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Sasquatch: Beast in the Wild Screenplay

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Quality said:
Hmm, I'll keep that in mind.
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It needs to be changed. As mad_hatter said, you aren't showing Jack building the fire (and there's no need to show it), and the audience won't be reading the screenplay. I think the viewers will be smart enough to deduce that someone in the family built that fire. Instead:

"The family is sitting around a campfire. The boys watch with amazement as the flames scatter."

No need to specify wood or rocks with the campfire. The director and the production designer will figure that out.

There are lots of grammar and syntax issues throughout. Too many to list them all, but all of the action surrounding the boys roasting marshmallows only references one marshmallow. Are they just sharing the one? Instead:

"Each boy carries a long stick with a marshmallow on the end. They hold their marshmallows into the fire. The marshmallows steam as the scorch of the flames begins to heat them."

The boys should be named up front, as BOY and BOY 2 start to get confusing. "One of the boys puts the marshmallow into his mouth. It burns his tongue." Which boy? Yeah, the next line of dialog shows that, but this is clumsy writing.

Let's assume his name is Patrick. "Patrick pulls his marshmallow from the fire and takes a bite, burning his tongue."

There are other issues like "It taste good dad." This should be, "It tastes good, Dad!"

Similarly, "the children giggles" should be "the children giggle". Subject and verb need to agree.

A lot of your dialog is stiff and forced, some on-the-nose, and some of it worded in ways that aren't naturally conversational.

"This is a very good initiative of you." I keep reminding myself that there may be cultural idioms at play here, but is that something that would be said in natural conversation in the Caribbean? Whether it is or it isn't, you're marketing your screenplays to a wider audience, so it needs a bit more universal - and comfortable - wording.

Yours:

DIANA (CONT'D)
This is a very good initiative of you. A little vacation.
Hiking in the woods.

JACK
It's the lease I could do. I've got sometime off
work. I choose to spend it with my family.

DIANA
This is not the most romantic setting but, at
least the kids like it.

JACK
That's all that matters... I've been so busy.

DIANA
Don't remind me. I'll get upset.

JACK
Don't, it's over now.

"I'll get upset" is another line that isn't very conversational. Do people say that? Instead, try this:

DIANA (CONT'D)
This was a good idea. I think we all needed to get
away for a bit.

JACK
It's the least I could do, and I finally
had a chance to take some time off. Why not
spend it with family?

DIANA
Not the most romantic setting, but at
least the kids like it.

JACK
That's all that matters. I hate that I've been so busy.

DIANA (sighs)
Don't remind me.

JACK
Hey, relax. That's the past. We're here now.

And I'm sure even my rewrite could stand a little work, but do you see what I mean by conversational dialog?

The scene with Animal Control... I have a hard time suspending disbelief there. What pest control team has no idea how to remove a bat? And has no idea what tools are in the truck for that? It really just comes across as a poor attempt to justify having the female character in her underwear. Maybe (and only maybe) it would be a bit more believeable if they brought in a net on a pole and needed the towel afterward to pull the bat from the net and move it outsied. Though, I've removed bats from buildings many times and heavy leather gloves are enough.

Oh, and the office contacting the pest control team over radio is not going to refer to them as "dispatch". The home office is dispatch. The team will have a truck number or a radio call sign.
 
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Thanks for the advice and rewrite. But yes most of the dialogue is mixed with traditional and broken English due to how an average person would talk in real life. Not everyone would speak fluent English among their family or friends. Just being realistic. And dispatch is the call center. That is why I referred to them as that when they forward the report. I have seen instances when officers come to a scene and they are totally unprepared Lol that is why I decided to put that in. It happens sometimes.
 
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Quality said:
Thanks for the advice and rewrite. But yes most of the dialogue is mixed with traditional and broken English due to how an average person would talk in real life. Not everyone would speak fluent English among their family or friends. Just being realistic.
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In that case you need to make sure the description is in correct English.
"the children giggles" is incorrect.
"Jack has combust a fire" is incorrect.
"The mother, while in pain, struggles to prone away." in incorrect.
"The sound of knocking on a door is heard." is redundant.

If you are trying to show that some of people do not speak properly that's fine
but you lose that when your writing is not proper. When you have Jack say,
"It's the lease I could do." is that what you really want him to say? I might
understand that he mispronounces the word if the rest of your writing is correct.

You over write, you use words that seem to come from a thesaurus, and you
use non standard English. I understand that since English is your second language
you face difficult challenges that a native speaker doesn't. But all of these things
make you screenplay a very difficult read.
 
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These are good critiques so don't be discouraged Quality. It's just another level of improvement you're probably capable of, if not now then later.
Improving these things will certainly help your work.
 
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Just to be clear; I am only trying to understand and (perhaps) help.

Jack says; "It's the lease I could do. I've got sometime off
work."

I think you mean "It's the least I could do. " Is Jack mispronouncing
the word?

"sometime" means unspecified or unknown time, like; you should come over
to the house sometime. I suspect you meant "some time". Am I wrong?

I could pick apart more than 30 sentences in both dialogue and description
in these few pages. I'm thinking that if you used proper sentences in your
description then your use of improper English in dialogue would be more clear
to the reader.
 
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Originally posted by directorik: I'm thinking that if you used proper sentences in your description then your use of improper English in dialogue would be more clear
to the reader.
Click to expand...

This, I think, is the key. One of my recent script consulting gigs was for a screenwriter who did exactly that, and it worked well: she used proper English in the descriptions/actions, and slang mixed with mis-used and mis-pronounced words for certain characters.
 
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