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Screenplay Cat Skinning
- Thread starter Guanto
- Start date
Interesting thus far.
Does (d) also infer it is at the same time, or is the weird script-writing short hand comma bit a direct replacement of "then"?
Also many schools of thought frown upon ever using "and" (b) always leaning "then" (a).
Let's get some more chimes, good stuff.
Does (d) also infer it is at the same time, or is the weird script-writing short hand comma bit a direct replacement of "then"?
Also many schools of thought frown upon ever using "and" (b) always leaning "then" (a).
Let's get some more chimes, good stuff.
(a) sounds stilted, and doesn't really chime with how most people would visualise the scene - it implies the actions are strictly consecutive rather than (more likely) overlapping.
(b) reads fine.
(c) is OK, but in contrast to (a), implies concurrency when partial overlap is more likely.
(d) is fine - it's dynamic and leaves the whole thing up to the director
(e) is stilted as it distinguishes the actions too much.
(I once wrote a postgrad paper on language and logical temporal relations so I get quite fussy about these things
)Personally, I would go with (d) as it is the only version that conveys the dynamism of the action IMO.
Realistically, it might be better just to write "The sexton springs out of the bed in surprise." and leave the actual way the surprise is conveyed to the director
Realistically, it might be better just to write "The sexton springs out of the bed in surprise." and leave the actual way the surprise is conveyed to the director
A good idea, but if you truly want to get picky, surprise is an emotion rather than an action, which technically should not be placed within a screenplay if one is to send it off for optioning.
Damn, y'all are paying WAYYY too much attention to the way that you use verbs and stuff. Each one of these lines is fine. Story is SOOO much more important that the phrasing of a single line. The director is going to do whatever they want anyway.
WTF is a sexton? I think that's the main problem here. I'm pretty well-educated, and I have no clue what that word means. Maybe change that.
WTF is a sexton? I think that's the main problem here. I'm pretty well-educated, and I have no clue what that word means. Maybe change that.
Oh my. You do realize you are in the "screenwriting" section of the forum, correct? A place where discussion about... ahem... "verbs and stuff" is encouraged.
Ironically, the importance of the phrasing of a single line is exactly what this post is about. While there is a certain degree of lunacy in the sheer variety of script-writing standards (especially when an optioned script will inevitably go against any agreed upon best practice as soon as you adopt it) this is none-the-less a simple, fun exercise to explore a specific, oft reviewed area of screenwriting, and again appropriately filed as such.
I guess you've heard/read this phrase enough around here that it sounds good or something? Not sure, but it doesn't apply to this particular post in any way. However it is worth mentioning that the director will actually never see the hypothetical screenplay if its "important story" doesn't make it past the interns, or head of development, because it's written like a kindergartner... or neanderthal.
Sure, and then we'll change JEDI KNIGHT to DOCK WORKER to better fit with everyone's proximity to a school... or a dictionary. Yikes.
Anyway, I suppose I'm not one to use JOHN and JANE in my random examples, apologies, sometimes the panache leaks out of me and I don't even realize it.
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Yes, I understand that the phrasing of this single line is exactly what this post is about. I'm trying to tell you that I think you've got bigger fish to fry. Don't waste your time on shit like this, it doesn't matter.
And no, I'm not telling you that the director will do whatever they want because that's some thing that I've heard around here. I'm telling you that because I'm a director. I only do tiny-budget stuff, but still...
The director don't give a fuck how you phrased this particular line. I realize that you're trying to sell a script, and so phrasing matters for that, but I don't think it's even close to the most important thing for you to consider.
I know it's not exactly the point of contention here, but, to your mind, what does 'springs up from the bed' actually mean? What exactly is this sentence describing? Is he standing 'up' from the bed? Or is he springing 'up' into a seated position, having been lying down?
If he is leaving the bed, I'd prefer to omit the word 'up' - The sexton gasps. He springs from the bed.
If he is sitting upright, I'd change it to categorically state this - The sexton gasps. He springs up, into a seated position on the bed.
As for the initial question, I prefer (d).
If he is leaving the bed, I'd prefer to omit the word 'up' - The sexton gasps. He springs from the bed.
If he is sitting upright, I'd change it to categorically state this - The sexton gasps. He springs up, into a seated position on the bed.
As for the initial question, I prefer (d).
Also, you could just refer to him by his name. Because what the fuck is a sexton?! Yes, I know how to use google. But why would you write your script with language that most people need to google to understand? Until you name him, I'll just call him Sam.
Sam jumps from sleep, gasping for air.
How about that? I dunno, I think you should write your screenplay in exactly your own voice. The point that I'm making is that these individual lines are absolutely not the thing that you should be spending time on.
Okay, fine, this is fun for you. Just don't dwell on it. The bigger story is what matters.
Sam jumps from sleep, gasping for air.
How about that? I dunno, I think you should write your screenplay in exactly your own voice. The point that I'm making is that these individual lines are absolutely not the thing that you should be spending time on.
Okay, fine, this is fun for you. Just don't dwell on it. The bigger story is what matters.
Hmm. I believe you may have misunderstood the purpose of this post and the section of the forum it's in.
I'll try again. This is just a screenwriting exercise for creatives that are either well beyond this sort of unsolicited blanket statement "industry" advice in their career, or have no desire for it when just taking a moment to workshop a specific segment of their craft. Again, just referring to this particular post/section.
A director isn't going to enact freewill by swapping out a comma for the word "then" on a screenplay, which is what this post is about. Your adage was out of place.
I... uh... wha? Every character has a proper name? And if they do it has to be uninspired? Every screenplay is in a contemporary setting? Huh? I'm envisioning hundreds of unique, enthralling and game changing screenplays (both produced and not yet written) being lead to slaughter based on this fascinatingly medieval criteria.
Do you mean "most people" based on this thread? And to think this was just a simple character name derailing you, not blocks of text from a high fantasy or hard science fiction script. I couldn't imagine.
Just quoted this because it's brilliant.
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Well first let me say nothing here is "to my mind" - but for exploration purposes, sure.
Let's say the writers intention was: springing up into a seated position from a coma.
I'd say your categorical rewrite could be construed as a bit busy/clunky when we're always going for lean and mean. Let me propose for this thread, that getting too caught up in "will the reader know if he is sitting up in the bed or leaving the bed" might cloud the intention here (and your hypothetical flow for the line in question).
But if there ever was something like that demanding clarification then I'd lean towards additional action/description/dialog outside of this exercise would help paint that picture if necessary, for the sake of keeping the proposed lines better intact.
Your offering for if the sexton was leaving the bed is great... lean and mean.
Just some of my observations in trying to stay ambiguous for the experiment.
Thinking on this more, with my additional off-the-cuff-for-fun details for the scene...
The sexton GASPS, sits up in the bed.
BUT I don't want this to detract too much from the exercise, which is more so:
Which I appreciate. Seeing a trend (not only here) leaning towards the staccato comma thing over then and and now-a-days. Intriguing.
Right?
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The loss of 'springs' diminishes the urgency. I picture this as the sexton sitting up slowly in the bed, rather than him bolting upright.
As far as how each of the 5 options reads, as has already been pointed out, at least two of them are 100% incorrect. A and E imply two consecutive actions. B and C imply two concurrent actions. Only the writer knows which is correct.
It's been assumed that both actions happen at the same time, but for them to happen separately is perfectly feasible. You could start with an ECU of the sextons eyes, flicking open as he gasps. Cut to an MCU of the sexton bolting upright in the bed. I feel as though the comma in D leaves this up to the reader to decide.
You need to consider context as well. One line can easily be taken out of context and new actions can compete previous actions.
"The sexton gasps as he springs up from the bed. He runs to the window."
In this context you know he sprung "out" of bed.
"The sexton gasps as he springs up from the bed. He looks around, and retires his head to his pillow."
In this context he was startled in the bed.
"The sexton gasps as he springs up from the bed. He runs to the window."
In this context you know he sprung "out" of bed.
"The sexton gasps as he springs up from the bed. He looks around, and retires his head to his pillow."
In this context he was startled in the bed.