I think the narration works really well. I think you might enjoy the film "A Shock to the System" It's Michael Caine in the 90's, and it's basically a 2 hour movie of this story idea. It's a good concept, narrating the killer's "breakthrough".
With illustrations getting easier to come by, you might try out making a short script like this into a one page comic, I think things like that are doing pretty well on instagram, etc.
A Shock to the System: Directed by Jan Egleson. With Michael Caine, Elizabeth McGovern, Peter Riegert, Swoosie Kurtz. When electrocuted by the fuse box at home, Graham gets ideas concerning his nagging wife and the guy, who got Graham's promotion at the office.
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