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dialogue scripting action AND dialogue

W

wheatgrinder

When scripting action AND dialogue , and avoiding -ing words, how do you show talking while action is occurring.. also, how do you write someone steeping on someone elses line.. interrupting as it were..
Code: 
-----
Charlie, [B]pushing [/B]open the screen door ..

       CHARLIE

        Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off all half cocked and ah ..

Lynn rounds on Charlie, slams the door closed again..

       LYNN

       Don't.

Lynn turns, shoulders her pack as she walks out the drive way. 

---

             ...OR  .. 


-----
Charlie [B]opens the screen door a few inches[/B]

      CHARLIE

      Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off all half cocked and ah ..

Lynn rounds on Charlie, slams the door closed again..

     LYNN

     Don't.

Lynn turns, shoulders her pack as she walks out the drive way. 

---
 
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I'd simply add an "as" to indicate simultaneous dialogue and action.

And you did fine, in my opinion, with an ellipsis to indicate an interruption. If it's absolutely crucial the reader not miss it, maybe also a parenthetical "interrupts."




As Charlie opens the screen door a few inches...

CHARLIE

Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off all half cocked and ah...

Lynn rounds on Charlie, slams the door closed again..

LYNN

(interrupts Charlie) Don't.

Lynn turns, shoulders her pack as she walks out the drive way.
 
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That's definitely appropriate. I'd have used a parenthetical, or perhaps shown via the dialogue the cut off point,

As Charlie opens the screen door a few inches...

CHARLIE

Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off all half cocked and a--

Lynn rounds on Charlie, slams the door closed again..

LYNN
(Interrupts Charlie)
Don't.

Lynn turns, shoulders her pack as she walks out the drive way.
 
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In my shoot this last weekend, the actors delivered lines that you could tell (after the fact) were supposed to be interrupting each other.. but it was missed in all the activity.. so it came out a bit strange, mostly I think it was that there was nothing for the actor to be saying after the interruption point.. you know what I mean?

anyway to help that in the script.. or is that all direction.. and acting?
 
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Mostly I think it was that there was nothing for the actor to be saying after the interruption point.. you know what I mean?

anyway to help that in the script.. or is that all direction.. and acting?
Click to expand...


That sounds like an actor/director problem. My actors know to keep going until they are interrupted. If the interrupting actor doesn't interrupt soon enough, we'll stop and do it again.
 
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In my opinion, the director should have caught the awkward pause at the end of the sentence and redid the scene. Actually, it should have been caught in pre-production read-through.
 
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Thanks.. hows this read.. (whole scene)


EXT. CHARLIES PLACE PORCH- MORNING

Lynn stands on the porch, looks towards the road, she pulls back the slide on the automatic pistol, locks it..inspects the chamber and slide. Charlie stands just inside the house, the screen door closed between them.

CHARLIE

(nods at the hand gun)


I remember when your dad bought that in my store, "Family Protection" he said.. seems a long time ago..


(pauses, blows out breath)


.. after breakfast you and me, we'll head over to your place and get some of your things, clothes and whatnot.. .. you can stay in Davids old room, you remember David, my youngest, he married June the...


(interrupts self, notices Lynn is preparing to leave)


oh, you goin' someplace?

LYNN

the Old Mill

(beat)

I'm going to get my family back!


The gun slide slams home, Lynn holsters the weapon.

As Charlie pushes open the screen door a few inches

CHARLIE

Hold on now little girl, ya don't wanna go off all half cocked and git yer ...

Lynn rounds on Charlie, slams the door closed.

LYNN

(Interupts Charlie)

Don't.

Lynn turns, shoulders her pack as she walks out the drive way. Charlie holds the screen door open wide, and shouts from the door way

CHARLIE

There's nothing there!


LYNN

Sorry Charlie, your wrong.. (to self) you should've checked the math.

Charlie steps backwards into the gloom of the interior of the house.
 
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