nice". If you want to analyse it, his answer is really a reflection on himself. He doesn't feel he deserves her. He goes on to say that he rejected her before she rejected him. Something he felt was inevitable. Again, that's only if you want to to analyse something that is not meant to be taken too seriously. It's a black comedy told under the umbrella of horror. You might find a story like this on Creepshow.
 
It did remind me of an episode of Creepshow. It was a bit predictable for me, but I have read a lot of similar stories.

Vinnie does come off as one dimensional, and it's longer than it needs to be, but otherwise, a good effort.

ok, so on casting -

Vinnie would be Christopher McDonald
1665967485135.png

Linda would be Rebecca Furgeson (though she may have priced herself out of tv with that recent Hugh Jackman movie)
1665967593953.png
 
Last edited:
LOL. Good choices!

I don't know. It's a short script but the story not really a short story. It's a vignette. Sure, the characters are 1 dimensional. When aren't they in something like this. I wrote this thing a long time ago but I think I just wanted to get the humor of this guy trying to rally his friends around his decision to dump his girl. Guy talk. Hoping they'd understand and agree, which the didn't....

Thanks for the comments, Nate!
 
Last edited:
I think we know why he is breaking up with her.
:huh: I think we don't.

We're told that Vinnie gave some kind of explanation to his friends, but whatever it was they didn't believe him and he fobs them off with some more nonsense afterwards. Given Linda's very extreme reaction to what might not even be a permanent break-up (there's nothing to suggest that any significant time has passed between Scene 1 and Scene 2 - it could be just a few hours) we need to know what either she or Vinnie has done to get her to this state of distress.

At this point, I was still curious to learn what role the car played in their relationship, so read on through the mini-novel on pp 6-7 :bag: and the disruptive flashbacks (again with no indication of where they fitted into the timeline of the couple's relationship) ... only to find the plot veered off into sci-fi/horror for no good reason at all. Huh? :hmm:

Given that the title is after all "The Car", and given how things turn out, I'd say the first twelve pages are irrelevant. Scrap those (saving the costs of two extra actors and a location :evil: ) and replace the "watch as a gift" conversation with a shorter one about "the car as a gift" to give us some context. That would be more than sufficient. Oh, and I would drop the last two paragraphs, to end with the implied horror of the modified inscription rather than the overt performance that could go wrong in so many ways.
 
only to find the plot veered off into sci-fi/horror for no good reason at all.
I agree. I should have at least introduced the script and told everyone it's a vignette in the spirit of CreepShow. I can see how not knowing in advance would confuse, frustrate, or make think WTF?? Lesson learned.

Given that the title is after all "The Car"
Is it?

:huh: I think we don't.
I think we know why he is breaking up with her. It's his own insecurities.

This is all great stuff, people. I appreciate everyone's comments. We need more threads like this. We can all learn from them.
 

Ahhh ... maybe not. :blush: On my browser, the tab is labelled "the car.fdr Title Page - ..." and the rest disappears. As I already had that info, I skipped over the actual title page! Digital publishing tip: always make sure the file's metadata matches the final to-be-published version. ;)


I think we know why he is breaking up with her. It's his own insecurities.
Well, you might know that, but myself and @sfoster don't. Sure, Vinnie has "issues" but it seems like Linda is the one with serious problems. He just walked out of a relationship for "reasons" - quite common, even amongst non-assholes - but Linda's the one who went off the deep end after the break-up.

This, for me, is the deepest flaw in the narrative: not that it changed abruptly from a psychological study to sci-fi/horror. There's obviously been a lot going on in that relationship up to the point of their break-up, but we don't get any sense of what that was. A couple of references to birthday gifts, and some nostalgic memories, and that's it. Then the story switches to an entirely different plot and genre, one that just happens to have two characters with the same names, but no more of an arc than the first one. Either story could be interesting, if fleshed out ... which might be a useful workshop exercise some time.
 
Vinnie's motives seem to be a real sticking point with some people. I can see that. Why is he acting the way he is?

I see a script as a blueprint but it's not carved in stone. It's fluid, or it can be. For me, Vinnie saying that Linda is too good for him plus, seeing the way he acts around his friends is enough. He states he thinks maybe she would have dumped him and that he just beat her to it. Typical defensive maneuver. I believe it would have been enough for an actor, under the guidance of a director who understands the character, to convey these thoughts and emotions to the camera. I could be wrong. Certainly there would be re-writes needed but I think I get the point across that Vinnie dumped her for no other reason that his own fear. What's he afraid of? Who knows. Who cares? This isn't a feature film nor a novel. It's a short little ghost story at best. Why does Linda kill herself? THAT is the real question. That's where the controversy should be. What does she see in this crude ass hole? Linda's character needs to be developed. Why doesn't she talk to her mother about Vinnie breaking up with her. What is going on in her mind? Interesting that nobody was all that curious about Linda. We just wanted to know about Vinnie. I wonder why that is.

The car. What is the importance of the car? It's a metaphor for their relationship. A gift that Vinnie gave her then took back even though she was the one paying the loan. What about the watch? Just a gift. A prop set up to be used later.

Who are Vinnie's friends? His conscience. Who is Linda's mother? As far as we know, her chance at salvation.

Why did Linda drag Vinnie into her coffin? An unspoken idea; "If I'm going down, you're going with me."

It's a horror story. A ghost story. A giggle. it depends on how you want to see it.

OK. What else? This is fun :)
 
I think I get the point across that Vinnie dumped her for no other reason that his own fear.

Here's my 2 cents worth from my experience doing q&a's at film festivals:
If audience member(s) say something is unclear, then by definition it is unclear to them.

In my opinion, the same thing goes for screenplays.
If people say something isn't clear to them, then it is not clear to them.

We as the writers understand what's going on and/or what our intentions are. The audience & readers
don't have our knowledge and we need to write and make movies for them.
 
Everyone "I dont understand why he dumped her"


I think I get the point across that Vinnie dumped her for no other reason that his own fear.

This is fun :)

everyones telling you the point didn't come across and your response is that you got the point across. it's not a good look.
Why even bother asking for feedback if youre completely unprepared to accept feedback
 
Last edited:
I know these moments when people break off relationships for "unspecified reasons" is fairly common, but I'd question whether it's an enjoyable concept in a story. When writing, we score points with the audience by raising questions, and then answering them, via the "reveals". When a critical facet of the story, perhaps even a supporting beam is undefined, I think it causes dissonance, which behaves psychologically much as it does in music. You can be unique and creative by using dissonance in your music, but too much of it and your client becomes alienated.

I think similar to the Checkov's gun discussion, that the basic rule is that if you raise a question in the viewers mind, you have to answer it. It was a cool story, but I have to agree with some of the above, in that I also wondered why they broke up, and never really got that reveal.
 
I think you are misreading me, sfoster. It's not my intention to have this discussion get out of hand.
Maybe I misunderstand the purpose of the screenwriting lab. I thought it was a place to discuss, share ideas and express different points of view.

I posted a short script that I wrote a long time ago in hopes of sparking some good conversation. Now we've had that and it was good but we have someone who has twice posted with some agitation because they feel I am not agreeing with them. The point of discussion is not necessarily to agree but to share ideas. Yes, some people have expressed that we need to know why Vinnie left Linda even though I stated it's in the dialog. I'm not saying I'm right and everyone is wrong, only that this is what I think. That's when Mara, who is an experienced writer, offered

"We as the writers understand what's going on and/or what our intentions are. The audience & readers
don't have our knowledge and we need to write and make movies for them. "

THAT was worth all else that was written on the subject of Vinnie dumping Linda. Thank you, Mara.... and Nate, I can always count on you to put things in a language that you know I understand. Thank you.

Discussing screenwriting. I think that's what we are doing. Other members may stumble upon this thread and maybe it will answer questions for them. As for me, I learned a couple of things from a couple of the members. I consider this time well spent.

I don't have any more short scripts to offer, only full blown feature length ones. Too much to ask anyone to read just for some feedback and conversation. Besides, I keep the good ones under lock and key ;)
 
I think you are misreading me, sfoster. It's not my intention to have this discussion get out of hand.
Maybe I misunderstand the purpose of the screenwriting lab. I thought it was a place to discuss, share ideas and express different points of view.

I posted a short script that I wrote a long time ago in hopes of sparking some good conversation. Now we've had that and it was good but we have someone who has twice posted with some agitation because they feel I am not agreeing with them. The point of discussion is not necessarily to agree but to share ideas. Yes, some people have expressed that we need to know why Vinnie left Linda even though I stated it's in the dialog. I'm not saying I'm right and everyone is wrong, only that this is what I think. That's when Mara, who is an experienced writer, offered

"We as the writers understand what's going on and/or what our intentions are. The audience & readers
don't have our knowledge and we need to write and make movies for them. "

THAT was worth all else that was written on the subject of Vinnie dumping Linda. Thank you, Mara.... and Nate, I can always count on you to put things in a language that you know I understand. Thank you.

Discussing screenwriting. I think that's what we are doing. Other members may stumble upon this thread and maybe it will answer questions for them. As for me, I learned a couple of things from a couple of the members. I consider this time well spent.

I don't have any more short scripts to offer, only full blown feature length ones. Too much to ask anyone to read just for some feedback and conversation. Besides, I keep the good ones under lock and key ;)
it sounds like youre finally getting my point, im glad mara could put it into words you liked
 
Last edited:
Back
Top